Valley of the Shadow
I HAVE GONE BACK to a place I was stuck in for years. That is: my underlying mood is low. I feel bleak and empty and so cold that I sleep in coat, hat and scarf. I only feel like I'm surviving because I rely on heroin to keep me this side of sanity. I've tried and tried to go "clean" (sticking to methadone alone) but within a couple of days without heroin I'm starting to feel lousy. By the third day I feel absolutely terrible. I've never gone beyond three days without because I can't handle feeling that bad. I found somebody at the methadone clinic who actually listened to me. She said that unless the depression can be medicated away, there's little help of methadone doing any good.
I've been trying and trying to kick the gear but it isn't happening. I was stuck in this situation for years ~ unable to go without gear, because when I did I felt too bad for words. No doctor was ever able to diagnose the situation because a doctor would only see me with heroin in my system. Without heroin, I'd never have made it out the door.
Well I'm going to try surviving on methadone alone and just push through it, no matter how bad I feel. It's from the extremes of mood that much truth is seen. I just hope I can make it through. I hope I can survive.
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When I'm feeling really OK, music really can make me feel GOOD... but judging by the recent past, if I do keep to my plan ~ I'll be gear-free by Friday, and feeling terrible... wonder what it'll be able to do for me then...?...
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Heroin will give relief to people suffering from depression because it releases endorphines with the feel good factor. It's no cure it merely treats the symptoms, that is if the gears any good.
ReplyDeleteIf you're happy being an addict then so be it, but I think addiction comes hand in hand with its own tailor made brand of depresion which eventually outweighs its ability to make you feel good - Catch 22.
In the space of a year you have achieved an incredible reduction in regards to your methadone consumption which in itself could be responsible for depressed moods. Don't be too hard on yourself what you have achieved is amazing and you've achieved it in a reletively short time.
Rome wasn't built in a day !
Take care Gledwood. X
I been wondering how you been doing.Does your depression depend on situations?Or is internal?Idk I have depression but usally can pull myself back up unless I try drinking it all away.
ReplyDeleteWhen ppl close to me get angry with me I get depressed.Maybe Im happier with my own company.La vita e una merda.
Im sending you Wendys baconator kissesXoXO with orange juice
BEV: I think the depression does both. Situations don't always help, but a lot of the depression feels like an almost physical illness... like when you're going down with flu and you're gonna feel shit no matter what but things and people can cheer you up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like my own company best, too. I don't think that always helps. When I was really mentally ill, being on my own seemed to make things a lot worse as I had no point of focus at all for my severely unfocused mind. Also I think depression can feel worse when you're alone as there's nothing to lift you out of it. And things can lift you a bit. The depressing thing is, the worse it gets, the less they even CAN lift you... I think that's the way it goes.
I'm going to start trying to research a full book I want to write about mood disorders in all their varieties and severities. So maybe you could be one of my case studies..? I also want to feature "dual diagnosis" ~~ that is when a person has an identifiable mental illness that's complicated by drug or alcohol use. There's also "substance-induced mood disorders" which are only there for as long as the alcohol or drug intoxication or withdrawal persists. Some people thought this was the case with me, but it can't be as I was actually far WORSE when I hadn't touched street drugs of any description for weeks. (I was sticking to my methadone script religiously.)...
KARL: I think what you're saying is bang-on correct. When I looked up stuff to do with methadone and depression they were saying there's a whole contingent out there who are basically undermedicated on methadone because no matter what the dose it won't hold them the full 24 hours ~~ yet they're living in countries where methadone is only ever given under supervised consumption ~~ no matter how well you've stuck to the script and for how long.
You're absolutely correct about heroin bringing its own depression. This is what I found it hardest to get my head round ~~ that heroin seemed to work as an antidepressant while seemingly perpetuating the depression the longer I went... I'm just going to have to be stringent and strict about NOT using any gear on top and pushing through the down times ~~~~... and then I hope I'll come out the other side feeling much much better...
... (FINGERS CROSSED!!! ;-))
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I been thinking about you.XoXo.I think its sexy that you wear a scarf and coat in bed.Gives a lady more time in peeling off each layer.
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wHERED MY COMMENT DISAPPEAR TO?dID YOU LICK IT RIGHT UP?
ReplyDeletefirst of all UGG PERSON I really cannot follow what on earth you are ranting on about I mean can you even speak English? because your prose has "Google Translate" written all over it ~!~~!!~~
ReplyDeleteBEVERLY: your comments won't have got right through because after 3 days or so they go into automatic Moderation. This is so that when somebody says something in relation to some ancient post of mine I'm alerted to the comment coming through so's I don't miss it...
