Marvellous Weight Loss!

DID I TELL YOU how severely I lost my appetite last week? So extremely that I could barely eat and drink 500 calories a day. I put off going near food for hours because the prospect of eating just made me feel sick. I never felt hungry, just nauseated. A feeling that made me want to touch food even less, even though I know from experience it means I "need to eat".

I LOST NEARLY 5KG IN A WEEK! That's 11 pounds. I'm so happy. It's worth any amount of nausea to lose that weight.

I desperately needed to lose that weight as I was just a few grams under ONE HUNDRED KILOS. That's 220lbs or FIFTEEN STONE SEVEN! Overweight women like to say that I don't look fat, which is true. My silhouette in clothes, even at this extravagant poundage, looks normal. But when I wear a wooly hat my face looks like the moon, which I don't like. As my house is freezing, so I wear a woolen hat all the time. I even sleep with it on.

Well the diet is going to pot. I consumed nearly 1500 calories in food and drink yesterday. 1500 is the most a person in my position should ever consume. All this crap about a man needing 2500 cals a day. Well yes, maybe, if he works as a hod-carrying bricklayer and wants to look tubby then yes 2500 is fine. But THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION SURVIVE PERFECTLY WELL ON CONSIDERABLY LESS THAN THE 2500/2000 Calorie a day recommendations of western health professionals!

I went to India in 2000 and saw their portion-sizes. Their main course is like a western starter. They don't eat puddings or sweets at all, with the possible exception of some fruits that aren't too expensive. (Most Indians are poor.) But more to the point, ALL Indians I saw were thin, with the single exception of the police, who everyone knows live on bribes, backhanders and money scammed from the people they are meant to protect.

5 kilos a week isn't bad. At this rate I can stop worrying about weight loss in another seven weeks. Though I can never go back to the diet I was on before. The ONLY diet that works long-term is a permanent, life-long change in diet. Anyone who believes they can go "on" a diet for a few weeks and then somehow sustain the weightloss achieved despite reverting to their previous lousy eating habits is sadly mistaken.

I'm hoping to go down to 10 stone/130 pounds ~ wish me luck!

PS my mood is down to "normal". Even though it felt perfectly normal before, I insist it is more "normal" now. I'm not pacing around laughing uncontrollably today... know what I mean?...

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PARROTLETS ~ MINIATURE BABY PARROTS...



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X-ray Day

I HAVE JUST COME BACK from the breast clinic. I walked all the way so I am exhausted. I had two x-rays taken of each side. They squeezed my nipples quite violently into a class contraption and then the woman ran away to hide behind a screen. I wasn't allowed in the women's waiting room, where I hoped I would pass as a lesbian. It didn't work. So I waited in a room with a couch and a screen until a nurse turned up informing me that a doctor had looked over my results and no ultrasound was necessary. Does this mean they know I'm so riddled with cancer I'll drop dead before another appointment is possible??~! I'm just kidding. Surely, surely this is a good sign..? But what on earth does it mean? And why wouldn't they tell me? I didn't even think of asking till I was halfway down the corridor and the nurse was gone. I doubted she knew much about my case anyway. I'm going to have to wait till my consultant appointment in June ...

I was really upset yesterday because I went to the laundrette and that stressed me out and tired me out. I felt so decrepit I nearly cried.

I could have slept at 6pm, but stayed up late. Next thing I knew it was past 1:30. I got into bed exhausted and didn't sleep for at least an hour. Then I woke up, freezing cold and dying for a cigarette at 6. Eventually I went back to sleep and got up at 10 . I was getting confusing racing thoughts all day and I think it was them that kept me awake.

Oh what a mundane day! I wrote out a really long post yesterday about how upset I was to be schizo. But that's going to take days to type in.

The Calorie-controlled diet is going well. I'm still at approximately 1500 Cals per day. Ironically I don't need to eat very much less than usual to achieve this, so I don't think this alone is going to make me thin. Exercise comes next. Now that might make a difference...? Problem is, I've never done any type of formal exercise programme in my life. The only sport I like is swimming. So I was thinking of forcing myself into three sessions of that per week. I was going to take it up last year, but laziness, shyness and body issues got in the way. I felt far too fat to wobble my near-naked portly frame in front of hoardes of strangers!

