Divorce from the Self

HELLO it is a hot sticky Saturday afternoon I'm not in the mood to post anything but I'm here so why not. Oh my computer that I use every day STILL doesn't offer me internet access. If you're wondering why haven't I had it repaired it's because I've been too busy using Microsoft Word to hand it in to some repair person for two weeks. Also I don't want its memory to be wiped. I NEED Word on that machine. I've got a horrible feeling that absolutely every program on that thing is going to have to be deinstalled. Every single one. Wow, that's going to be fun. Because the antivirus or antispam thing is blocking internet access... blah blah it's a long story.

I don't know why but I found myself thinking about my past and feeling very kind of ... what's the word ... I dunno. Sorry for myself? Disgusted? Lost? Indulgent? Who knows?? Well that's the thing you see, I think my biggest problem in life has been that I'm separate and divorced from myself. This makes me incredibly "objective" and excellent at second-guessing myself. But terrible at actually knowing how I feel. Lousy at living a joined-up existence. And very bad indeed at being one person instead of a collection of perceptions scattered all over the place.

I think that's why I turned to drugs. (Correction: DRUG singular ~~ h
eroin.) It made me feel whole and I have never been that. When I went mad a few years ago I was hearing voices every day and the voices are a kind of separation from self. When I was really insane it was impossible to tell whether I was thinking, hearing or imagining somebody else's dream. Nowadays I only hear voices when I'm really tired (I'm not talking about a dream ~~ I mean I'm awake when I hear them, but maybe you could call it a waking dream.) I sometimes see things... but none of that bothers me. Depression bothers me sometimes. Insecurity used to bother me a LOT. But I'm still to this day separate from myself... so how am I ever going to find out WHO I AM???

I'm sorry to everyone I haven't been in touch with but after this I really have to run; I'm too scared of staying online. Don't you feel like you're being spied on? Or that the internet is sucking your life away? I think one day we'll all be washing dishes and get sucked down a digital plug hole swirling with the babbling memories of times past and then we'll get swooshed away into the communal sewers of 21st Century Blues and wonder where the hell our lives went. Know what I mean?

Shrinking in the Night

I WAS GRIPPED by an attack of terrifying illness last night. Basically I hadn't been drinking and I wasn't high ~ well, I was no higher than usual ~ and yes I had taken heroin a couple of hours before... But suddenly I came over all nauseous and dizzy and when I closed my eyes my body was shinking, so I took to biting my thumb nail and yet my thumb was huge and I felt completely unreal. So I went to look in the bathroom mirror and I was pale and fabulous. I looked so much better than normal ~ so maybe I was hallucinating~? Then I had to take a bucket to bed just in case I puked.

I lay in bed, trying to enjoy feeling ill (well I did used to enjoy being sick as a kid, ya know ~ so I could skip school and everything), but it was an uphill battle. I'm just too old to revel in sickness. And yet Anna Grace calls me a complete hypochondriac!

Because I hadn't slept on Monday and wasn't inclined to sleep last night, I woke up incredibly late. After about one thirty. It was most inconvenient. And I kept thinking about that vulgar name I had thought up for my club night and I felt really guilty and contrite for being so vulgar and crass. But can I say in mitigation that the names were the product of an extended brainstorming session and obviously most of what you brainstorm will fall flat. I think the best one I came up with was Hillary Pillory, but I probably couldn't use that, because people would think I was taking about ecstasy pills...

Here's what I said to Beverly on the subject:


I just read that again and thought you were talking about an old friend named Sandra. Who was coming visiting! Man I can be so slow at times!

I mean, I read it the first time and fully understood, I read it a second and I'm up a gum tree! What is wrong with me?!

This is my 2nd attempt at commenting because I left half a sentence out and the old comment was just crap. Ha!

Can you think up a good name for my nightclub? I posted up a rude one on my blog and probably everybody will hate me because of it. Maybe "Slutbox" would be better... what am I saying I hate names of bands etc with sordid sexual references you know like Courtney Love's "Hole" it's just so trashy and amoral and tasteless. I need to think up something fabulous and was joking about "Gnome Brigade" and "Itchy Swine" but what CAN I call it???

It's always been an ambition of mine to have my own club night. Also I want to release a record, appear in a French film (it must be a speaking part)... and do loads of other things nobody would really believe of me...

I wonder what it was that happened to me last night? I felt kind of mentally and physically ill at the same time. And why do these things happen to me? I mean, it's happened to me a few times this year: my physical, mental and energy bodies become misaligned and distorted in space... what is that? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

When this happens and you're half asleep it's called hypnogogia ~ but it happens to me when I'm wide awake. Is that why the doctors call me schizo?

Oh by the way, don't worry about my shrinking. My clothes still fit, so I can't be that much smaller than before...

*******


THIS IS A SPECIAL VIDEO FOR ANNA GRACE
who is having doggie troubles, because she thinks her Porkshire has cancer and is dying and I can't think up a single nice or friendly or reassuring thing to say to her

The short film tells the story of Hachkō, the most faithful dog of all time, whose owner died and yet he turned up at the railway station every evening for ten years, waiting waiting waiting for him to come back... and eventually they meet up in Japanese paradise or the Buddha Fields to remain together for all time...