HEROIN IS A DRUG TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY

THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HEROIN



Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Elevated, Irritable, Expansive Moods...

YEAH, BINKY says I'm "high" today because I won't stop singing at the top of my voice and talking about Hammy (my 1990s late hamster) and Glodemer.(our late 1980s silver-&-grey coated family New Zealand Barking Dog who "looked like a seal"). Our family GP, Dr Grendle, said that Glodemer, who was only medium sized and had the sweetest nature of any doggie I have ever known yet had the deepest, roughest bark was a "New Zealand Barking Dog" ~ a kind of unofficial breed out there. But I just googled New Zealand Barkers and got nothing back so who knows... My sleep pattern has been horrendous. My last-but-one period of wakefulness began when I rose at 10:30pm at some time over the weekend. Then I stayed awake for a good day-and-a-half, if not longer. I was going to trot off to a Narcotics Anon meeting at 7pm on Monday night but drowsiness and exhaustion overcame me before I could leave the house (to my then sleep-pattern the meeting was at 5am anyhow...) so I went to bed at about five pm, slept for what felt like ages but I subsequently found out was only three hours. But even that tiny amount of sleep had totally burst the bubble of my lovely "elevated mood". I was very irritable, tired, acheing all over and starting to feel horribly depressed. I was also craving heroin strongly. So in the end I bought said heroin and did at least get a bit of kind of half-sleep. 

But I didn't sleep that well at all. I was up all night copying Italian Linguaphone dialogues into my mega notebook. Then I had to get to Binky's for 7:30 or 8:00am to lend her £50  ($78.25) I "need" to lend her that money as having blown so much on furniture I know I'll be Stoney Broke by next Monday, which is precisely when said debt is due to be repaid. I think my Druggieworker is in a bad mood with me for having thoroughly avoided her clinic for two weeks solid. Naomi, the Dual Diagnosis Nutter Club lady, who specializes in Nutter Junkie work, invited me to a Drama Therapy Group. Much as I love Naomi (because she calls me "amazing") and do enjoy acting from time to time, I cannot think of anything I'd less rather do when Seriously Not In The Mood than strutting across a public stage in the midst of angry public paranoid depression!

Yeah anyway I'm in Druggieclinic Bad Books for not having attended "MBT group" (which is a treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder anyhow and I don't have that). I don't want to go to these groups because I suspect their agenda is to deconstruct my coping mechanisms thereby eroding my mental health and sending me permanently and intractably mad! I'm not entirely sure how MBT is meant to work but if it IS going to undo my coping mechanisms ~ thereby leaving me unable to cope, then I'm seriously NOT INTERESTED!...

Oh, I forgot to say about my {inadvertant} "cruelty to pigeons" scandal! Yes I finally managed to keep my errant electricity cabinet shut only to discover, two days later, that a poor desperate pigeon had been locked in there all that time! It's true I DID hear intermittent desperate flappings at the door and yet every time I peered inside, said cupboard appeared to be bare. Until a good two (if not THREE) days into this saga when I finally opened the door only for a surprisingly healthy and rainbow-plumรจd pigeon to make an instant flap for freedom the minute the door was ajar. Anyway, I opened my back balcony door the other day, it being a sultry summer's day and all. The door blew my door wide open and when I reached over to shut it, I noticed a brand new nest of long grass and a poor desperate-looking pigeon sitting on this nest. Yes! I have a pregnant pigeon living on my balcony! I know she is "pregnant" because yesterday morning, when she went for a flap across our estate, I could plainly see the gorgeous pair of pigeon's eggs left behind in her wondrously made nest... 

I wonder when they're due to hatch? And will I be able to tame one or both of the babies? Will they end up living in my house? And if so, will the sound of top-volume early-morning cooing finally drive me over the edge...? (Of the balcony...) Anyway I must flap off myself. I've a "dis-appointment" with my horrible new GP in a couple of hours' time which I need to psych myself up for... Last time we met he had the gall to declare that the mousy, depressed and very upset version of myself that he saw was somehow the "real" me (ie that despite claiming depression I was actually "OK" ~ I wasn't OK at all... So now I'm elevated I'm going to give that bastard one in the eye and let him know what I REALLY THINK ..

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6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think I know what your N.Z. barking dog might be. There are two different sorts of farm dogs here in N.Z. Both breeds are used for rounding up sheep. One breed is silent., and they don't bark, they sneak around the sheep eyeing them into pens. The other breed is used in the high country and they are called "headers" and they bark like crazy to herd all the sheep up from all around the hills. Maybe this is the breed you mean. We used to have an old show in N.Z. called 'The Dog Show' (I think) which pitted farmers and their teams of dogs against each other!!! Only in N. Z.! Kiwigirl

Anonymous said...

I suspect you had a N. Z. Huntaway, bred for it's big deep bark and ability to work in high country farms to be able to muster sheep and cattle!
Try googling N. Z. farm dogs, and see if any of them resemble your old pet!!
Kiwigirl.

P. S. Whatever has happened to Buggerlugz?

Bev said...

just this one time i dont agree with Binky.
Singing is good.It is happy and lifts your spirit. If you was with me I will be happy to hear your singing and I will apreciate your beautiful voice.May be your not trained as a singer but your voice is so beautiful people fall in love with your voice.I lovwe you. you hot sexy baritone.
oh I read your taking up Italian.I know you gotta be good at it cause I think its the best language next to spanish and i love them both.Im sorry i have not been a round.i am stresse out about July 17th and how my tests go.Keep me in your prayers my lil honeylover.

Bev said...

Im so forgetful and forgetable.
Please give my love to bother Bugerluvs and Anna Grace.& TO YOURSELF TO.
BTW are you taking comments cuse I cant find mine?

KansasSunflower said...

Aha! I finally found your "followers" button, all the way at the bottom of your blog!

I've heard of that therapy, and I've heard of people not liking it as you've said. I know absolutely nothing about it except that it seems to be common for people with our disorder. If it is being used on me, they have had the decency not to tell me. : )

You told your doctor you were depressed and he/she told you that you were NOT? That is nuts. YOU know how you feel, someone can't tell you what you are feeling and deny or minimize it. I don't know how the medical system works in your country. Do you have the choice to go to another doctor? I would hate to have to argue with my doctor about how I feel, like I have to convince them that I am depressed? What kind of bullshit is that, seriously?

Very cool about the birds, Gledwood! Not that you accidentally trapped them, very honest mistake, but you have baby birds!! Maybe take a picture so we can see them too? : ) xoxo

Gledwood said...

Anonymous: I looked up the NZ sheepdog and the Huntaway dog but nothing looked like Gloddie unfortunately (she had mottled silver-grey fur... never seen fur quite like it anywhere else...)

Kansas: I wasn't severely depressed when the dr said I "seemed ok"... but he was talking about "schizophrenia" saying "do you really think you've got 'schizophrenia'? And I was saying NO but that I was NOT feeling OK. But this dr was leafing through a whole pile of letters and other info saying I was a heroin addict and I pretty well KNEW what he was implying ~ that I was just another malingering, exaggerating, timewasting junkie. These mental issues started years BEFORE I ever went on heroin. Paranoia, everything... and certainly depression so it's just nonsensical so say it's "all drugs"... But that's what they tried telling me for years before I came OFF heroin and went nuts!

Beverly: HELLO DARLING WOW YOU'RE BACK AT LAST!!... oh you know what it's like. Any form of excessive happiness these days is considered "crazy" whereas depression just HAS to be my normal personality. Why do you think I hate psychiatry so much!!!