Monday, 30 April 2012

Cancer Scare!

I HAVE A SWOLLEN lump just above my left nipple, which is really painful. It has been there for weeks and is getting bigger. And I seem to keep banging it all the time, which really hurts. My chest looks normal in the mirror, but if I look down it's noticably swollen on the left side. The (female) doctor had a good old grope then announced she is sending me off to a specialist. I didn't behave very grown up at all during this consultation. Couldn't stop smiling near-ecstatically the entire time. Then I said "I heard cancer is normally a hard lump" (this is soft-ish and feels like a loop, like some kind of atrophied veins or something though I hasten to add I have NOT been injecting there). But she said, "Not necessarily." Anyway, she's making me an appointment with a specialist. A breast cancer specialist, I assume. Apparently one case in a hundred of breast cancer does happen in MEN.

I was so excited last night I could not sleep. If I am dying I will have to write tons and tons of my little books to keep my family in money after I am gone. NO WAY am I having chemotherapy or radiotherapy. I will probably let them take the lump out, but that's it. If you think I'm the sort of person who posts how he wants to die one week then suddenly changes his mind when death becomes a real possibility, you really don't know me. I watch/listen to the religious channels on TV every day. And every night I get the Bible read out unedited in full on the TWR radio channel. I cannot wait to meet God. I don't want to live in this shitty world a day longer than absolutely necessary.

If anyone DARES try and force me into treatment against my will (which they theoretically could do by claiming I am mentally ill), I shall hire a lawyer and go to court over the issue. One thing God did bless me with was an eloquent mouth. And even if the judge rules against me I shall take up smoking in bed, cut open the drip bags and do everything possible to mess up their treatment.

If I've only got a short time to live, I'd better contrive as many novel-plots as I possibly can, so after I'm gone the publishers can hire someone else to turn them into books (like they did with Virginia Andrews). O yeah and I'd better write my will quick. If I don't write one, everything, including intellectual property rights, goes to my brother (as far as I understand), which I don't mind. But I wanted to make a more complicated will that would cut in more family members. I just hope they are hard-nosed enough to exploit my every literary creation for all it is worth. Storytelling might be an art, but publishing, movies, computer games and other spin-offs are business and I want them treated as such. If they sign any duff contracts after I am gone, for example selling film rights for a lump sum rather than taking a share of gross receipts, DVD sales etc (never net profits) AS WELL as a lump sum advance, then I really will turn in my grave (or my ashes pot).

So that's me. You all thought I'd die of an overdose and I'm probably dying of cancer! Keep smiling, I am. I want a roborovski hamster on my headstone.


PS I just read this back. I know it comes across a little weird. But I might be dying. What the hell else am I supposed to say?


Akelamalu said...

If you really want to die why bother going to see the specialist? Sorry if that sounds harsh Gleds, but you talk about sabotaging your treatment so there seems little point in seeking any.

bugerlugs63 said...

That ginger(ish) Robo is the same as my "White boy 2's" mother . . . She had two white babies (in separate litters). But "white boy 1" grew lumps around his tummy and died :-(
White boy 2 is just plain naughty.
Usually a sinister lump is painless . . . More likely a cyst or the start of an abcess, or maybe even a swollen/infected mammary gland.
You can meet with God every day, I don't think you improve your chances by dying ;-)
with love x

Anonymous said...

I agree with Buggerlugz. It's probably nothing sinister, sorry about that! I believe in fate, sort of, I think we all have a prescribed amount of time on this earth, and it doesn't really matter what you do to circumvent that (short of suicide). So you might as well suck it up and do what you can in your allocated time, whether its lying round the house watching TV., or writing the next great children's literature. Just get on with it, and stop thinking so hard, no wonder you are such a tortured soul. You think too much! Remember 'A merry heart doeth good like a medicine' Don't know what verse it is from.
From Kiwigirl. xo

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I think you're jumping the gun a bit, Gleds. I'm sure all will be well. Love from Sicily. xx

Z said...

Gledwood, love, I've been in a state of mind where I'd have welcomed a fatal illness. I got over it, never got ill and now want to live and be happy. I hope you get to that state of mind too, in good health. But I'll be here with you, whatever happens.

Furtheron said...

For some odd reason I'm reminded of Phil Cool - stand up comic of 20 - 30 years ago... went to see him in Chatham once, Chatham like many many provincial towns is frankly a bloody depressing place, much more so now than then frankly but he made a joke about all the people walking around the town he was singing "I'm not frightened of dying" as he did this Neanderthal like walk. Why this reminds of of that other than the lyric I've no idea... but...

it is probably nothing that serious just to piss on your firework as they say

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: I at least want to know whether I AM dying or not. Anyway I didn't know what the hell I wanted when I wrote that post I was just ranting and terrified of being forced into chemotherapy against my wishes.

BUGGERLUGZ: loads of people told me if it's painful it's probably benign

KIWIGIRL: I can't help thinking, it's a big fault of mine. I once tried meditation but found it so boring I gave up after ten minutes. The effort not to think was just too much for me.

WELSHCAKES: I've always been one to put the cart before the horse!

Z: I know I've said some sick things I kind of regret them now

FURTHERON: at least I go to the breast department not oncology. Now that really would be scary!

Anonymous said...

Good way of explaining, and good piece of writing to get information concerning my presentation subject, which i am going to deliver in college.
Feel free to surf my blog ... best cigarettes

Anonymous said...

bookmarked!!, I really like your site!
Feel free to surf my blog post buy cigarette

Anonymous said...

Wonderful work! That is the kind of information that are meant to
be shared across the internet. Shame on Google for
now not positioning this submit upper! Come on over and consult
with my web site . Thanks =)
Also visit my page ; cheap cigarettes

Anonymous said...

cwgrow polo ralph lauren pas cher amffimak moncler iicpzgg czezqdy fsenu Blogger: Gledwood Vol 4 (new main blog) - Post a Comment pemlgkv

Anonymous said...

Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter
and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She put the shell to her ear and screamed.
There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!
Feel free to surf my web blog ; make your own music

Anonymous said...

Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam comments?
If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything
you can advise? I get so much lately it's driving me mad so any help is very much appreciated.
Here is my page :: make money online

Anonymous said...

I do not leave a bunch of responses, however i did some searching
and wound up here "Cancer Scare!". And I do have some
questions for you if you usually do not mind. Could it
be simply me or does it look like a few of the remarks come across like they are coming from brain
dead visitors? :-P And, if you are writing at additional online social sites, I'd like to keep up with everything new you have to post. Could you make a list of every one of all your communal pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?
Feel free to visit my page ... how to grow taller fast

Anonymous said...

It is perfect time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy.

I have read this publish and if I may I desire to counsel you few interesting issues or tips.
Perhaps you could write subsequent articles regarding this article.
I want to learn more issues approximately it!
my webpage: how to get rid of acne

Anonymous said...

If you are going for best contents like me, just pay a quick visit this web page everyday since it offers
quality contents, thanks
Feel free to surf my weblog : old holborn