Divorce from the Self

HELLO it is a hot sticky Saturday afternoon I'm not in the mood to post anything but I'm here so why not. Oh my computer that I use every day STILL doesn't offer me internet access. If you're wondering why haven't I had it repaired it's because I've been too busy using Microsoft Word to hand it in to some repair person for two weeks. Also I don't want its memory to be wiped. I NEED Word on that machine. I've got a horrible feeling that absolutely every program on that thing is going to have to be deinstalled. Every single one. Wow, that's going to be fun. Because the antivirus or antispam thing is blocking internet access... blah blah it's a long story.

I don't know why but I found myself thinking about my past and feeling very kind of ... what's the word ... I dunno. Sorry for myself? Disgusted? Lost? Indulgent? Who knows?? Well that's the thing you see, I think my biggest problem in life has been that I'm separate and divorced from myself. This makes me incredibly "objective" and excellent at second-guessing myself. But terrible at actually knowing how I feel. Lousy at living a joined-up existence. And very bad indeed at being one person instead of a collection of perceptions scattered all over the place.

I think that's why I turned to drugs. (Correction: DRUG singular ~~ h
eroin.) It made me feel whole and I have never been that. When I went mad a few years ago I was hearing voices every day and the voices are a kind of separation from self. When I was really insane it was impossible to tell whether I was thinking, hearing or imagining somebody else's dream. Nowadays I only hear voices when I'm really tired (I'm not talking about a dream ~~ I mean I'm awake when I hear them, but maybe you could call it a waking dream.) I sometimes see things... but none of that bothers me. Depression bothers me sometimes. Insecurity used to bother me a LOT. But I'm still to this day separate from myself... so how am I ever going to find out WHO I AM???

I'm sorry to everyone I haven't been in touch with but after this I really have to run; I'm too scared of staying online. Don't you feel like you're being spied on? Or that the internet is sucking your life away? I think one day we'll all be washing dishes and get sucked down a digital plug hole swirling with the babbling memories of times past and then we'll get swooshed away into the communal sewers of 21st Century Blues and wonder where the hell our lives went. Know what I mean?