YEAH... today I came to this horrible realization: that I have to drop the Big H, the Killer B, heroin, skag, smack, brown number 3, whatever you want to call it. I wasted money I couldn't really afford on a dose just because I had a bellyache, which was almost certainly caused by quaffing down
Lithuanian cherry cyder for breakfast... As ye sow,
so shall ye reap, you see...
Ever since I hit up many weeks ago, and then found myself feeling hyped up hours later so that I couldn't sleep all night, heroin appears to be having a "
paradoxical effect" it never used to have in that every now and then, several hours after taking a dose (if you look it up, heroin is supposed to work for about four hours, this takes place after that time has elapsed) it's helping make me or keep me hypomanic. This doesn't happen every time I take it: if I'm depressed before I use, I usually simply feel less depressed. But if hypomania is crouched around the corner, it seems to be bringing it out of hiding.
I just don't know what's going on any more. I'm on enough of a (mental) health kick to have completely given up caffeine (yet again).
The first time I gave up caffeine I had been suffering from depression, which had mostly faded leaving an ongoing sense of free-floating anxiety (ie anxiety related to nothing in particular). I also happened to be drinking at least five cups of strong tea per day. When I switched to decaffeinated tea, the anxiety quickly vanished.
A few months ago I drank four cups of tea in the space of a couple of hours, after which my mood felt noticably "elevated" (like I'd taken a little bit of speed). As the afternoon pinged past, the caffeine buzz became intertwined with depression, so that I just felt "weird". And then I became really paranoid and terrified that if this feeling didn't go, I'd end up in a mental unit. I really did feel very strange indeed ~ and caffeine seemed to have set off the whole episode. So I now don't drink any caffeine at all. Which makes respectable tea-drinking impossible (because I don't really like decaff tea). The only non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverage I can stomach in large amounts is Sainsbury's own lemonade. It's like the lemonade I drank in my childhood. No aspartame or acesulfame-K (unlike Morrisons'). No real lemon juice (which R Whites now add to theirs). Just old-fashioned 1970s style lemonade. Which my dentist would probably reprimand me over... but nobody's perfect. The only other drink I like is chicken and vegetable Cup-A-Soup with croutons (it has to have croutons).
Once I've kicked heroin, I've kicked drugs. There is nothing left, chemical-wise, to inspire me.
I have never promised myself never ever to take another Valium, or sleeping pill, because I don't and never did abuse these. Taking one 10mg diazepam because you're on the verge of a panic attack is no more drug abuse than is taking aspirin for a headache. Whether or not my doctor prescribed it is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned. The Seroquel I'm on feels like Valium and sleeping pills anyhow. Usually, I get really good sleep on the stuff, which is one reason I don't want to switch to Olanzapine (Zyprexa) like my GP suggested last time I got a refill.
Well this post was written completely off the top of my head, so I hope it's reasonably OK. I have an appointment at the methadone clinic tomorrow and I think I'm going to have to say the unsayable: that me and heroin are finally going to part. It had to happen sooner or later, else there's no point reducing my methadone. The time is coming when using on top is going to completely saboutage my detox. I've given up heroin before. When Britain was in complete heroin drought in late 2010/early 2011 I didn't touch the stuff for weeks on end. Even though I was stupid enough to go back to it, at least I proved to myself that abstainance is possible.
And anyway ~ here's Madonna!
OPEN YOUR HEART
The video seems totally irrelevant to the theme of this song, but hey...
LA ISLA BONITA
One of her best ever tracks...
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Nice post Gledwood . . . Yes, I've got to that point too. Seems there can't be any half measures, and all the stopping and starting does nothing for one's mental (or physical) stability.
ReplyDeleteI really hope and pray that you can do it . . . I'm finding out just how huge the difference is between wanting to stop and making it happen. I really couldn't want to stop any more than this, yet that doesn't seem to be enough, I don't get it.
If you have any revelations, realisations or suggestions, let me know please. Sending you love and strength x
Ps, Thanks for the info and links on your reply (nectarine post) I'll go and check them out. And thanks for sharing your experience x
ReplyDeleteThis paradoxical effect has happened to me on heorin back when I was using heroin on top of methadone in Hawaii. I kept my dose at 20mgs so I could still fell the rush, but I was oddly hyper, I had to take a xanax to calm down.
ReplyDeleteI hope you stop the skag. You deserve to be happy Gleds.
I started drinking decaf tea and coffee about 10 years ago and had a headache for 3 weeks until my detox was complete. It was so bad I almost went back to caffeinated!
ReplyDeleteGledwood heroin seems like an ex wife or gf.You both love it and hate it and you want to never see or hear of it again.
ReplyDeleteYou have all my prayers to end the relationship and some real come-hither kisses to.You seductive sly dogXoXoxoxo
i 'ope i do manage to STOP STOP STOP STAY STOPPED
ReplyDeleteif only........
It's all psychological right now...your craving that is. If only the methadone worked as well as it has for myself.
DeleteTruthfully (i don't mean this to be a cunt or any such thing) but I do not think you are even close to being done with "Dr. Strange Love". It still has that hold over you. Plus as you often say this blog is a journal FOR YOU, and you have not been being honest with your self, you've left out the huge fact that you have been chipping. Non of our business as your readers, but keeping it hidden from us is in reality also keeping it from you've self in some strange way. But what do I know I'm no trained doctor. Ttyl
xx
Anna Grace
Lysol makes toilet bowl cleaners disinfecting sprays and stuff like that.I should know the name of the nits shampoo.When we where growing up all of us got sent home from school for having them.They where hard for my parents to get rid of.And the shampoo was nasty it burned and stunk.
ReplyDeleteBEV: i think hedrin is sposed to be one of the best for nits, it drowns them in sticky liquid clingfilm plasticky stuff so no neurotoxic insecicides are required
ReplyDeleteANNA: me chipping? I gave up posting about that ages ago because I was just too bored of it. When I have done that I tended to do it in the morning, whereas I post in the evening, by which time the gear has worn off anyhow... as for this weird effect of making me manic, that's a totally new thing. It always used to make me sleep. Then one time a few months ago I took a dose in the afternoon and stayed awake all night. Nearly every time I've used it with someone else so "something weird" in the gear would be noticed by them too. And it wasn't.
You know I don't know a single person who is bipolar. If I had to put some undesirable characteristic against my name eg junkie, depressive, schizo etc I would chose bipolar every time as it sums me up much better. Most manic-depressives are moody bastards even when they're not having an episode and so am I...
As for not being ready to stop, I don't feel ready but I'm doing it anyhow. Only time will tell...
... that is, I don't know a single person who is bipolar in "real" life. Well you know what I mean...
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