A Scattering of Thoughts after 8 Hours' Sleep ~~WOW!!!

I SLEPT EIGHT HOURS (at last (wow!)) and awoke at the distinctly inconvenient time of 2am. My appetite has disappeared almost completely, which is why I had such problems with a bowl of multigrain tagliatelle with mushroom sauce at binky's yesterday. Half of which I had to take home in a bizarre tupperware contraption after I couldn't manage it.

Also, I don't know whether I'm being paranoid but I can't trust, interpret, analyse, quantify or comprehend to any meaningful extent Binky's mystic smoking cauldron of emotions. (And Binky has Borderline Personality Disorder so she's nothing if not capricious.) ~That's why I'm bemused.

And that fake, bubbly mental health assistant who was on duty there yesterday. I didn't like her attitude at all. Yes she was "friendly" but I sensed something judgemental or condescending behind those watching eyes. I telephoned Binky on this point but she says I'm wrong. But the other worker, who's more Central European (Hungarian), intelligent and reserved who I do like B doesn't seem to care for at all.

BLOODY HELL if I'm meant to be a bit elevated what on earth does this say about our God-forsaken world because, in actuality, I FEEL absolutely and undilutedly affectively NORMAL so if my "normal" is the world's "hypomanic" what does that say abuot the unremittingly drab, grey, crushingly colourless existences of the overwhelming vast majority of the population who never experience persistently elevated, expansive clinically hypomanic moods at all? How can anyone possibly cope with an existence so joyless and meaningless, so spiritually down-at-heel? Yet when you finally feel OK, you're "bipolar"!

OH BUGERLUGS, Beverly's computer's on the blink and wouldn't it be wonderful if you could drop everything and fly your brood plus a few spare roborovskis and a new and improved computer to California? (We can set up a collection for the money. Or just resort to shoplifting: after all we ARE junkies!)

OH GO ON!

OK I've got to go. Anyone with a spare chirpy baby parrot out there PLEASE GET IN TOUCH I want a cute and glebbelly conure to sit on my shoulder. Beverlybabe knows someone with a sun conure and it's extraordinarily cute. Like an un-loving lovebird (but he adores his owner).

 Here's a picture.

OK OK I'm off .

PS Righty-ho I can't remember quite why I felt any need to do this but I checked the DSMIV criteria for a (hypo-)manic episode. To be "hypomanic" I need an elevated/etc mood plus three out of seven symptoms from a list and I score four or five if I'm distractable. I suppose I do kind of keep getting distractable. Why do I need to put this? O yeah it's something to do with justifying my point BLOODY HELL IF THIS IS MENTALLY ILL am I just a complete miseryguts or is there something wrong with the world. Because I feel pretty normal, despite fulfilling these lovely criteria. THE WORLD'S GONE MAD. There, I said it. What am I saying? THE WORLD WENT MAD GENERATIONS AGO..!

Blah blah blah that paragraph is terribly written.

BUGERLUGS ~~ PPS: THE ANIMATED ROBOROVSKI UP TOP IS FOR YOU!!

MUSIC: HARD TRANCE

Doesn't get any good till 1 min 30 in...

PPPS 2:55pm oh bloody hell I really DO feel "normal" ... what is happening to me?????????????

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Real Housewives of Backwards American Healthcare Reprimand

IT'S SO LATE... Real Housewives of Washington DC's about to come on on ITV2+1 and I can't miss it. I really like the braying, posh English gal, Cat, who everyone else thinks is rude, eg because she goes to a wine-pressing session, decides she is bored and instead of being all pathetic, American Washingtonian and full of smiling BULLSHIT, she just says how she finds it and GOES HOME ~ like a normal British person would!

Also I really loved it when she laid into that airheaded Republican blogger about America's frankly primaeval healthcare system ~ saying how uncivilized she found it. And quite right, too! Apart from Guantanamo Bay, what makes me really not respect America is their exclusive, expensive, elitist healthcare system... so bad that people like Anna Grace say they're considering declaring Health Debt Bankruptcy!

