Over the past week or two I haven't used very much gear at all. I was hypomanic, my mood was high. When I feel like that I don't NEED that nasty stuff!
I found myself using it the last couple of days purely because I felt so horrible. A lot of this horribleness might be incipient depression, which often manifests physically. I have this pervasive feeling of physical discomfort and dysphoria ~ it's the type of feeling I couldn't describe to a doctor, because it isn't distinctive enough, and I have no "symptoms". I have just been feeling negative, tired and crappy. And the sunlight streaming into the top deck of the bus yesterday morning was downright painful. I think it's no coincidence that when I feel "high" and manic, lights make me feel very high indeed. So the mood's changing polarity and so do my reactions to things. I bought more heroin late last night and that made me high again. It's as if the gear brings out the tiny bit of hypomanic high left in me. (A speedy high, so I couldn't sleep. Not ordinary heroin-induced drowsiness at all.) (I was still feeling very slightly excited yesterday morning, despite feeling depressed: all these symptoms run on separate cycles.) Anyway I don't know where I'm going now. I'm hoping that maybe I was just going to feel ill for a couple of days, that the illness will pass and so will the "need" for heroin.
I can't believe I'm back to using gear again for self-medication. Self-medicating is the hardest habit to kick. I'm in a situation where methadone is NOT helping like it should. Feeling cold and physically and mentally uncomfortable on methadone but not heroin is a bad thing. I WANT the methadone to work for me, but it just does not work the way the clinic believe it "should" do.
If I'm still having this problem in the new year I'm going to insist they change the methadone to some other drug. My worker said they CAN give morphine XR pills in rare cases where methadone isn't tolerated. Well I'm not tolerating it. (Also methadone seems to burn as it goes down ~ which is seriously not nice.)
Sorry if this is an unfocused post. IF ONLY I could dump that brown shit ~ yet again ~ but this time for good. Wish me luck. Because I think I'll need it
... Or better still, pray to God for a miracle..."With God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26.)
praying with you my friend. I hope you do have a happy and clean new year
ReplyDeleteTHANKS: I HOPE SO!
ReplyDeleteGleds, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Keep asking God for the courage to get through and the strength to quit and he will help you. Have faith, okay?
ReplyDeletePhilippians 4:13
I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.
Hugs to you,
Summer
I dont know how heroin works.Do you get bad withdrawl?
ReplyDeleteI use to alternate between half Valium and next day whole and it worked for me with some drinks at night for my insomnia then it was alternate 1/4 with none until I was off keeping a few for emergency panic.
I think you have to hate the drug to really really want to get off it.
I will keep you in my prayers hoping you sucseed in what ever it is you want to do.Ginger bread kissesXoXo
Hi, Thanks for the tune yesterday ;-) So so busy here .. . I've worked manically for ten days now.
ReplyDeleteI came here to write a post tonight but I'm very tired. I'll still try though, otherwise I wont get time before Christmas!
I really hoope you can get clean in 2013, I hope we both can, I really really do hope and pray that this is the year for some big change.
Right, I'm off to write a post before I write it here. Sending you love, as always x
I don't know why methadone should feel like it burns you.
ReplyDeleteIts only sugary nothing to cause burning sensation.
Why still using crap gear waste of yr time and money mate.
I surely hope that you can kick it in the New Year. I know that you can if you put your mind and heart to it.
ReplyDeleteOh cheese me again.
ReplyDeleteI want to wish you & Binky a Merry Christmas and all the trimmings that go with it.
I bet your going to have a delish dinner.Yummy.
Merry Christmas Gledwood Xoxo
We're all with you, Gleds. One day you will do it! Merry Xmas and love from Simi and me. xx woof!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a Happy Christmas m'deario and sincerely hope you get your wish for the New Year. x
ReplyDeleteOh hello my dear. I was just about to give you a long lecture on the evils of drugs when the dog did a crap right in my bubble-bath and the turds are bobbing about everywhere. I simply must go and attend to the situation. Merry Christmas to you too.
ReplyDeleteSUMMER: thank you very much. I'm not happy about taking Nasty Heroin tomorrow, just to get through the day, but it's bought and paid for but after that I pray God NEVER AGAIN.
ReplyDeleteBEV: I don't get into withdrawal because the methadone is supposed to completely compensate for any heroin that was in my system. Methadone is dodgy and I hate it... but then so is heroin. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just wanna get off both!
BUGERLUGS: Best of luck to you too. Hey maybe we can both beat the shit next year!
ANON: apparently there is some chloroform in methadone mixture. My friend says it burns his gullet. With me it's more my stomach, when I drink it first thing in the morning it makes me nauseated afterwards. I mean it's not too terrible but I just want OFF that and the other stuff FOR GOOD. O yeah and like you say the gear is atrocious nowadays and has been since that massive drought 2 years ago. If the criminals cannot even keep a country the size of the UK well supplied I have even less respect for them than before. Never again am I putting my happiness in the hands of such bastards.
SYD: thanks I know I can. I'm really displeased about tomorrow having already bought gear just to make it through the day. I'm stopping after that and not right on new year's eve like most people would I hate heroin, all it has done and all it stands for :-(
BEV: THANK YOU ~~ o yeah I hope it will be wondrous. We put in money about £15 that's $25 each so it should be bloody good!
WELSHCAKES: thanks. Hopefully one day soon and starting BEFORE next year!
AKELAMALU: you too have a great one.
OLD MOTHER CRACK POT: hello Mother Crackpot. Again. You really need to take your doggie to some type of Behavioural Training lessons. Or to a vet specializing in bowel disorders. All that crapping is no good. And no good at all in your bath!!
WISHING A GREAT DAY TOMORROW TO ONE AND ALL :-)