Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Life is a Gift

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A BREAST CANCER specialist this Thursday at 9:45am. I nearly didn't pick up the phone from the clinic, thinking it was an annoying friend.

I am sorry about what I said yesterday, or the attitude behind it. I have been very ungrateful for my life. Talking about meeting God, when life itself is a miracle from God.

As for the rest of the ranting, I really don't know what the hell I want. I just know I don't want to be FORCED into any treatment against my will. I want my own life to be my own decision.

Apparently my swelling is visible through clothing. The lump itself feels flat, the shape of a very shallow pencil eraser. It's about 2cm or 2/3 of an inch long. I've been told by several people, including my mother, who's actually had breast cancer, that it's probably a cyst. Cysts hurt. Cancer doesn't (until the terminal stage and we all know about that.)

By the way I never mentioned this before because for weeks it just felt like a bruise. But when I knocked it the night before the doctor's appointment for my toe, I had a proper look and realized how swollen it actually is.

Re my other minor medical issues: the pus-ridden toenail has stopped pussing, still smells a bit of dustbins and has gone itchy ~ a sure sign of healing. I'm on flucloxacillin 250mg x4 daily.

My once crooked and inflexible broken finger has straightened up so well it barely looks any different to my other fingers now. It isn't stiff. I can type properly again.

I don't know how long it will be till I find out whether I'm at death's door and how far from that door I actually am.

I know if I do get diagnosed with cancer I will probably cry. I cried when the doctor told me I had schizophrenia and manic depression together and back then I was in what he succinctly called an "elevated mood" (ie ravingly manic).

I'm reading Enid Blyton's Famous Five. Her characters are obsessed with food and seem forever to be knocking back ginger beer.

My mood has improved considerably since last week. I'm not even that bothered about the prospect of surgery ~ just as long as they don't lop my nipple off!

Well I've got to go. I'm about to have four cheese tortelloni and broccoli with a mountain of grated Red Leicester.


Akelamalu said...

I think you want to get well Gleds - not have cancer and not be on any drugs. Please God it will happen for you.xx

I used to love the Famous Five books when I was a child, I imagine I would still love them now.

Z said...

All you've coped with and got through somehow, you'll deal with this. Just be kind but straight with yourself.

CrystalChick said...

My sister has breast cancer and has done very well with treatment and surgery. She has a great attitude about it all, but certainly, not everyone is like that when faced with news regarding medical issues. Each person can only do what they can do. You can feel any way you want about things and get angry, cry, get happy again, and make all your own decisions. There is no right or wrong way.

Best wishes for a good outcome.

Baino said...

Good luckk, I'm feeling grateful to only have a broken arm

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all!

Bev said...

I will keep you in my heart and prayers.I care about you.
You keep us updated okay?
The best part of surgery is when its all over.

Syd said...

Gleds, it is likely not cancer. I don't think that this will be as bad as you are thinking. Wait and see what the docs say before getting too wound up. Thinking of you and hoping all will be okay.