Yes I'm learning Italian. And yesterday, because I had taken DRUGS (benzoated heroin) I managed to stick with it till one in the morning. I wonder how I'm going to manage without heroin in my life any more. Because I've officially dropped it. (Yes I know, yet again.) Only this time it really is THE END. I'm telling myself over and over that if, having experienced the horrible thoughts and feelings (depression, despair, suicidality, extreme cognitive dissonance ~ not to mention the horrible fact that my scripted methadone doesn't really "hold" me properly... That if, having gone through all that + a miniature nervous breakdown and crisis of confidence and self, if I go back to Life Ruining Heroin yet again then that's it. I'm officially a HOPELESS CASE.
I mean, it got so bad a couple of weeks ago. My worker DEMANDED a clean urine. I could not give one. What I went through over this supposedly simple point (I mean I don't even know how many days clean you have to go for your pee to be clean. I've never really "tried" to give clean urine before... Never really cared)... I was suicidal. I came really close to just telling the drug clinic to F OFF and going back to heroin for good. Except there is no "for good". It's all for bad. I'm never going to die on heroin. Never. It kind of annoys me when my family express this fear because I think they know as well as I do IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. If I die as a drug addict, it will be BY MY OWN HAND. ~ DELIBERATELY. I'm never ever going to get the luxury of dying by accidental overdose and have always known this. Everybody knows this, and I do find it slightly irritating when they affect not to.
So I was going to dump the methadone and just go back on heroin. But seeing as I'm NOT GOING TO DIE and part of me always has wanted to clean up I'm only going to end up back where I am now. So might as well take things forward. Did I really want to get off HEROIN? OFF ALL DRUGS? Well actually, yes. And being as heroin is the ONLY illicit drug left, once I've kicked that, that's the problem licked.
My GP did amuse me last week, by repeatedly asking when I last had a drink. That's so badly missing the point. Alcohol was only ever a side-order for heroin. Everything else was a side order. The other stuff was like butter to heroin's bread or sugar to opiate tea. On their own, butter and sugar are useless. What I mean by "benzoated heroin" is that some mysterious crap is IN the heroin (not mushed up pills }~ neat rohypnol (which is active in a 1mg dose) or something like that. I don't want it. But when that's all there is, what can you do? O and as for crack, I gave that up years ago!
So me and heroin are separated. I know I shouldn't be writing this on my blog. It's far too premature. But hey. I took a stonking great dose of methadone today. Three times my prescription. (You can buy it quite easily ooff certain crackhead junkies who aren't even trying to do the programme....)
As for mood stabilizers and wanting to be "high". I'm talking there about my own natural moods. Surely there's nothing at all unhealthy about wanting to be on your own natural high?
I have been exceptionally moody of late. The other night I couldn't sleep because I felt like I'd consumed a fishtank full of black coffee. I hadn't drunk any and my coffee is decaffeinated. About an hour later I found myself pacing and thought "I'm manic!" Then I told myself "don't be so ridiculous!" Then I put on Russian and Polish technopop at about 5am and really WAS feeling high. It's wonderful to be that way NATURALLY. Anyway eventually, over a few hours, the mood faded and I slept excessively a night or two later. That's not any type of "episode" that's a "blip" and I get loads of those (though never particularly when I want them).
By the way, talking about death, does anybody know what to do when you want to make a contract/agreement/understanding with your doctors that in the event of life-threatening illness you just want nature to take it's course? I've tried googling and got nowhere. Binky, who affects to want to die, never ever takes me seriously on this point (which makes me question her psychology, not mine). Well being as my GP is trying head games with me I can put him into a real checkmate with this one. Ie (for various reasons) there's no way he can get out of agreeing to what I want. If I'm ever seriously ill I just want palliative care and that's it. Because I have a horrible mental diagnosis I have to get this on the record sooner rather than later, as some complete bastard could argue that my wishes mean I'm out of my senses and keep me alive against my will. I would be BEYOND FURIOUS if that happened. All I have ever wanted is to die by fate or accident (so morally, it's not suicide) if some doctor cheated me out of that I might kill HIM instead!
Uk why do I end up on these morbid subjects. I went up the Support Workers place and sorted out my poll tax today. I'm repaying the last place I lived at at the rate of £40 a month. That's quite a lot, but at least I'll be cleared.
I still want my ebook but my attention span is waxing and waning like the moon.
I was watching that Nothing to Delcare on Pick TV last night and did you know a modern-day heroin smuggler looks like a respectable foreign granny. 'Cept with 700g of mystery white powder stuffed into her shoes. Yes A-grade China white! Why can't they give it to me. I'd destroy it for them. Eventually. What I'd do is mix it with tapwater and shoot it up a bit at a time. And eventually it'd all be destroyed and I'd be ready for the next batch! What am I saying: I'm off the drugs aren't I? Ho-humm.... I'm in such a good mood though, considering I'm clean. Was in such a BAD one this morning. O and by the way my red bucket is exactly the same size as the silver one it's trying to replace... I'm sure you're fascinated to know that.... Well I must dash.
