Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Depressing Red Bucket Affair

COUNSELLING: IS IT A GOOD THING? As regular readers might know, I'm currently undergoing group therapy towards an end known as "Mentalization". (Aka MBT.) But mentalization involves not just jumping to conclusions regarding the thoughts, feelings or motivations of others and "mentalizing" ~ ie thinking them over and, in many cases asking. Eg: "What is it you meant when you said that? Could you explain?"

Well I'm starting to think that if NOT FEELING is my coping mechanism, and if THINKING TOO MUCH is a personal fault in many people, not just me, then undergoing this group is going to achieve nothing except a persistent erosion of my mental health. I mean: are they actually TRYING to send me nuts? It's a question worth asking. I've been wondering just WHO I can trust in the world. Friend. Family. Anyone. It makes me really sad to think this way and maybe I am extraordinarily narcissistic and self-centred but I do feel certain people out there ~ namely doctorly-type people and employees of drug clinics are DELIBERATELY trying to do my head in. All saying different things that I cannot thrash my way out of.

Eg my druggieworker keeps saying she's worried about me and that if I'm not careful I'm going to have another mental breakdown. And she says I should see a psychiatrist again. I'm much more straight and open with her than I would ever be with a GP. But my (new) GP who has only seen me twice, says he thinks I'm totally OK. I didn't feel at all OK when I last saw him. I was very upset that day. Binky says I should "bring my feelings into the room". But how can I possibly do that? If you go around appearing as OK as possible (like any normal person who isn't a teenage girl with emotional problems would) then suddenly act out in a dr's room isn't that self-indulgence bordering on fakery? She also said that in answer to his question what could a psychiatrist do for me (which I took to mean I was beyond help. Because I don't actually believe he thinks there's "nothing wrong" I think he wants me to think that's what he thinks (mind games again) ~~ in answer to his question I was meant to say "to get a proper diagnosis and the right medication". Well I don't want yet ANOTHER diagnosis, which, knowing my luck would be added on top of and not replace the existing one. And as for even more pills. No I don't want MORE. I'd rather be off everything!. The absolute last thing I want is something that's going to completely block any "high" moods and "higher" states of consciousness. Obviously I want to be ("bipolar") high all the time. I just don't want to lose my mind as well. If I could break the light barrier again I'm hoping I will never ever ever come down. I'm talking about mind and body sublimating to a Higher Level. But I obviously DID come down. I just can't believe that I had to... Why does life have to be SO SHIT~~??

You see the great thing about blogs. Because nobody supposedly knows who I really am I can speak what I actually think and mean. No way in hell would I say something like the above to a friend, let alone any doctorly person.

I told Binky some weird ideas I had had when I did have a mad episode and she laughed until it looked like her sides were going to split. She said (hopefully jokingly, as nothing involved potential harm to self or others) that if I ever told a dr anything like that I'd get sectioned and never come out again. (To those on foreign shores: a "section" means involuntary commitment and it's REALLY HARD to overturn a British sectioning under the mental health act.)

I NEARLY had a "nervous breakdown" just now over picking a bucket to wash my clothes in. I'm still feeling ridiculously depressed. (Ridiculous, considering it's JUST A PLASTIC BUCKET~!!) I DID used to own a bucket, but it got filled with paint after I took dodgy heroin some time ago and kicked dregs of a can of paint over in my hallway. I need this new bucket to wash my clothes in, because it's cheaper than going to the launderette. But the launderette costs £4, whereas this bucket was £3. For £2 they had a round black bucket, but that one doesn't have mop-squeezy-out attachment. Then I looked at this bucket after purchase and it does look RIDICULOUSLY TINY. I don't know how many clothes I'm going to be able to wash at a time, but not many.

Well it's been raining most of today. It matches my mood. All weekend through Monday we had spectacular weather but I stayed in to avoid it. I really wasn't in the mood. Then one night, completely at random, I did start feeling "high" and couldn't sleep at all. But I made up for it by sleeping most of the day yesterday. Plus 2:30-6:30am. Then methadone (eventually) sent me off from 8:30 to about 11:30.

My life is so depressing. I know nobody wants to hear this. I just don't know how to get out of it all. Giving up drugs is very much JUST a first step and it never really helped that much in the past. It wasn't as if I stuck to methadone and was miraculously OK. Oh but the drugs clinic NOW say if you have other issues or health problems, methadone isn't even supposed to help with those (even though heroin does ~ it makes just about any affliction of mind or body feel better). This OF COURSE SUITS THEIR AGENDA. Which is all about deception and lies. They can't handle it when I tell the truth unvarnished. Now they don't just WANT to, they NEED to believe I'm nutty because otherwise time has shown them out to be LIARS. Ie "if you stop crack you won't be paranoid any more" (I've been way more paranoid months and years after stopping it than I was on it). And "alcohol is a depressant so that's what is making you depressed. If you stop drinking you'll feel better". Well lots of ANTI-depressants are also CNS depressants (eg dosulepin (Prothiadine), mirtazapine (Remeron)) and I certainly did NOT feel better after kicking alcohol. I've felt just as bad, if not worse off it than on it. I could go on but this is the gist of their lies. Of course they want to conveniently forget the times eg that a floating duty worker snapped at me that if I stopped heroin I would "feel much better". (In what time-frame? I was certainly NOT OK before I got addicted to heroin age 28. And I don't think I'm that unusual. There are LOTS of people using methadone clinics who feel permanently run-down (as a symptom of hep C as much as anything else, suffer from constant or recurrent depression. And have terrible presents eg involving imprisonment or the threat of it, and children in care (often both). Plus horrendous pasts (very often involving sexual abuse) they still want to escape from. I think, compared to people like that, and there are a LOT of them out there, I've got it easy.