I slept a good 12 hours last night and have had just ONE cup of tea and yet here I am all excited about today... though what's to be excited about except Real Housewives ..? ... I have no idea it is SO FREEZING COLD you can literally snap the air like an icicle out there. And I've had to top up the (pay as you go) electricity AGAIN.

Do they have pay-as-you-go electricity in America? BeverlyBabe, please answer me on this point. Also any horror stories about the backwards American health system that flatter my perspective would be much appreciated too XxxXxxX

I LOVE THIS TUNE

CYGNUS X: CLOCKWORK ORANGE THEME



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Shrinking in the Night

I WAS GRIPPED by an attack of terrifying illness last night. Basically I hadn't been drinking and I wasn't high ~ well, I was no higher than usual ~ and yes I had taken heroin a couple of hours before... But suddenly I came over all nauseous and dizzy and when I closed my eyes my body was shinking, so I took to biting my thumb nail and yet my thumb was huge and I felt completely unreal. So I went to look in the bathroom mirror and I was pale and fabulous. I looked so much better than normal ~ so maybe I was hallucinating~? Then I had to take a bucket to bed just in case I puked.

I lay in bed, trying to enjoy feeling ill (well I did used to enjoy being sick as a kid, ya know ~ so I could skip school and everything), but it was an uphill battle. I'm just too old to revel in sickness. And yet Anna Grace calls me a complete hypochondriac!

Because I hadn't slept on Monday and wasn't inclined to sleep last night, I woke up incredibly late. After about one thirty. It was most inconvenient. And I kept thinking about that vulgar name I had thought up for my club night and I felt really guilty and contrite for being so vulgar and crass. But can I say in mitigation that the names were the product of an extended brainstorming session and obviously most of what you brainstorm will fall flat. I think the best one I came up with was Hillary Pillory, but I probably couldn't use that, because people would think I was taking about ecstasy pills...

Here's what I said to Beverly on the subject:


I just read that again and thought you were talking about an old friend named Sandra. Who was coming visiting! Man I can be so slow at times!

I mean, I read it the first time and fully understood, I read it a second and I'm up a gum tree! What is wrong with me?!

This is my 2nd attempt at commenting because I left half a sentence out and the old comment was just crap. Ha!

Can you think up a good name for my nightclub? I posted up a rude one on my blog and probably everybody will hate me because of it. Maybe "Slutbox" would be better... what am I saying I hate names of bands etc with sordid sexual references you know like Courtney Love's "Hole" it's just so trashy and amoral and tasteless. I need to think up something fabulous and was joking about "Gnome Brigade" and "Itchy Swine" but what CAN I call it???

It's always been an ambition of mine to have my own club night. Also I want to release a record, appear in a French film (it must be a speaking part)... and do loads of other things nobody would really believe of me...

I wonder what it was that happened to me last night? I felt kind of mentally and physically ill at the same time. And why do these things happen to me? I mean, it's happened to me a few times this year: my physical, mental and energy bodies become misaligned and distorted in space... what is that? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

When this happens and you're half asleep it's called hypnogogia ~ but it happens to me when I'm wide awake. Is that why the doctors call me schizo?

Oh by the way, don't worry about my shrinking. My clothes still fit, so I can't be that much smaller than before...

*******


THIS IS A SPECIAL VIDEO FOR ANNA GRACE
who is having doggie troubles, because she thinks her Porkshire has cancer and is dying and I can't think up a single nice or friendly or reassuring thing to say to her

The short film tells the story of Hachkō, the most faithful dog of all time, whose owner died and yet he turned up at the railway station every evening for ten years, waiting waiting waiting for him to come back... and eventually they meet up in Japanese paradise or the Buddha Fields to remain together for all time...

I Don't Miss Drinking

I GAVE UP DRINKING about a month ago and I don't miss it at all. Of course I've had the odd can here or there to test my resolve... or, more to the point, see whether I still liked it, because I wouldn't give up alcohol for the sake of it. If you really like it, keep on doing it! is my motto.

