Non-shoplifting Spree...

DID YOU KNOW I get over 150 pageviews a day? On this blog? Even though I barely post anything anymore...! How very extraordinary.

Ukh guess what yesterday I had a shyte morning. I had to get up early, so that didn't exactly put me in a great mood. Then I ended up down the shops. I went into Tesco (the little convenience store type of Tesco), but didn't buy anything as they have a lousy range of ready meals plus their French sticks were way too crusty ~ more like dry stone walling material. I like my bread nice and doughy. So I didn't buy anything. Anyway I'm half way up the high street when there's this tap on my back and guess what ~ it's Security saying "can I look in your bag?"

I showed him the contents of my very empty-looking carrier: old Christmas cards, a chewed biro and a three-breasted pink bra. OK I'm making up the last thing. But it was EMPTY. I demanded DO YOU SELL THAT? Then yelled F OFF. And he stomped away.

I mean really. Aren't they supposed to actually see you taking something before they intervene. I had floated round that shop touching NOTHING ~ bar that overdone French stick and that was gigantic! I wasn't exactly hiding THAT down my trousers or I'd have looked very pleased to see him indeed.... So anyway. I do feel a bit guilty about swearing at a stranger. That's not my style at all.

THEN I went in Iceland (chavtastic supermarket) and the lady made a massive hoo-har about checking my £20 note "just in case". I pointed out (very nicely this time) that if it was indeed a fake it was the best I've ever seen with bang-on holograms and a perfect silver "line of value" which weaves in and out. That security line is said to be almost impossible to fake. But she accepted my dosh and I swanned off home. Still feeling a bit guilty about my foul-mouthed outburst. But the cheek of it! I hadn't been NEAR any of Tesco's goods except that giant French stick. I mean, who do these security think they are.

More to the point I think I really need to change my image. You know to look a bit less like a homeless down and out. Presumably that is what I did look like. Even though I was dressed head to toe in new clean clothes. (Without holes.) O I don't know...

I hope y'all are having a happy new year...

RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE KOMAKINO REMIX
Warning, it doesn't even begin to get going till after 1 min 20 through...