I don't think I had any period of adult life, and probably not teenage years either when I was "OK". Growing up I had almost zero self-esteem or self-confidence. And almost no "social skills" either. And I do mean almost NONE. Everybody, friends included, thought I was a "weirdo". I was prone to depression but wouldn't characterize myself as depressed all the time. I managed to catch what was then called CFS or ME and is now known as CFIDS. I was not "on drugs" when I came down with that particular condition in late 1995. In fact I became intolerant to alcohol and wasn't well enough to dance all night at raves (only types of drugtaking I was interested in back then). I never knowingly tried heroin until 1997, although I may have taken it once in 1993 ~ I don't know for a fact that actually was heroin (not knowing what to do I snorted and ate the greyish powder that looked like it had bits of demerara sugar in it). Whereas the 1997 stuff looked like heroin, melted on to silver foil just like it, smelt like it and had the effects generally ascribed to heroin so I'm pretty sure that stuff WAS it.

O am I ranting again..? I don't know. I have to go. 

I've given up on Spanish and am now learning Italian. Very very very very VERY slowly!!

(Molto molto molto molto MOLTO lentamente.)

BTW: I've just found out MBT (the therapy I'm doing) is for BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. I keep wondering whether I've got that and now they've somehow got me into therapy for it without even telling me!!!  (They just told me they thought it might be good that I did it.) 

Yesterday Naomi, the Dual Diagnosis lady, called offering me a place in a drama therapy group she's doing. So hopefully I shall be doing both. Surely you can't have "too much therapy"...? CAN YOU~??!?



Eyelick said...

For once listened to the music you posted up, eye almost never listen to or watch anything anyone puts up bc eye'm an ass like that. Takes me back, so nostalgic why oh why didn't eye get to have the Vegas life eye planned - like my previous city without the drama of attachments. Oh boo hoo it's not like eye hate my life and eye got over "the death of my identity" years ago. Clinic politics sounds like bullshit. Eye remember m'eye first experience with washing clothes - it was m'eye work uniform in the sink, then hung out to dry over the balcony. Had to call mom the day eye went down to the laundry room - eye was at a loss! Haha and still didn't learn the importance of separating colors til years later, guess eye didn't ask enough questions huh? Oh yes, some posts ago you mentioned thinking suicide is how you most likely think you'll die? Me too.... eye forgot all about that til m'eye last bout with depression over the winter, eye had it planned out and thought things like, "Well, mom was always going on about the unfairness of dying after your child and how she fears/feels it will be the case with me, and she's right and don't give a shit about proving anyone wrong." She's not the only one who thought such things and considering m'eye history (the mental issues not the drugs) it really is highly likely. Spent more time as a bulimic - or maybe purging anorexic than pure anorexic, and it's been said that those type of people are more impulsive with such things... And while sure eye've had those long, eternal darkness periods where suicide is a general idea, more times being "about to", suicide notes and dumb attempts HAVE been more of a spur of the moment reaction. Eye'm not sad about it and don't want to change. Eye know the cycles eye've chased around and round for years (til dope) and truly believe that when eye stop, an eating disorder will be m'eye first stop. Some people say wellllll if you know about it, why don't you do something to change it? well, eye feel it's all a part of me and eye accept me and don't want to do a damn thing about it. Ughh eye sound like such a sad sack or some crap when really it's all like "facts of life"... fukked4life, that is the "gang" of me and some friends. It means no matter what, your life will always be fucked in some way, and if not, it will be soon, so may as well accept it and learn to love it! And eye sure have.

Eyelick said...

Oh yes and one friend said, "you don't really love yourself, you amuse yourself." Well, there's nothing eye love more than to be amused (well other than random things like kitties and eyes) so plllbbt! That's the most love ever.

Gledwood said...

From my experience, suicide usually has a relatively brief window (maybe lasting minutes) and if you do it then you'll be successful. If you don't, you'll change your mind...

My nasty new GP tricked me into admitting I was suicidal last week (well that's how it felt). He asked did I want to do it and I said "what? Right at this minute?" and he said "yes" and I said no. Then he asked me again and straight off without a beat or a pause I said YES ~ which makes it sound like I'm being truthful. (I think he wants me to think he thinks I'm lying. He really seemed to be deliberately doing my head in.) Then I went on to say I reckoned my biggest chance of death was by suicide. When I'm already depressed, I reckon it's about 85%. At best I think it's about 50%.

You had eating disorders too...? I'm terrified of getting diagnosed with something else. These are the candidates:
Schizotypal and borderline personality disorders
Aspergers syndrome
Compulsive hoarding
Social phobia

Unfortunately or fortunately, because officially I've got schizophrenia as well as bipolar, schizophrenia appears to cover just about any psychiatric symptom it is possible to have (at least that's the impression of schizophrenia I got when I read up on it in my youth)... so if they believe I'm schiz, surely multiple diagnoses are not necessary..? I think they sound TERRIBLE... know what I mean...? On top of drug addiction and "psychological addiction to alcohol" I don't want or NEED any other horrible labels. Which, knowing my luck, will only get CHANGED in times future...you know..?? ;-/ :-)