HEROIN IS A DRUG TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY

THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HEROIN



Friday 24 May 2013

A Wonderful Day!

I FEEL BETTER TODAY... but only because I have "used" ~~ yet again. My feelings have been all over the place. And painfully so. On Monday afternoon I was wondering about crying. I'm doing a group therapy thing called Mentalization, which is really difficult to explain in a nutshell, but it's about not assuming what others think and mean but to ask them. That way, the world might be a More Understanding Place.

Anyway there's a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder (not Binky ~ she has it too) ~ who can talk coherently and cogently about her inner emotional incoherence. It seems she comes from a similar place I do. Where you cannot think, see, emote or feel from any fixed point but are so constantly in flux that you never know where you are (and others just assume they know where you are). I'm not at all sure I would ACTUALLY have Borderline Personality Disorder (which mostly affects females anyhow) but when I took the online personality disorders test (my biggest fascination in psychology is what makes us Individual and what makes us Different) I scored highest on "Schizotypal" (about 86%) and "Borderline" (about 82%). Each time. More than a year apart. ("Normal people" score about 35-40%) You can see my Personality Test result toward the bottom of my sidebar.

My GP has totally done my head in. Sitting there shuffling through a wodge of papers from the methadone clinic, he seemed to be saying, in effect, that I was just a scheming, manipulative junkie piece of shit who had probably just hoodwinked a shrink because both times he saw me, 3 weeks apart, I seemed "pretty OK". (First time my mood WAS as normal as it ever gets; second time I was definitely depressed and I'm NOT flattered when anyone, least of all a dr thinks that depressive person is somehow the "real" me. Come on! I think there's a bit more oomph and jizz to me than that!

My druggieworker, who says this GP "is a good doctor", doesn't want me to do it (which makes my paranoid side feel they're somehow in cahoots) but I'm writing this GP a letter. It's far FAR easier for me to explain the inexplicable in writing than by answering somebody else's questions which cast me adrift more than anything else!

But what really gets me is that that doctor, among all of them, is supposed to have a "special interest in mental health"! Well he doesn't seem too interested in me! Barely looked at me. Didn't seem to be listening either. What I got, was that he was trying to be a smart-arse, asking the same questions twice. If a person does try and catch someone like me out, who tends to get lost in a billion viewpoints from a trillion details at a quadrillion nanomoments then of course he's going to get different answers. Because I never feel the same way twice. And like I say, I cannot hold on to anything like a single, fixed position. Heroin really SEEMED to help sort out the chaos in my mind and emotions. But without it, I'm cast adrift. Even when I do take it these days, it doesn't seem to "help" the way it used to. (Yet another reason to stop... of course!)

On a much better note, we went shopping this afternoon and Binky was so lovely. She bought me new boots, new jeans, five new pairs of socks, two teeshirts and a new jacket! Jacket and jeans were second-hand. The rest were brand new. How kind of her is that! She wanted so say thank you for the way I looked after her when she was marooned in hospital...

OK it's getting late and I must dash. It's a bank holiday weekend so I hope you all have a good one, wherever you are in the world and even if you DON'T have a special Holiday Monday like we do! ("Bank holidays" are British public holidays.)

MOZART'S TRANCED-UP LACRIMOSA
This version is clearer


And this one (arguably) "funkier"...

5 comments:

eyelick said...

Oh Gledwood. Eye'm going to feel like a happy lil sun myself here soon (hopefully soon... ugh) Haha eye saw the picture and it's actually the first place m'eye brain went because while although a manic high is happeeeeeeeeeeee, it doesn't have the uh "warm & content" feel, more like wacko or gogogogogogogogo! Ah, scatterbrained, at least not pissed off or O Woe Is Me! Not completely anyway. Nothing like getting a hundred bucks to put a lil spring in your step. Anyway..........
Yes eye do suspect, wish eye didn't have this feel - but that you are like the mirror image of the future for me, like 10 years down or something.. Certainly have similar history, including the psychedelic usage - though while you were E and Shrooms and some K - eye was Acid and Dxm and K - did others but those were my main ones and with time was much more into the K and DXM - last therapist said she noticed a penchant for downers - wonder why... Ugh last time - the only since being hooked - eye did a full cold turkey, after one year on, after the sickness was over and then the exhaustion - eye could not bear my "natural state" anymore! balh balh bladadeeblah my folks are here sooooooo b'eye

eyelick said...

