I only feel human today because I went and took heroin this morning. Before then I was frozen... as Madonna would say, my heart was not open. Or as I would say, I was drifting downwards towards worthlessness. I've had enough moods of such extremity to be able to say that mood and value (plus personal self-esteem) are inextricably linked. And I've been falling from over-valued to valueless. Sorry to put it that way but it's true.
I hope y'all are feeling better than I do. And I hope you don't need to take an illegal class A drug in order to just feel "normal". Methadone doesn't make me feel "normal". If flat, depressed, hollow, empty, meaningless and worthless count as normal then yes I've been feeling very normal indeed.
I think that's the first thing you learn at NA: that the world is not out to help you in your quest to perpetuate your drug addiction, and that as a recovering addict the biggest key to success is to negotiate life on life's terms... ha! If only I could put my money where my mouth is, instead of pumping it straight into my veins... things might be so different... See, I say this, but I don't really mean it. Life without heroin has only ever been worthless ~ or if not, blank, or psychotic, or hypomanic, or hyper-manic. All of the above.
Right I have to go; I'm running out of time. Have a tolerable weekend and Take care, all of you...
MADONNA: FROZEN
20 comments:
I can realate to your saying "I do wake up in the morning wondering why on earth I should go on. Questioning why I should get out of bed.
We get up and spend the day as we want to.
Im very depressed to and have been having like Why was I ever born in the first place thoughts.
If I am serious in this I will seek a psychiatrist.Im not there yet but have been having severe depression.
I found a joint in the hallway and left it here.I like my alcohol.
Dont you think you & Bugerluvs and I can all be happy one day.
I dont have many real friends and I think you & bugerluvs and me can all count on each other through tough time.
Your special & kind and know how to relate to other ppl.Corona kissesXoXo
I mean to say you both are special.You and Bugerluvs and I fee a bond fr you both.
You can try antidepressants. They usually worked well enough for me to completely eradicate depression. Only problem I had was I'm too bipolar so the last 2 or 3 times on mirtazapine I didn't just get anti-depressed I got hypomanic and high which is NOT what they're supposed to do.
I hope I do know how to relate to other people. In years gone by I was TERRIBLE at it!!!
You have such a good mind and yet your life is wasted because of heroin. What about volunteering for something? Doing anything but staying in your place and shooting up would be a huge improvement. Have you seen the series the Corner? It came out years ago but is available on DVD. It is worth seeing because it is about drug addicts in Baltimore. Very real.
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SYD: to do volunteering I have to bother to have a shower, which I'm only doing x2 a week at the moment. Mostly because it's so ridiculously COLD at mine and I will not use gas central heating with 1/4erly bills... Most days it takes about four hours to actually get out of bed. I don't have to get dressed as I sleep fully clothed in coat and hat (it's so cold). I would like to do volunteering again. I got some of the best work experience of my life doing voluntary work at a TV station. That's the sort of thing I'd like to do again...
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sorry, Syd, I was in a bit of a negative mood when I wrote that comment... I'm going to try and battle through the bad feeling I'm now getting (depression) on methadone and see how it goes... I don't feel hopeful, but that is another symptom of the illness...
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