Season's Greetings and Happy New Year 2016!

WISHING WARMEST GREETINGS OF THE SEASON AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE XXXOXXX

Are you like this too: every time you seem just about to have got around to mastering one thing then another (which cropped up ages ago, unnoticed) has gone so ridiculously neglected it's like the enchanted forest around Sleeping Beauty's Castle... Well my life is like that!

Anyway, have a happy new year as well XxXxXxX

J'adore cette chanson
VOYAGE VOYAGE TECHNO REMIX




AVE MARIA: this isn't the tune most people think of when you say Ave Maria but it's a beautiful tune nonetheless. (Music by Gounod Overlaid with Bach's Prelude in C Minor)




This is the "proper" Ave Maria. There are loads of versions and although this isn't the strongest version it's the best non-operatic Latin version I could find without spending all day at the computer...
I'm listening to it again. It is quite good. What an amazing tune!

FREEZING BLOODY COLD!!

IT REALLY IS FREEZING here in London. Snow is everywhere. On Saturday it was pretty deep by London standards. A whole one inch (2.5cm) deep. Slush everywhere. Now the town looks like a half-done christmas card with sprinklings of icing sugar on every roof... My plants are not happy. I think they're glad to have been brought inside. Most of them HAVE bloomed already. The muscari look really happy. I thought it was just me because they seemed to be radiating some sort of psychic aura ~ you could actually FEEL them growing. But it wasn't an illusion. They were growing so much that within one week I had to repot them in a giant milk carton because a volcano of roots was erupting from the pot...

O bloody hell I'm going to get timed out yet again and I have to get a Collins Gem Spanish dictionary from WH Smiths so I can read ¡Hola! magazine! Penelope Cruz is in the sea but I don't know where or why...

OK gotta go. Keep warm everyone!¬

Selfridges/New Pope/Siberian Weather in London/etc....

HEY DEPRESSION GONE!! I FEEL (relatively) "NORMAL!" again! Wow. And not high as a kite either. My sleep cycle is all over the place, it has to be said. Getting up at 4am yesterday and staying up till 4am again. Then I'm waking up twice an hour and in bed till one. Missed the group session I was fully intending to go to at the druggieclinic.

IGNORE yesterday's "I want morphine" rant. Really, I probably don't. My worker told me yesterday I don't "fulfill the clinical criteria". I'm pretty sure this means I'm not in physical pain. He also said my methadone dose, at only 20mg a day, was too low. I know someone in Austria where morphine pills are regularly used as an alternative to methadone and she said the standard ratio was 8mg morphine to 1mg methadone ~ which would put me on 160mg a day. If I really wanted it, I would fight. In the past, I have been good at overturning official hurdles. But I don't want it enough. If methadone is like swimming in cold water (when you're used to warm), I'm hoping it's preparing me for the chill waters of life stretching endlessly to the blinding horizons...

BINKY has been lying in bed for FOUR DAYS now. Yesterday she looked in a terrible state, but I couldn't tell whether the pain was physical or emotional (or both). She now goes shopping on a mobility scooter. The other day, she said, the sleeve of her coat got caught in the accelerator right when she needed to brake and she knocked a man over and went careering into a moving car. The man, who had gone flying to one side like a bowling skittle, said tangled coats were "no excuse". Yeah because he's an angel. Never gets his sleeves caught in passing door handles, or scooter handles, like the rest of us...

Anyway I've got to go. London is FREEZING COLD. Yesterday it was snowing quite liberally. The air feels like liquid nitrogen. Something to do with a cold front drifting over from Siberia.

Oh and the World is about to get a new pope. Here's my prediction: a politically correct African pope who says his aim is to "unite all Catholics". And I bet he'll be Francophone African. The Roman Catholic church doesn't seem to like the English language that much... Let's see whether that one comes true. Or if not African then South American. Preferably with tribal blood...

Has anyone been watching Mr Selfridge on ITV, Sunday nights? Why did no-one tell me how good it was? Like Downton Abbey in a shop. Selfridges is London's largest department store ~ after Harrods. Harry Gordon Selfridge was an American, who brought the novel concept of the department store across the Atlantic. He ran the store for thirty years, becoming the most talked-about shopkeeper in London. But he squandered so much of his fortune he practically went bankrupt. And spent his final years travelling about London day and night by bus... Sounds like one of my friends then...

Well I've got to go and harang the council about the bloody Turkish television that is still being beamed against my will into my flat. Wish me luck: I will need it.

O, and I'm rereading Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence. We did it at school for A level English. I love his descriptions of nature, they're lush. He describes the local cricket pitch glowing in the sun "like the bed of a sea of light". Wow. 

OK gotta run bye.

Illustrated: Selfridges, Oxford Street; arctic wastes; Harrods, Brompton Road, Sons and Lovers...