ANONYMOUS: scoring? In Enfield? Sorry but I'm not up for scoring with anyone anywhere. I'm seriously trying to get OUT of the rut of using just to feel not even good but just acceptably OK. My moods lately have been just terrible I really have to sort my head out and scoring with someone I don't know really is not going to help me at all. Sorry. & also obviously I don't know you at all: there's no way I'd meet up with someone I found via my blog that's a real route to trouble. Best wishes with yourself and your life and take care of yourself :-)
BEV: does my depression come endogenously within myself or does it relate to situations?
ReplyDeleteSexy that I wear coat and scarf in bed? REALLY? Hey maybe you see things entirely differently... But I feel like a Victorian gerontion! BO-ridden, drest head to toes in sweat-stained white cotton with a shrivelled white bedcap on my greasy head!
Lovely kisses to you too, Bev. And in whatever deliciously delightful flavour you choose ;-)
... re the depression; I think it is partially reactive... if you looked up "depression" in reference works written in my childhood... up until the 70s and 80s but not beyond... then depression was listed TWICE in those old books. As a "neurosis" and a "psychosis". "Neurotic depression" was said to be anxiety-related. A person with this disorder would tend to feel worse as the stresses of the day pile upon them... then to have difficulty getting to sleep. So-called "psychotic depression" or "endogenous depression" or "manic-depression" of the unipolar type (because in former years, in Europe, "manic-depressive psychosis" referred to severe mood disorder of either manic OR depressive type or often (as in what's today termed "bipolar disorder" ~~~ fluctuating between both "poles") meant depression coming "from within" ~~~ presumably as manifestation of genetically spread biochemical imbalance. Features of the illness were said to be "diurnal variation" of mood whereby a person had "terminal insomnia" that is, relatively little problems going TO sleep, but they'd tend to wake far too early in the small hours of the morning feeling absolutely terrible, mood gradually improving as the day went on, so that in some cases, by mid-evening, a person might feel relatively OK... mood was said to be non-reactive, meaning that if someone with "endogenous depression" won the lottery they'd feel little better... this was said to be a "psychotic" condition and the person blamed themself rather than circumstances for the dreadful drop in mood and true psychotic features were relatively common. Example: delusions of guilty, strong feelings of self-repoach. It was thought that antidepressant therapy was more likely to be effective in this manner of illness where the condition was essentially a "brain disease". Electroconvulsive therapy was frequently used. Physical symptoms of the illness were also supposed to be more prominent: eg vegetative symptoms ~ ie a person is very slowed down in physical movement and speeech. Nothing really improves the mood, no matter how positive. It's well-nigh impossible to snap out of the sheer overwhelming misery.
Of course in actuality clinical depression is v often a mixture of both extremes. I remember years ago in the university summer hols I was scrating off a scratchcard when £50,000 came up THREE TIMES so I'd WON I'D WON I'D WON!!! But instead of feeling on top of the world in launched straight into panic where every negative eventuality pressed itself simultaneously into my head and all I could see and feel was what a bad thing it was to have won all this money... well it turned out I'd totally misread the card; I hadn't won anything at all.
BEV PART 2 MY RAMBLINGS WERE TOO LENGTHY TO FIT INTO A SINGLE COMMENT BOX!
ReplyDeleteBeing as I'm officially a "bipolar 1" manic-depressive (if I'm not the full schizoaffective) my depression "ought to be" of the second, endogenous, type. But in actuality my negative moods are often relatively mixed. I tend to oversleep. My mood does vary during the day but in neither of the patterns specified above ~ if anything, I can often wake feeling relatively OK; my mood declines and dips pretty obviously in the middle of the day, only to pick up over the couple of hours prior to going to bed to sleep. When depression is relatively mild I can definitely snap out of it for a while if something good happens. When it's been really bad though, I remember that I couldn't snap out of it at all... what would happen was I'd get incredibly stressed and paranoid instead of happy. The lower the mood went the less reactive it became. I remember one day when I just had to get up from my armchair, where I vegitated rather than staying in bed all day without the will to get up I'd sit in this armchair in front of the telly instead... but I got up to cross the room, ending up in the middle of the room frozen like a statue having lost the volition to go on.
In many ways my depressive symptoms have been the opposite of the hyperactive, hyperkinetic ultra-flighty and reactive symptoms of mania, though the worst I ever remember feeling was when I had manic symptoms on top of severely depressive mood.
