THE WEATHER is weird. Freezing cold last night and yet sweaty. I finally slept yesterday morning but noly for four hours or so (6-10am). Then I went to bed after 6pm and got up at 11. I was up all ngiht feeling horrible. I tried to score but two dealers let me down. They claim to be on 24 hours and yet the night shift are fast asleep. My appetite was so bad I was nauseated by a plate of Lloyd Grossman on stuffed pasta. It took all day to finish. Then at 1am I bought a half-kilo (just over a pound) of humungous green grapes that were so lovely I polished off the lot in one go.
I felt so horrible last night. Sweaty. Skin crawling. Boiling hot then freezing cold. Exhausted and yet could not settle. Eventually I gave in and turned on the fan-heater (In August!) It felt good at first and then uncomfortable. I'd taken a Nytol ("one a night") and felt nothing. Thinking I was "clucking", I'd also boshed back an extra 10mg methadone. It barely seemed to make any difference.
After it had got light and two more Nytold later I did eventually drift off. I was up by 10:20. Trudged down the post office where a skinny drawn old man was the only one queueing.
Wow! It was my friend Dave, who owes me £130. We hadn't spoken for six months after I flipped my lid down the phone because he'd promised me £20 yet blown all his cash on crack. I'd stopped taking my old medication (risperidone) which had the side-effect of making me anxious bordering on panicky. So then I'd ended up angry, depressed and paranoid, sending increasingly irritated messages to Dave and his lovely wife Clara.
The first thing I did was to apologize profusely for being so rude. I kenw he wanted the money for crack and I'd been hassling him for it back when he'd just come out of hospital. Dave is pretty ill with HIV. Sometimes he's so sick he has to pull over the car ad just sit quietly at the roadside.
I told him I thought he'd died ~ and even if he was alive I was convinced I'd never see him again. I'm so happy he's alive. Clara was cool with me even though I'd been very agressive when we last conversed. She said not to worry, that's what happens between friends. I had lent him the £130 over several weeks and never expected to get it back in a hurry. She didn't look good either. Usually she's immaculately put together. But her hair looked almost scruffy and she's very pale and drawn too. They had to pull the car up round the corner to purchase £60 worth of crack (an "Arfur" (supposedly 0.875g) and a "20" (supposedly 0.4g but actually about 0.25g)).
He offered me a pipe but I told him the mere thought of smoking "white" makes me want to vomit. Crack is too intense. It's the opposite of heroin in nearly every way. No way could I indulge in it now. My mood has been "normal" for the past 24 hours, but already I feel myself going a bit "high" yet again. Also my mind is racing. I hear random ideas in the corners of my consciousness. I keep having weird kinds of waking dreams.
I had to fill out a silly form for the DWP (Social Security). If I hadn't been a little bit hypomanic I don't see that I'd have managed it. I kept ticking the wrong boxes and my answers got more and more babbly as the hypomania crept on. I'm so glad to have made my peace with Clara and Dave. I don't care about the money. I'm just so glad he's alive. They're calling me back later or tomorrow.
That mania of mine is ridiculously disruptive. Not having slept for two-and-a-half days has made me feel like we're in Wednesday still when the weekend's here already! Yes, Friday night has arrived!
I don't know where this was going so I'll cut it off now... Wishing a very cheery weekend to you all. Oh that's what I'd forgotten: my family sent me this amazing film called
The Inn of the Sixth Happiness (1958) starring Ingrid Bergman as a missionary in Northern China. It's one of the most amazing films I've ever seen.
And here's another excerpt from Northern China: roborovski hammies. Tubby pingpong-sized furballs of entertainment. Best trotterdonkey pets I've ever kept ~ bar none.
PS did you know
Bugerlugs has about 20 of more tiny trotting robos? She breeds 'em and even has one named after me. Unfortunately Gledwood turned out to be a girl. Bugerlugs found this out after she gave birth to a litter of "baked beans with paws" ~ as hammy "pups" appear!
★ ☆★ ☆★ ☆ ★
Be Fabulous!!
INN OF THE SIXTH HAPPINESS, ORIGINAL TRAILER
BBC "WILD CHINA" ROBOROVSKIS IN INNER MONGOLIA! Apparently they spend all winter underground with the enormous stores of food they hoard. Apparently the local peasants have learned to dig up the nests of some species, which can contain a bushel of grain or more..!
Illustrated: tiny trotters in a ring ~ a gaggle of roborovski hamsters (notice the "white-faced" variation); a cute robo hiding in its nest; Bugerlugs' baby robbies Bubby and Wamp...
★ ☆★ ☆★ ☆ ★
