LAST WEDNESDAY 4th April, having been moody all week with "affective symptoms" I finally got fed up of having to endure Chronic Fatigue Syndrome-esque feelings every day and opted not to take my Seroquel/quetiapine antipsycho pills that night.
So I lay in bed feeling like I'd knocked back a vast vat of black coffee, when in reality I'd drunk none. By 1am I was anxious. By 2am I was more hyped up than ever and beginning to feel high. So I jumped up and put on loud music and didn't bother going to bed all night.
I was bright and awake all the next day and not at all tired. At midnight I popped a Nytol (over the counter sleeping aid) yet still didn't feel sleepy. In fact I kept experiencing paroxisms of excitement over nothing. At 2am I popped another one. I went to bed and was half awake all night. Finally I got to sleep after 6am, and my requisite trip to the methadone chemists aside, I stayed in bed all day only rising at 8pm. My mood was lovely and normal (not tired and depressed and a bit grouchy like it is a lot of the time) so I thoroughly enjoyed being normal.
Now I'm sinking down. Slept SIXTEEN HOURS yesterday, which is usually an impending sign of depression.
I've been trying hard not to use heroin on top of my 30mg methadone. I messed up my reduction bad enough to have to ask the clinic to stop reducing for now, so I can at least catch up with myself. I didn't tell them this, but I'm catching up by sipping tiny extra unprescribed doses on top of my main methadone dose. Of course these have to reduce strictly day by day, else I'll have a double habit for life.
A friend gave me a 75 migrocram Fentanyl patch (which is prescribed for moderate to severe pain) and that has held me well enough that I can go on 30mg methadone alone without using anything at all on top.
The patch lasts 3 days and I'm currently on day 3. When that runs out I shall hopefully be able to survive on 30mg methadone alone. All I want is to get OFF these dreadful drugs. But I'm a drug addict, so I will cheat. That's the nature of the beast. I just wish I could get hypomanic again (hypomania means mild elation and excitement) because when I'm like that I'm vehemently against not only drugs but methadone and alcohol too. What am I saying: I'm against methadone no matter what mood I'm in. Methadone is druggie pigswill.
Anyway I hope you all have been keeping well and I shall report back on my successes next week XXXXXXXX
Illustrated: a fentanyl patch
4 comments:
It all sounds so complication and destructive Gleds. I wish you could get off everything. x
I know I just want to be on my 30mg reducing to nothing. I really wish I had not used enough heroin on top to confuse the issue. My antipsychotics didn't help, by inducing hot and cold flashes and sweats, which felt like withdrawal symptoms and encouraged me to use the heroin to start with!
All we ever read about is what drugs you are taking and what affect they are having on you. Is there nothing else of any worth in your life?!!
I wish that there was, as Akelamalu says, it sounds very self-destructive, and dare I say it, totally self-absorbed. It is not good, I wish you all the best in getting your self-medicating and then hopefully the rest of your life under control.
Thinking about you.
Kiwigirl
Perhaps you'd be better off if you got a JOB to keep you occupied instead of doing drugs and sleeping all day. Don't you have any pride? Pretty sad that you are ok living off the govt. at least my taxes aren't going to support you. And before you use the excuse of your mental problems I know plenty of people with your issues that work. You do manage to get out for your methadone and other drugs. What a sad, useless waste of life you lead.
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