So in a nutshell, if I can possibly give that, yes my mood is amenable to good things going on around me, except when it gets so incredibly depressively bad I just cannot snap out of it at all... and then I'm DROWNING IN NEGATIVITY and when I've been like that it's so absolutely terrible that for weeks afterwards, just thinking back to the terrible situation completely traumatized me... I hope this answers your query. I feel the need to spell this out because I've got plans to launch my own book about Mood Disorders of all type where I explain to the Ordinary Person, the Man in the Street just what it's like and how it is to be severely mentally ill with a Disorder of Mood and how a person survives... and to spell out the whole spectrum of mood disorder, how mild and severe it can be, what goes on, how and why... hey as a Unipolar Depressive with Dual Diagnosis issues ... do you think you could see your way clear to doing an interview with me... maybe writing a set-piece description of depression ~~ how it struck~~ and how you survived it?
Also, do you mind my asking:~~~ when you were in the lowest pits of despair, were you able to cheer yourself up to any degree at all? Did you find yourself binge-eating (the way I used to sometimes do?)... did you tend to oversleep, or undersleep? If you had insomnia was it of the Not Being Able To Get Off To Sleep variety?... or "Terminal Insomnia":~~ Waking Too Early? or a bit of both or everything or what...?? Please RSVP in as much detail as possible; I'm really interested in how other people have coped and why they coped and how suicidal they felt, what went on... really how did anyone survive? Because I've been feeling so severely down these past days in so many ways I've been wondering how other people manage to Cope With Life AT ALL... :-(
HI AGAIN BEV: THIS IS A COPY OF THE COMMENT i LEFT CHEZ TOI. I NEEDED A COPY HERE SO I'M UP-TO-DATE WITH WHAT I SAID TO WHOM... (might sound slightly odd, but I need to keep my personal filing cabinet in good order)... (know what I mean..??!? ;-)...)
ReplyDeleteI used to hate myself too at school. Recently I managed to get back in touch with this girl who really hated me when we were in the same class as teenagers and she sent me this lovely really sweet apology for her behaviour... I was so touched to get something back saying basically how ashamed she was to have been so cruel to somebody she described as quiet and shy and kind. (I don't recall specifically ever being nice or kind, but I wasn't horrible to anyone either, so I spose that's what she meant...)... anyway it was really nice to get this message back.
BeverlyBabe: I've written you a long comment back chez moi but there is a purpose and a point to this all... I'm doing some informal research for this book I want to write about depression and mood disorders and I'm wondering what precise symptoms you might have had when you had "Unipolar Depressive Disorder"... (whatever posh name they gave it)... I suppose this meant you were prone to depression and that such depression came back so you had at least a couple of episodes over the course of your life...? Is that right?
You asked whether my depressed mood was ever reactive to circumstance, so that if something good happened I felt even slightly better for a bit? Well, as I recall, when I was at the relatively mild end of the spectrum I seem to recall that if something good happened then yes I did feel a bit better for a short while... was this true for you too?
Also when a person is really depressed usually their sleep is badly fucked up. I tend to sleep for way too long... do you have great difficulties getting off to sleep? Or staying asleep? Or do you wake ultra-early feeling like living crap..? And if so, does your mood, when you're that badly depressed, ever seem to improve as the day goes on?
Do you ever get intense feelings of guilt? Or hear voices? Or get anything they might call "psychotic symptoms"...? I used to get this thing where across my rubbish-strewn room I'd glance at something like a creased teeshirt or a crumpled carrier bag and see faces with evil expressions in these objects. That happened to me a LOT. I'm wondering... did that ever used to happen to you too...? If so, did you attach "meaning" of any sort to it?... if so, what meaning?
If you don't want to reply in my comments, you can leave a more private and personal message at my email:
hammynutter@lycos.com
but if you DO email, you wouldn't mind alerting me... you can leave a comment at a really old blog post and I WILL get it because my blog is set up to let me know when somebody comments even at something posted months or years ago ~~ the comments go through moderation so I'm definitely alerted.
I'm definitely interested in different people's differing experiences of depression, and what might have caused it... how the illness ran its course and how, eventually, it burned itself out...
so please RSVP I'm fascinated to know!
Love the super long thing about shoes! What the hell? But yeah, gotta sleep bundled up too a good deal of the time, this house has NO central heating, just a wall heater that's like a giant hairdryer and it heats maybe 3 ft in front of it in the living room. SUCKS. And so does feeling like this. Yeah, so so so similar. Isn't that what's so dumb about the whole "medicating" bipolar thing (on the mental health side) - they only seem to want to treat the up side? come on now, that isn't where eye most run into trouble. Eye'm not going to feel awesome and just lay around in bed not doing anything, Stupid.
ReplyDeleteBut if you find yourself going off on long tangents about personal matters, it's time to get back on track. The whole professional vs. personal ratio also has to be calculated with your topic and target audience in mind. If you're having second thoughts about writing something in your blog that might be crossing the line, it's best to err on the side of caution and leave it out.
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