I'm reading a really good book: Innocent Traitor by Alison Weir. It's the true story of Lady Jane Grey, great niece of King Henry VIII and cousin to Edward VI and Elizabeth I who ended up in the Tower of London to be executed as a traitress in the days when being Catholic or Protestant could lose you your head when the wrong person was in power.I've just been down the druggieclinic purely to get the time of Thursday's doctor's appointment in writing. I'm freaking out about some hiccup keeping me in limbo between the two services for weeks on end. After I fell foul of foreign-accented clerical staff and went all the way to the hospital for nothing this morning, when my rebooked appointment was actually on July 26th, I decided to leave nothing to chance.
Nobody who promised to write me proof of address (apart from my mother) actually has done. But I've been in luck thanks to unexpected correspondence from the Gas Board, the Council and The Support Worker Service. So I've now FIVE proofs of address. Surely that is enough for everyone..?
On Friday afternoon someone is coming from the mental health support team (which is an independent charity and not alligned to the psychiatrist I don't have) to oversee my "needs". So I might hopefully finally see the free bus pass I was promised a year and a half ago!
My methadone is in crisis. Ever since the 25-20mg drop it hasn't held me properly so I've been using on top, then feeling lousy when I try to go "clean". I might have to ask the doctor to put me up 5mg. Which feels like the biggest cave-in on my part. But otherwise I find myself drinking extra methadone bought on the street. And/or relying on heroin. And a person on methadone should never "rely" on heroin. That reliance is precisely what methadone is "supposed" to end! So what should I do? I don't know. I'm face-down in the dog-muck yet again. I just want this nightmare to end...The new methadone doctor's appointment can't come soon enough. I never thought I could or would feel at home in a methadone clinic, but having been exiled to the London Borough of Crudsville for that awful year, I now see home is where the heart is ~ and my heart is here. (I'm in the methadone clinic's gardens as we speak.) Here hopefully to stay. (Barring other ****-ups...)
I even bumped into my old druggieworker who had left to have a baby. Her baby is now two and she says I have changed beyond all recognition although my voice remains the same (that is how she recognized me).
Changed beyond recognition...?
I HOPE IT'S A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!
AND NOW FOR A MUSICAL BREAK...
SCIENCE LAB: FLESH AND BLOOD
I know this from the Reactivate 2 rave compilation, though I do remember it being played at one party I was at... The sample is from Shakespeare's King Lear:
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!
I have not taken either one and I sweat to much.You got plenty of proofs of address.Heres some kisses Im blowing your way and make you feel better;-)
ReplyDeleteI never used to perspire excessively until those dratted opiates became a part of my life. And went "into my bones"... Now look at me. I look like I've been showering fully clothed!
ReplyDeleteYeah those proof of adress nazis deserve something. Making me feel like an illegal immigrant when I was born here! And what if you're street homeless!!!?? Bloody ridiculous.
Thanks for the kiss. I will use it to keep my window shut at night.
(Uhh? What does that mean?... I don't know... too tired...)
That's just my sort of book, I must look out for it.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you have managed to get the proof of address you need, hope things go well at the clinic.
Focus on the positive GLEDWOOD, as your old drug worker says; you have changed so much. (yes, for the better)
ReplyDeleteI was reducing 5ml every two weeks, until I got down to 40ml. Somedays I take the 40ml, some days 35ml . . . If I were you I would stabilise at 35/40ml for a while. It's better than having to use. I know you want off it . . . and you will get there but a lot has happened for you recently with all this change over.
Take it easy. I would seriously go back up to 40ml and look at reducing extremely gradually after the summer.
The using, then not using can make me sweat badly too.
You're still making progress, that's what counts. Progress, not perfection. With love as always x
PS Gledwood. I just checked your previous post to see if you did look like Norman . . . and read that you couldn't comment over at mine? I don't see why . . . If I can fix it I will, but I don't know what to fix as everyone else comments ok? Sabotage?! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI hope it sorts itself out and lets you comment real soon x
Ps, I'll go back to your previous post and answer the questions re religion and politics after the school run ;-)
Akelamalu: the book is really good, and I'm not easily impressed by any fiction these days. Yeah THANK GOD I've finally got too much proof of address. But it was far from guaranteed that anything at all would come through that letterbox and if it hadn't, how would I have proven that I lived there... And how do homeless people prove they live in the borough, I'd like to know..! Ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous~!!
ReplyDeleteBugerlugs: It's weird I started at 40mg today by buying another 20mg to drink on top of my own 20mg. Difference between doing it this way and through the clinic is that I couldn't trust ANY methadone clinic as far as I could throw them. Let's face it, anything you tell them is likely to be used against you in some way... Plus I can reduce from 40 down to 20 really quickly as the top 20mg is just making me feel comfortable, not holding me essentially... Well this is what's happened in the past. If I really can't get down to 20mg again I'll have to ask for help, but I doubt i'd admit to using methadone on top of methadone ~ that's a step too far!
My problem is I see being stuck on a flat dose of methadone as worse than being on heroin really. I'd be going nowhere. I want to be going somewhere, even by reducing 1ml.............
Been where your at via methadone reduction. I'm no one to give advice as I'm as bad as you are at these things. Get to a point where dose isn't holding, don't want to go back up, so go to the street. I hated tapering when I was moving over to that horrid drug suboxone.
DeleteJust don't go back to h. I'm really rooting for you.
Did it shut the window okay?If you need more protection heres some extra kisses for you doors and locks;-)
ReplyDeleteBEV: what do you mean? My window? It shuts OK but opens out into street level which doesn't exactly make me feel secure...
ReplyDeleteANNA GRACE: I did go back to the H. Or B as we would call it here. B meaning "brown heroin". But I was lucky enough to have street-bought methadone 1mg in 1ml, so it's easy to measure out 1mg with a 2.5ml syringe. I added some more to my script and just bumped it down.
You might think I'm neurotic (because I am!!) but I'm not too neurotic when it comes to reduction. I know when I am and aren't sick ... I got off using extra methadone a couple of times in the past. For me using extra meth worked far better than just sweating through 2 or 3 or 4 days half-sick... however long it was going to be. The only withdrawals I got involved waking up sick a few days in a row, having to drink a little bit less extra each time... then no extra the last time... And finally my own methadose was holding me... Amazingly :-)
Sorry to hear that you are still doing heroin. I wish that you would stop that and eventually get totally off the methadone. Seems crazy to be doing heroin and methadone.
ReplyDelete