A Lazy Ice Heart full of Excuses

THE WORLD is icy cold and snowy and my heart feels cold as midwinter London. All the excitement (over nothing) of the past few weeks has gone and now I'm feeling gloomy and down. And tired, and achey. And I've been making up for lost sleep ~ snoozing round the clock, rather than spending a day and a half or so up, then going to bed and STILL not really wanting to sleep. I'm fed up of feeling like a road accident. Some days I went to bed feeling like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and was covered in scratches. No pleasant drowsiness at all. Just a feeling that I'd totally overdone it, and now I was ill. 

These days, when I have been felt "high", I have avoided moving around too much or pacing, because that makes me exhausted and the whole process worsens. You know a lot of people feel there is nothing wrong with me and, in a way, so do I. 

Looking back, apart from wanting to know the name of whatever it was that had been bugging me for years, the One Reason I every chased a diagnosis was that I was so fed up of having to deal with the consequences of SOMETHING, which was far in excess of ordinary drug-addiction (I'm the only person I know who ever let my benefits which could pay for drugs RUN OUT ~ not once, but twice ~ because I felt too depressed and unworthy to claim them)... My life in a mess. Bills not paid, debts not sorted out. Most other drug-addicts I know were like this to an extent. But in me, things reached an extreme. I don't know what it's called except DAMN LAZINESS. Then I find out Laziness is actually a symptom! And so I find I've got my "Excuse". Except that psychiatric labels excuse nothing. I still have to cope with life and I'm still not coping. I don't think that I will ever be OK.

All in all I can't wait till this is over ...

Clean Drugs Test

IT SNOWED in London today, but the ground was too warm and wet for anything to settle... Kids at the local school were going nuts though.

I ended up at the methadone clinic doing some anti-drugs meeting, which I didn't really feel up to, as I had been feeling too uptight and anxious (over nothing) and the only way to get out of that anxiety is to move or pace around, which makes me hyper and higher. The room was full enough to make me slightly paranoid. When the drug-talk got too boring I just stared at the swirly psychedelic faces in their blue floor. My worker seemed extremely surprised when I gave in a 100% drug-free (apart from methadone) test. See, I can do it.

I have been in a "funny mood" since about December 4. Some days I feel high. Other days less so. But luckily I haven't truly come down below "normal" for any length of time. I'd rather feel turbulent and (intermittently) very easily upset than all boring and "normal" any day... and who wants to be "normal" anyhow..?

Binky is supposed to be coming out of the mental hospital tomorrow. The patients are nowhere near as disturbed as last time. On Friday she introduced me to Manic Girl again, but I was actually higher and more manic than Manic Girl herself, who was still impounded in this nuthouse, despite being stone-cold normal (as far as I could see). Sometimes they like to keep people in for over-cautiously long times. But then if they stop the medication they're back in high mania within days. I've met a couple of random people over the years, both of whom had just been discharged from mental hospitals for extreme mania and both of whom were so obviously manic they were giving out energy like  electric fires radiate heat. Whether this was psychiatric staff who don't give a toss, or medication noncomplicance, I have no idea.

Anyway I have to go. So much for being off drugs; I actually have LESS money than usual. No idea what I spend it on... who knows, but it ain't chemical ~ hence that clean Screen.

Anyway I have to go: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on. ******* airheads ~ and yet so addictive...

My Icy Living Conditions!

BLOODY HELL IT IS SO COLD! The milk in my fridge literally froze this morning. I kid you not. I'm not in any type of elevated mood. Or other mood. I'm just way way way too chilly. Except the heating in this internet caff's belting it out way too hot and now I'm sweating like a roasting swine! For all of you who missed it yesterday, here's an approximation of my "flying book" dream...

And here's a great whoosher of a tune:

BINARY FINARY 2000

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

Real Housewives of Backwards American Healthcare Reprimand

IT'S SO LATE... Real Housewives of Washington DC's about to come on on ITV2+1 and I can't miss it. I really like the braying, posh English gal, Cat, who everyone else thinks is rude, eg because she goes to a wine-pressing session, decides she is bored and instead of being all pathetic, American Washingtonian and full of smiling BULLSHIT, she just says how she finds it and GOES HOME ~ like a normal British person would!

Also I really loved it when she laid into that airheaded Republican blogger about America's frankly primaeval healthcare system ~ saying how uncivilized she found it. And quite right, too! Apart from Guantanamo Bay, what makes me really not respect America is their exclusive, expensive, elitist healthcare system... so bad that people like Anna Grace say they're considering declaring Health Debt Bankruptcy!

I slept a good 12 hours last night and have had just ONE cup of tea and yet here I am all excited about today... though what's to be excited about except Real Housewives ..? ... I have no idea it is SO FREEZING COLD you can literally snap the air like an icicle out there. And I've had to top up the (pay as you go) electricity AGAIN.

