Friday, 17 February 2012


I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED for weeks but lately it's got worse. I tried not taking my medication (risperidone) but that made me incredibly irritated all the time. (I thought respiridone was making me anxious.) But anyway I'm back on it and feel better today than I have in days so it MIGHT be going away.

My fingers are healing well but still feel crippled especially first thing in the morning. I'm able to wash with my right hand now.

I've been going to an old friend's house. He has a mad staffordshire bull terrier that barks at the TV and chases its tail. Every time I'm there we drink a LOT ~ in fact he asks me to bring drink round. The time before last I drank so much I went home, passed out, was sick and passed out again. Not good! One reason I was so ill is that I DON'T drink so heavily any more so it really hit me.

On a better note my methadone is down to 40mg as of next time and I'm really glad about that. My single goals in life are to live in a clean and tidy house and NOT TO BE ON METHADONE. I hate methadone. I've only had outright mental issues since I relied on methadone alone and not heroin to keep me "sane". It's true I'd had mood swings and hallucinations years before then but they were nowhere near as severe as the ones I had in my outright manic phases last year. I don't know what methadone does or doesn't do that's good or bad re brain chemistry. All I know is I've never liked the stuff and want rid of it from my life as soon as possible.

Well it's weekend already and dark here in London. The weather is far better than it's been in weeks. It actually feels faintly warm when you go outside.



Anonymous said...

hey Mr G

I have an on off relationship with H and of course the great enabler methadone when theres no dope or no cash for 30 years . However afetr being on H for quite a long run a matter of some weeks i find i can drop my dose of ;done from 70mgs down to 20mgs by dropping 5mgs a day with ni ill efects - i can even go to work.
I have been lucky in that the drought hasnt effected me as i have very good sources - as well as at the mo having a srtip of oxy 80's and some fent patches.
GL with your battle- personally I resolved some years ago that i will never give up h completely and im happy with that as i dont let my self get a habit,

Akelamalu said...

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better now you're back on your medication. Good news about your methadone going down again too.

You will probably have arthritis in your fingers now unfortunately. I have and I know exactly how stiff and painfull fingers can be. x

Anonymous said...

i think Valentine's week is enough to make anyone depressed. Too much mushy mushy love stuff can be mood suppressing.

Anywho, Glad your mood's going back up and your hand is healing.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Sorry you're depressed, Gleds - it's not a nice place to be. Lots of love and hugs from us. xx woof!

Syd said...

Hope that you feel better and happier. Spring is around the corner.

xo lilly (my life unspoken) said...

hey gledwood.... depression is fucked and noone seems to get it unless they got it or live with someone who does. its also hard to find the medication which is right for each person. glad your back...ibeen drinking lots too. its so hot here, like over 35 degrees celcius each day and i been drinking way too much beer. way too much. talk soon, xo lilly

Furtheron said...

looks to be a nice sunny morning in London (Monday) so have a good day.

Take heart from the methadone reduction that is goodness

Anna Grace said...

Dude I know your the only one of my readers who watches Dallas and Dynasty.

I'm at 85mgs of Methadone. I've been staying at that dose for a while.

I'm working on a book, and I wanted to email you what I have so far, and get your feed back. I should have taken your feedback with my last book. The critizim you gave me is the same almost everyone else has.

Lots of love darling. I did tell him I have hep c, and we did use condoms.

karl said...

Hi Gledwood,
Well done with the meth you've achieved an incredible amount. I'm on 45ml but seriously have to think about raising it a little because things have been tough recently . At least the meth is reliable, cheap & effective if used properly.
I known its horribe gooey shit but it's better than having nought. I certainly wouldn't go through another raw cluck.
Your goals are realistic,there's no reason I cann think of to stop you from avchieving them. At the end of the day it's up to you !
I wish you all the very best xKarl

Gledwood said...

Thanks for the messages everyone I'm feeling better than when I wrote that post...

Anonymous said...

just keep takinh gear when ever you feel like taking it - why thed fuck not , one life right? nihalism rules enjoy each momenyt as it presents itself.

Gledwood said...

I am taking gear when I feel like it which isn't that much. I still want to get off the nasty methadone for as long as I'm on it I'm chained to that chemist and I want to be able to go see my family and not worry about drinking green crap every day. In fact I want to live the rest of my life without worrying about drinking green crap every day!