WHAT BLUSTER AND GUFF was I parping on about yesterday? Did I actually say that I thought my family were somehow pretending to be worried I was going to drop dead from a heroin overdose? How patently ridiculous can you get?
I think what I would actually have meant was they were using the saying "you might kill yourself!" more as a turn of phrase than a literal truth.
But even that is ridiculously self-absorbed and narcissistic. In the phrase of my old psychodynamic counsellor I would be "denying their reality". Of course they were worried about me. Worried sick. Just when they should have been coasting comfortably towards retirement I brought a dark shadow into their lives. For all they knew, whenever I failed to call for a couple of weeks or more I could have been lying dead on a pile of rotting mattresses, cockroaches scuttling in and out of my open mouth, in a rat-infested, rain-drenched squat somewhere. I can't believe I could be so self-centred ever to imply I didn't think they weren't worried to death about me. [That was never what I thought. Sometimes I genuinely don't know what I believe. I mean, I know I think a lot of things, but I don't know what to believe... I HAVE KNOWN ~ for a long time ~ that I was never going to die of an accidental drug overdose. Not ever. But who else can "know" that too... you know?...?
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I hope he doesn't think I'm "high" today because this is my second day HEROIN-CLEAN. I took 1.5x my script. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to live on my scripted methadone dose alone so wish me luck with that~!!
I know I probably do seem a bit high to the outside world but really I'm fine... I was up most of last night but really was too hyperactive to sleep. Eventually, just by staying still, I did manage to chill enough to slip into unconsciousness but it took hours and hours and hours to really feel like I'd achieved "proper" sleep and even then I was waking up at least twice an hour. So I slept from maybe 6am to approx 1 or 2pm. Which sounds good ~~ 8 hours. But it must certainly wasn't eight hours solid. It's only because I know enough about "insomnia" to recognize that time spent lying down relaxed with your eyes closed when time passes easily probably are periods of sleep. Just not amazingly good sleep... That I accept I got very much sleep at all... So I wasn't in a particularly good mood this afternoon and didn't want to go out. But Binky, very kindly, bought me a brand new pair of trainers (those are sneakers to you Americans) and she wanted to ceremonially give them to me. My mentalization group was cancelled anyhow (teacher sick) so after collecting my 30mg of highly addictive gloop I tubed it down to Bink's. Spent ages hovering on the doorstep only to be reprimanded by an African nurse who didn't even open the door. And yet she was insisting that Binky had just departed the premises.
Eventually Binky heard my desperate doorstep wailings. Blew her top and severely reprehended the dredlocked Ghanaian nurse. Because she's got Borderline Personality Disorder it took Binks a good half hour to calm herself down from all the Reprehending. I, on the other hand, was trying not to cackle too much! Then she ceremonially presented me with the Trainers. Dark Grey. Brand New. "Boxfresh" (as the kids say nowadays). Luuurverlyjubbelly! Binky commanded me to wear my brand new boots in temparate and cold weathers and the trainers in hot and I ceremonially agreed.
I was going to write something about how I felt. Why is that..? O yeah because of my "mood diary". Hypomanic blips all over the place. I'm really hoping for a good spell of Elevated Mood as that could hopefully mean that I manage to kick that nasty Killer Drug Heroin FOR GOOD ~~ how brilliant would that be??~?~!~?~~~
Well that's about all for today. Public toilets. Lavatories> pillories and stocks
Above: a neat and tidy pillory. This is NOT the stocks. A person sentenced to the stocks had the luxury of sitting down and his or her hands were ordinarily free, allowing some measure of self-defence; a pilloried person, on the other hand was forced to stand like this, head and hands locked into a wooden fram, a picture of helplessness. The pillory was for far more serious crimes (eg fraud, perjury, sedition, homosexuality) than the stocks (petty theft, drunkenness, etc). Baying crowds turned out in vast numbers to torment the unfortunate criminals sentenced to this form of torture. People sentenced to stand one hour in the pillory were frequently maimed or even killed.
Housebreakers, muggers, child-abusers and retailers of low-quality or adulterated heroin should be pilloried and pelted with horse-shit like this ...
PS can I point out that I heavily disapprove of pillories and torture...
But sometimes I do think that for the abovementioned crimes ~ especially housebreaking and child abuse, maybe the pillory should be brought back. The only style of unBritish justice I could possibly approve of would be Singapore-style caning on the bare backside (how demeaning for a grown man to be beaten on the bum like that ~ and it's supposed to be agony). Only if they did bring it to Britain it must be for BOTH sexes... and the stocks and the pillory. Otherwise I'm totally anti-torture. I'm pro-death penalty, however. I believe that for many human beings in many cases the death sentence would be kinder than life imprisonment...
Yes I KNOW how funny my writings on such matters must probably sound. I can frequently reduce entire room fulls of people in group therapy sessions to gurgling, side-splitting roaring cackles of laughter and that's by telling the TRUTH of what I really think!
Ho Hum!!
5 comments:
I'm glad that you ran into the NA guy. If he is one who has remained clean, I'm sure that he can help you and perhaps be a temporary sponsor.
If you're allowed a sponsor while you're still on nasty methadone then I'll get one. I don't think you CAN join NA on methadone... Worse luck...
Your pictures are making me feel what i imagine it is like to be high!
Come on, gledwood, stick with it. You can do it, you know you can.
I think I was "high" when I posted that. I must have been... as you say, the pictures tell all (1000 words an' all that...)
Was it drugs? More like "bipolar"- type stuff... (I think... well I'm pretty sure...)...
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