Tuesday, 28 February 2012

What future?


I HAVE BEEN TRYING to write a letter to my Mum but it ended up so depressing with me practically saying I was just waiting to die. Since I stopped taking heroin every day and aren't manic any more my life has come into uncomfortably sharp focus and I've realized there is no future at all for me. Sick or well. On or off methadone. On drugs or off them. I feel about 103 and am ready to go into an old people's home. The thought of living to 70 appalls me and I'm not even 40 yet. I don't know what I'm going to do in the future.
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10 comments:

  1. Akelamalu28 February 2012 at 13:21

    You sound really depressed Gleds. :(

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  2. Gledwood28 February 2012 at 13:24

    I am. Then I found the hamster commercial and cheered up a BIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????

    ReplyDelete
  3. Furtheron28 February 2012 at 14:09

    Adjusting to a non drug life - that is all that is up with you. You'll get there just kept trudging on...

    Hamsters - there's a reason to live isn't it? Your language skills etc. You'll find some niche - a German speaking hamster breader - isn't there any call for them round your way?

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  4. Anonymous28 February 2012 at 17:50

    If it makes any sense to you at all, I read research somewhere that showed that men in your age group are the most unhappy of any age group at all. But people over 60 are often the happiest they have ever been. So keep going, don't look at life as a whole, you have to find contentment in the everyday. And your life and outlook can only improve.
    Kiwigirl

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  5. the guy in the silk taffeta dress29 February 2012 at 22:27

    Hi, glad I found your blog again!
    40 isn't so bad and it isn't so old.
    I did feel threatened by 40 when I was thirty nine and nearly didn't make it, but since I'm here, I think I'll stay on the planet out of curiosity for one thing.
    all the best,
    j.
    word verification- I am so annoyed with it, but you're worth it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Syd2 March 2012 at 02:55

    I am sorry that you feel down. Maybe it's time to get out and do some volunteering or take a course at uni. Anything to get your mind off yourself.

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  7. Gledwood2 March 2012 at 15:37

    Furtheron: I'm trying to keep my goal in mind to speak 5 foreign languages (German, French, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese) as well as all the other life goals I set. There is no excuse not to keep them as I have little else to do. + I cannot WAIT to get OFF METHADONE. Ukh!

    Kiwigirl: I'm not surprised at all that men in my age group are most depressed. I only have those bleak thoughts when I think ahead in life. If I take every moment as it comes I have far far less to worry about. But I think when I was on drugs I did live in the moment a lot more. It's trying to be off them that causes all the problems now!

    Taffeta: I used to talk myself out of suicide by telling myself to wait and see what happened next but I'm not sure anything good will happen next. I suppose I might as well wait and see though...

    Syd: If I could get funding to go on an oriental languages course I'd do Japanese at SOAS. I wish I had applied to do that first time round. If I had, I might actually have a degree now...

    ReplyDelete
  8. eyelick19 March 2012 at 23:23

    YAYAYAY deep sea fishies! Eye Love the ocean!

    ReplyDelete
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