Oh and eye'e been reading old blogs lately. Re - weed being too hallucinogenic - mE TOO!!! But not in the fun way like shrooms in January, but more like tripping inside the head questioning who you are and your life. oh shit really gootta go

and eye am back. ha you wouldn't have known if eye hadn't said anything. our delivery driver was so nice and drove me to the store. well - his buddy that drives with him all day. eye told him how eye was all scatterbrained and random things eye thought - like that he'd left me, and thought he was someone else for a sec. he asked why and eye told him lack of drugs. why? uhhh bc eye can't function without, told him that he'll end up similar with meth but just won't get sick an he was like no no no no no don't say any more. HA it wasn't a lecture but they're pretty sensitive to any remarks regarding their meth use - they've been fucking around with it more and more and it's starting to show. Ugggghh eye wouldn't have needed change if the dealer hadn't decided to make the asshole move of now only selling in halves and grams. So many problems with that - but eye'm rambling. Heheeeeee even though eye have drugs in me eyem still rambling. weeeeee sorry eye'll stop now. YAY for your Eye. Eye've enjoyed finding and reading your old comments on Melody's these last few days. Talk to you later. :) :) :) Hope you have a nice sunny & warm content dayyyyyyyyyyy

Gledwood said...

You know what I think psychedelic drugs ~~ if it WAS drugs that did it ~~ permanently damaged by psyche. I mean it... I only had THREE mindblowingly powerful trips on acid but bloody hell does it blow the mind. Maybe I only took it 20 times in total... Mushrooms maybe 50 times. It's MUCH easier to regulate a dose of mushrooms than acid. Ecstasy... 50-100 times maybe? Ketamine 50-100 times. You see I never used anything THAT much... Oh I don't know. + drugs of this type I gave up partially in the EARLY 90s (LSD, apart from 2 weak trips towards the late 90s) and haven't touched at all since the very early 2000s.

Once I was on heroin any interest in actually taking psychedelics completely withered!

"Eye" hope UR OK :-)...

Eyelick said...

Wow you stopped with the raver drugs that early huh? Fuck only knows how many times eye've done them - there was a month where eye was on dxm and/or k every available time eye had - which was a lot since most of the month eye was off of work. Eye know that psychedelics can bring lingering psychosis to the surface or make what's already there worse. Eye totally get taking some drugs and it erases interest in others. While on meth eye hardly did anything else - drank a couple times, did E on a day eye had no tweek, did K once and that's it. Since being on heroin full time, eye've done acid twice (once was after a detox) and mushrooms once. Not that eye wouldn't mind doing other things sometimes, but ha why spend money on that when you can get more dope. Actually, the other day eye started thinking what would be the ideal detox situation? Well other than 5 days of a quick suboxone taper - 2-3 weeks worth of being blasted out of m'eye mind on Ketamine. Ha that's make me incapable of remembering the general detox misery. Were you one of those who just did a line or so of K? Eye wanted K hole EVERY time and so pretty much did that. Eye actually prefer dissociatives to hallucinogens - love the whole other world thing. Eye have many fond memories such as being at some intergalactic space hub and having chats with different aliens. Even the so called "bad trips" like being held in hell while being on trial for these kids who'd overdosed off drugs from me... eye'd take that any day. Hehe

Eyelick said...

Wow you stopped with the raver drugs that early huh? Fuck only knows how many times eye've done them - there was a month where eye was on dxm and/or k every available time eye had - which was a lot since most of the month eye was off of work. Eye know that psychedelics can bring lingering psychosis to the surface or make what's already there worse. Eye totally get taking some drugs and it erases interest in others. While on meth eye hardly did anything else - drank a couple times, did E on a day eye had no tweek, did K once and that's it. Since being on heroin full time, eye've done acid twice (once was after a detox) and mushrooms once. Not that eye wouldn't mind doing other things sometimes, but ha why spend money on that when you can get more dope. Actually, the other day eye started thinking what would be the ideal detox situation? Well other than 5 days of a quick suboxone taper - 2-3 weeks worth of being blasted out of m'eye mind on Ketamine. Ha that's make me incapable of remembering the general detox misery. Were you one of those who just did a line or so of K? Eye wanted K hole EVERY time and so pretty much did that. Eye actually prefer dissociatives to hallucinogens - love the whole other world thing. Eye have many fond memories such as being at some intergalactic space hub and having chats with different aliens. Even the so called "bad trips" like being held in hell while being on trial for these kids who'd overdosed off drugs from me... eye'd take that any day. Hehe