Soggy Monday

IT IS A VERY SOGGY DAY . Endless rain. I have just come back from the druggieclinic where someone mentioned "making a commitment to stop heroin". Which sounds good on the surface, but I decided long ago that I would never make promises to anyone regarding that stuff, no matter how long I might have been clean. I have lost interest in heroin and find it boring and that is why I don't want to take it.

Talking of drugs, I've found out how many Calories are allegedly in a half litre can of 7.5% ABV cyder. A website alledges 225, but with 7 Calories per gram of alcohol and 8 grams in a unit (10ml), the 3.75 units in a half litre amount to 210 Calories from alcohol alone. This ignores the amount of sugar in the drink. The lemonade I buy is 200 Calories per litre, so if you add that on and add a bit more for luck, you get 350 per half litre and that's the figure I'm using.

I found the name of an atypical antipsychotic that doesn't make you tubby (and most do) ARIPIPRAZOLE (Abilify). There's another called ZIPRASIDONE (Geodon) but that's supposedly not available in the UK.

I need to find a medication that works for me without causing ridiculous side-effects. I haven't found one so far. The schizophrenia book says aripiprazole /Abilify causes anxiety and insomnia, so I probably WON'T be going near that one...

I've been looking through a schizophrenia book to see whether I do or don't have it. To be schizoaffective in Europe, you must meet the full diagnostic criteria for mania (or depression) and schizophrenia concurrently. Unfortunately I do seem to meet the schizophrenia ones because I've heard voices summarizing my thoughts and I find it very difficult to motivate myself ~ no matter what mood I'm in. (Amongst many other things.) But those 2 are considered hallmark features of schizophrenia. As for mania, I've very easily fulfilled the diagnostic criteria for that, on many occasions. So maybe I am "schizoaffective" after all. I always considered myself a manic-depressive because other people (always with first-hand knowledge, worryingly enough) had been hinting and telling me I had it for years before I really thought that was the truth. Only when I started hearing voices loudly (in 2010) did I consider myself truly "ill" ~

and that is only because doctors seem to consider voices a sign of madness. I had been hearing them quietly ~ on and off ~ for at least 6 years before that. (ie from 2004). I first started seeing visions when I was homeless. I did tell a doctor about it in a vague sort of way and he said it was probably down to stress. I agree. Stress is much more likely to set me off than any drug. Symptoms reached their peak, when I got so manic I couldn't follow what certain people were saying to me, in spring 2011 ~ when I was off all drugs except methadone for weeks on end. Which means I cannot help but nurse the sneaking suspicion that methadone is poisoning my mind...!

The only true news of today is that I saw the lovebirds again. Squarking merrily away. The shop-owner keeps them in a tiny cage. If I had little birdies I would let them fly free. Or build them a miniature aviary. No birds were born to live their lives in prison. Especially when they've just been born and are too young even to have pecked someone!

Well I've got to go. I've had over 1000 Calories since 3am. Why I am so hungry I have no idea...