Oh back to Nothing to Declare on Pick TV, have you noticed ~ in Australia it's heroin and food they smuggle in. Here in the UK ~ cocaine and cigarettes. Does that say anything about the collective vices of our two nations? Or only that heroin smugglers in Austalia are small potatoes and ditto cocaine and ciggies in the UK. Here, our heroin is brought through in multi-hundred kilo loads by truck and THAT is why you never see UK airport seizures of heroin. Yes, the trade is too professional! Cocaine, on the other hand, is a different matter. I heard on the news a few years ago that when they did a clampdown on flights from Kingston, Jamaica, they found one particular flight where 50% of the passengers ~ and I'm not kidding ~ were muling coke!
OK the 50% figure might be my own confabulation but OFFICIAL figures estimated that, in the early 2000s, one passenger in ten on Kingston-London flights was carrying cocaine internally. That's a LOT of coke, when you think about it. And an awful lot of sad people wasting their money on it. Why PAY for paranoia, anxiety, depression and a pathetically weak manic feeling? No idea.
Don't know why, but this tune (or rather the idea of it) is whirling round my head...
Is it because only last week I was watching Casino starring Sharon Stone and Robert DeNiro with Italian voice-over (when I very rapidly got bored and switched back to English)...
BANANARAMA: ROBERT DENIRO'S WAITING (TALKING ITALIAN)
CHINESE TRANCE MIX
Couldn't find any decent Russian stuff. (Not saying this is decent either.)
Don't give up giving up mate !
ReplyDeleteJust buy a bit of extra meth till you get down to your script level.
Most people give a clean sample after 4days but it varies & also depends upon the kind of test. You've done so well to get your dose down so low.
Just keep in mind "The best is yet to come". x
I'm hoping that you mean it about giving up H. If you really are serious then great. If not, then it's the same old same old over and over.
ReplyDeleteAye I know SYD that's why I thought "bugger it I shouldn't say ANYTHING prematurely people are already bored of my ceaseless prevarocations"...
ReplyDeleteKARL: yeah I reckon in 4 days I can be down or nearly down to my official script. Is it just 4 days..? I never was sure... my old worker used to say it was 5 but he was probably just trying to do my head in...
Bloody website won't take my comment bc I tried to move it. Here goes
ReplyDeleteYeah it does sound like a psychotic episode. But schizoaffective disorder means you've had either full-blown mania or full-blown depression ON TOP of schizophrenia symptoms (I say full-blown because some degree of depression (which may be serious enough so qualify on its own for a diagnosis of "major depression") is pretty normal in schizophrenia. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. My friend has just been changed from schizoaffective disorder depressive type back to "paranoid schizophrenia"... really the labels don't matter that much.
What's stopping them making a proper diagnosis is either that they think the symptoms you describe are caused by drugs or they just don't believe you. For years I used to hear voices off and on that weren't that loud and often I couldn't even tell you what the voices said, they were too vague. But then I suddenly went into florid pschotic mania ~ with a really drastically "elevated mood" (like being high on crack only I hadn't touched crack in months). The voices I heard in this mania sounded absolutely real. I THOUGHT I could distinguish what was and wasn't "real" to others but got it wrong on several occasions.
If the problem is they basically don't believe you then probably it means you're presenting as too "sane" meaning you appear normal and mentally well. Don't be put off by this it's a GOOD THING. Loads of people have told me I "don't seem to have schizophrenia" but they don't realize how often I hear voices, see visuals etc when I'm NOT manic (or anything bar relatively mildly depressed). There is a condition called "depression with psychotic features" but you really need to be EXTREMELY depressed to qualify for that label and it's probably thee most horrible condition in psychiatry. I know people who have had this and I've never been down that low, certainly not for any length of time (usually psychotic depression lasts months). But I've been depressed and psychotic loads of times. Like I said I see visuals as well as hear voices. When I've been really psychotic I also hear funny noises eg musical bells, squidging noises etc, as much as voices. When I'm "ill" I can shut my eyes and see vivid imagery... in the dark I can see this eyes open but wide awake.
O yeah, another thing, if they think these hallucinations are only occurring when you're half-asleep or very drowsy they're called "hypnogogic hallucinations" and don't "count" towards a diagnosis of psychosis...
I hope this helps. If you want more information feel free to contact me. You can also read my blog at http://gledwood4.blogspot.com I'm really not sure WHAT I think about mental health, psychiatry or mental health services. I think sometimes mental labels are convenient things to stick on patients they can't otherwise treat!
I hope you get sorted soon. BTW for psychosis they would probably want you to take antipsychotics eg quetiapine. A lot of people don't like taking them but they DO work... so remember if you do start feeling really bad, medication IS out there that could help (even just Valium to calm you down)... you mention medication not working but probably you just haven't found the right stuff (or the right dose) yet... it doesn't always take everything away, but it CAN make you feel a lot better... and if you ever feel REALLY desperate, go to a mental hospital. Most have emergency clinics where you can see a dr without an appointment. Take care of yourself and I hope you find the answers you're looking for sooner rather than later...
;-)