As far as I know, I've never gone over 220 lbs, 15 stone, 100kg. Currently I am around 14 stone, 200 lbs, 90kg. I haven't weighed myself since the diet began. That's partly because I judge myself not on what the scales say, but on how lithe I feel. My target weight is 11 stone, 154lbs, 70kg. I don't want to go below 10 stone, 140 lbs, 63kg.

I really wanted to see the chirpies in the birdery, but the old man seemed to have shut up shop and gone home. Wikipedia describes lovebirds as miniature parrots and that's why I want them . What better bargain can you get than mini parrots at less than £30 ($50) each?!??

Soon as I get a council flat (that means permanent public housing) I'm getting roborovskis, a massive furry American akita or lovebirds or all three!!

And last but not least: best pop performances of all time:

MICHAEL JACKSON: BILLIE JEAN, MOTOWN 25, 1983





MADONNA: "DANGEROUS LIAISONS" VOGUE, 1990 MTV AWARDS

 

Interestingly enough, both are lipsynched..!

Diet Tips Required

I GOT UP AT 2 O'CLOCK this morning. I know that's a bit early but I went to bed early too. It is a blue and white day ~ sun and clouds. My mood has gone down to normal. It must have gone up because dance music that sounded amazing a couple of days ago now sounds very average indeed. (Not to mention childish, a lot of it...)

I left for the chemist at 9am. Got there in menopausal sweats. I had to take refuge in the library. There was a man in here earlier, slumped over in an armchair, snoring heavily. He was sternly reprehended by two members of staff on two separate occasions. I made sure I got a front row seat for the second reprimand when he was ordered to leave under threat of the police.

Two hours have passed (I wrote this at 11:20). The methadone is working. The sweats have gone. My mind is about as crystal clear as it ever gets. I can focus on books, magazines, etc, once again.

By the way, I blame my mental condition on methadone. For years heroin flattened my mood and relieved depression; the second I dumped it in favour of methadone in late 2010 I was floridly manic and hearing voices! Whether or not the methadone actually causes these mood swings seems almost immaterial; the fact is there are other opiate substances that could be prescribed that can and will attenuate them. Frankly I consider that brain-dead drug clinic's continuing compulsion to prescribe methadone instead of something less harmful and less addictive, like morphine pills, nothing short of clinical negligence!

I was so exhausted, not to mention bored, in the early hours of the morning that I seriously considered popping a Seroquel. For all its other crimes, that stuff does zonk me out. In fact that was one of the problems of being on it; it left me feeling half-dead most of the time.

My main passions at the moment are to finish that dratted children's story that seems to be dragging on and on, and to think up a way of acquiring an keeping a whole flock of lovebirds (well, 4 would do, or even 2 or 1 ~ the man in the bird shop says you CAN keep a single lovebird, especially if you let it out to flutter all over the place and ride your shoulder ~ then it falls in love with YOU!)

Does anybody know of any good ways of losing weight? I'm right at the upper end of my ideal weight range (approx 200 lbs, 14 stone or very roughly 90 kilos) and feel like becoming stick-thin again.

I went all day yesterday on just one stick of garlick bread (+ 2 cans of cyder). I had the other garlic bread stick at 7am. Being as I barely ever do anything at all, my body should not NEED thousands of Calories. Which reminds, me, I must buy 2 litres of Morrisons' 55p lemonade...

I just read in a book titled The Diet Delusion that the overweight tend to consume a greater proportion of their energy in the form of carbohydrates than the thin. I pretty much live on pasta. Luciano Pavarotti attributed his own tubbiness to pasta. Cripes, I think I had better add smoked fish to that shopping list. Just the thought of fish makes me feel starving hungry. But I'm going to hold off eating it all day. When I was thin, I used to feel vaguely hungry all the time, and enjoy it. The feeling of power and control I got from habitually under-eating made all the hunger worthwhile. Plus I just got used to it. (Both eating less and feeling distantly hungry pretty much all the time.) I still weighed a good 9.5 stone (133 lbs/60kg) back then (in the late 90s) so I was hardly "anorexic". My point is, if you really want to get thin, I've found you must go on a perma-diet, consuming only savoury food and no sweets, and as little of that food as possible. And if you do feel pain, you must learn to enjoy it. If ANYONE has any diet tips and advice for getting and staying as thin as possible for as long as possible... PLEASE TELL!!

APOLLO: DANCE (DS MIX)
when I was in my "expansive" mood this got me as high as a kite... it's the ONLY music from that period ~ all of 2 days ago ~ that still sounds good to my ears now...