Do they have pay-as-you-go electricity in America? BeverlyBabe, please answer me on this point. Also any horror stories about the backwards American health system that flatter my perspective would be much appreciated too XxxXxxX

I LOVE THIS TUNE

CYGNUS X: CLOCKWORK ORANGE THEME



♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

Ridiculously Cold

IT is FREEZING COLD. I've got the blow-heater on, blowing like crazy. I've managed to switch myself out of depression by cutting DOWN my medication. Now I feel stone cold normal most of the time. Except when I get this weird meaningless feeling of excitement, which is really entertaining. But the main problem is IT'S COLD... FAR TOO COLD! And I'm drinking tea to stay warm and the caffeine makes me hyper and high. So I spent half the night playing All Saints songs on top volume...

here are 2 good tunes:

STREISAND: YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE



ALL SAINTS: BLACK COFFEE




Illustrated: scene from Zao Mountains, Japan, featuring "ice monsters" (snow-encrusted firs)

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

Midwinter Pigeons Having a Bath (etc)...

I SAW a flock of pigeons having a bath in a puddle this morning. They're very brave birds as it was about one degree celcius out there. I wish I'd had a camera phone to record it. But here instead are some birds in Pnom Pen...


What else can I say. I've given up the drugs again and this time it might work, because I woke up at four a.m. and tried drinking hot tea to keep warm and either the tea or the lack of sleep has made me high and I'm feeling so good I don't NEED drugs. Or drug singular. The one substance in the equation being the Killer B. The Big H. Brown Heroin.

Righto I've got to go I've got Mr Kipling's 6 Xmas Cake Slices on me and they're begging to be eaten. After which I really need a crash diet. I could do with losing 5½ stone/77lbs/35kg. I don't care if that makes me too skinny, I'm fed up of looking like Benny from Crossroads.

Righty-ho I must fly. Have a chirpy weekend...


And just for the entertainment, here's a chirpy lovebird:~~~~~



♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫   O and 1 last thing. I love this tune...   FRIDGE ~ PARADISE ~ KOMAKINO MIX     ♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

Brrr!

OK, THIS is a picture of London under snow. It hasn't actually snowed. It's just FREEZING COLD!

Down Time of Year

WINTER is drawing inexorably closer. My house feels exceptionally chilly, clammy and damp. I daren't use the central heating any more after testing it out the other day and running up a bill of nearly £8 in eight hours (I'm sure I read the meter right).

Like a lot of other people I know, I feel run down, sickly and miserable and the time of year, surely, is a major factor. 

As I said yesterday, my friend has what sounds like a badly behaved less-than-year-old Alsatian/Akita cross in need of a good home. I would really like to take her on but Binky says it's a terrible idea as I wouldn't be up to the responsibility. One of the dog's behavioural problems is chewing things up in her owner's absence, which really wouldn't endear her to me. But on the other hand, the fact that she's big and furry with pointy ears would endear her a lot. I forgot to ask whether she pulls at the leash, because that really annoys me. If I'm going to have a dog I want a really well-behaved one. I've never seen a badly-behaved Akita but there's a first for everything.

I've been feeling down for a week or two now. This past weekend, in order to "regulate my mood" (my GP's expression) I tried taking my pills one in the afternoon and one at night, like I'm supposed to. Usually I take the entire dose at night in order to avoid daytime drowsiness.

So by five pm I was whacked out unconscious. I woke again at midnight, in time to take pill number two. And then slept all the way round till 9:30 ~ just in time to drink my methadone. Was awake for less than an hour... and slept round again... eventually rousing myself after two pm, making a grand total of twenty hours' sleep. Now that is ridiculous. The next night (Sunday) I slept badly, only going to bed around two and waking at 7:30, freezing cold. But last night I was unconscious for twelve hours in one block. So my sleep's all over the place. They do say winter depression is a kind of human hibernation response with the hypersomnia and carbs cravings. I've been packing on the pounds lately with all the Mr Kiplings Country Slices, chocolate limes and other stodge I'm consuming every day. So I'm trying to give up the sweets and stick to cottage pies with "country mixed vegetables". And supermarket Chinese chicken curry and beef in blackbean sauce. Not that I'm obsessed with food or anything. I haven't got the true Seasonal Affective Disorder ~ I know I haven't, because the most hyper and manic I've ever been was also in midwinter. My Mum says she gets winter depressions though ~ every single year. When I'm a famous writer I think I'm going to move to the Bahamas.

OK well I've gotta go home to microwave Sainsbury's Chinese Beef in Blackbean Sauce and I'll tell ya if it's OK.

I hope y'all are OK. Especially those of you in Continental Northern Europe or the northern United States or Canada... places where the climate's even worse than here.

PS Kate and Wills and the Third in Line to the Throne, due next June ~~ wahey!!

Nothing to Say (so I don't know why I'm bothering saying it...)

WHAT a load of crap I wrote in my last post.

I feel dreadful today. I woke up at 10 or 11 and it took till 4:30 to actually bother to get up and get down the methadone chemist's.

I am supposed to be going up the road to borrow a £10er to get GUESS WHAT. But that will probably never happen. I haven't got the energy to get up the road to start with... And my house is FREEZING but I WILL NOT PUT THE CENTRAL HEATING ON. It's a such a waste. So is the "H" but at least that warms my heart... nothing else can...


Illustrated: bullshit