LONDON has been absolutely boiling hot this past week. I have been sweating like a swine in teeshirts and jeans. My heavy drinking friend Greg Arious gave me a pair of shorts , among many other things, in exchange for a huge bottle of cyder.
My housing manager paid a visit at the end of last week. She kept saying there was too much clutter. One reason the place does look so full is that the numerous bags, boxes and suitcases piled around the place are mostly EMPTY. The mounds of books, DVDs, clothes and kitchen utensils are out precisely because I am sorting through them and casting the excess aside. The local charity shop has profitted handsomely from this enterprise. A couple of afternoons ago I closed my eyes and saw a gleaming vision of what my room could look like if completely decluttered and cleaned out. This has inspired me a to make that dream a reality.
I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of days' time. I'm due for a refill on my antipsychotics. The ones I stopped taking because they made me too ill. Since I stopped my mood has swung up-down-up. It currently feels normal but falling. I still get little voices and inserted thoughts ~ that is, thoughts from outside stray into the edge of my mind. The other day something blasted right into the central stream of my thought, like a bowling ball. My own ideas went skedaddling like ninepins and the same word repeated itself over and over. I had to give up the book I was trying to read and went to bed feeling confused.
I'm not having any kind of "episode" and yet still these weird things occur. My sanity feels permanently impaired. A big reason I want to get off methadone is to see whether I'm any healthier in body and in mind without that toxin. In the old days I was scared of methadone because I feared it would worsen my habit (methadone being more addictive than heroin). Now I wonder whether it hasn't poisoned my mind too. Who knows, without any further chemical compromise, maybe I will eventually recover? I'm not hanging too much hope on that, though.
I have yet to attend any of the Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings I was talking of in my last post. They all seem miles away.
I bought a giant rump steak on reduction today ~ only £1.49. The instructions said fry each side for 6 mins on a medium heat. I gave it more than 12 and it was tough as old boots. Still it was nice. I cooked onions, garlic and mushrooms with it so it was most sophisticated. In a rustic kind of way. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!
Now I must be off. it's past 11pm and I'm still absolutely boiling!