So Gledwood doesn't like booze. How weird is that?

Here's the details I told BeverlyBabe:

 

 

 

bugerlugs63 said...

I'm so glad your day wasn't wasted Bev. I wished I could've stayed in bed today . . . But I had no choice. I keep starting to write a post and giving up as I'm not doing much good at the minute. Apart from bringing the kids up, I just keep using and I'm fed up of myself for it . . . But obviously not fed up enough. I hope something changes soon . . .
Anyway, It's good that you didn't have to spend today hungover, and ex-hubby looks happy. Take care, much love sent to you x x x

October 21, 2012 3:55 PM

Oh cripes! That's the wrong comment... here's me:~~~~~~~

Gledwood said...

I was fantasizing sexually about you last night when I suddenly had this big urge to ask detailed questions about your drinking habits eg do you drink every day? Would you call yourself a drinker, a drunk or an alcoholic? Are you one of those people who once you start cannot stop until you pass out? Have you ever been arrested for being drunk? Have you ever assaulted anyone or caused massive damage to property?

I used to call myself an aklie but never was one of those people who started but couldn't stop. I'd have the equivalent of a quadrouple vodka then drink fairly sedately from then on. Biggest I drunk on a daily basis averaged out at just over one full bottle of spirits and I could barely remember anything I'd done ~ real nice blackouts!

Love and Hot Chili Kisses

XXXXXXX

October 26, 2012 4:52 AM

Gledwood said...

O yeah I 4got 2 say the questions were meant to be an idea for a post. Ya know when you've got nothing else to say just crap on about your drinking!!

Seriously though I have deep need of these answers.

Cheers!

October 26, 2012 5:08 AM

[Ignore the racy "references"; Beverly and I have an ongoing flirtation.]

I really hope Bev writes me some top grade alcohol-porn. You know, beaded bubbles 
winking at the brim and all that...

Satellite Television, Anna Grace, BeverlyBabe and "Cycling"...

THE SATELLITE shop down the road have just reconnected me for the cost of £40. The dish was already on my wall and the Freesat box plumbed into my television: what was missing was a few yards of coax lined up from A to B with "F-Connectors"

(and that's about all I know of the issue ~ I did invest in F-Connectors, pliers and a wrench some weeks ago, and I tried to line up a satellite signal where the cable guy had bodged it up, unscrewing two lines, adding a double connector where none existed previously (I think it was a double female lead ~ ooo Bev, that's like Lesbian Passion between you and Anna Grace!) ~ well, whatever. It never worked.

I have been in a funny mood since I don't remember when. But an Official Funny Mood since a doctor's appointment at an unearthly pre-9am hour Wednesday.

From days on end without sleep I have switched back to sleeping right round the clock, and thinking how to suicide without upsetting anyone. NB I did not just say I wanted to kill myself. All I said was I had tried to figure out how to do it without upsetting anyone. Two separate and entirely different issues.

I must have been at least slightly hypomanic when I last posted ~ all those Lucky Stars! ~ and didn't Madonna look as luscious as a newly plucked grape in that video. And my New Doctor looks luscious as a newly ripened Nectarine. Considering she's sacrificed her bet years to being a Medical Student she doesn't half look good. She kept alternating between my Christian and Surname. That's because I too look amazing for my age. Especially being a manic-depressive junkie and all.

I no longer feel like posting my every heartbeat to an ever fascinated world. I'm turning into Anna Grace in that respect. She goes days without troubling to post anything at all. Mostly because I used to think she was out mountain-biking, though she and her pdoc, (as Americans call a shrink (what is wrong with the simple term "psychiatrist"~? Why must you Americans complicate everything?))~ actually called it "cycling". In the United States, cycling means "having a bipolar episode". Well I don't know whether I'm cycling or not and/or if I am whizzing on my bike where on earth I am going!

Have a Cheering Weekend Everyone!!