Monday, 28 May 2012

Good Day Sunshine

LONDON has been absolutely boiling hot this past week. I have been sweating like a swine in teeshirts and jeans. My heavy drinking friend Greg Arious gave me a pair of shorts , among many other things, in exchange for a huge bottle of cyder.
I am hoping that if I could do extensive sunbathing in such shorts, the years of needle marks up and down my legs, which look way worse than my arms, might eventually fade.

My housing manager paid a visit at the end of last week. She kept saying there was too much clutter. One reason the place does look so full is that the numerous bags, boxes and suitcases piled around the place are mostly EMPTY. The mounds of books, DVDs, clothes and kitchen utensils are out precisely because I am sorting through them and casting the excess aside. The local charity shop has profitted handsomely from this enterprise. A couple of afternoons ago I closed my eyes and saw a gleaming vision of what my room could look like if completely decluttered and cleaned out. This has inspired me a to make that dream a reality.

I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of days' time. I'm due for a refill on my antipsychotics. The ones I stopped taking because they made me too ill. Since I stopped my mood has swung up-down-up. It currently feels normal but falling. I still get little voices and inserted thoughts ~ that is, thoughts from outside stray into the edge of my mind. The other day something blasted right into the central stream of my thought, like a bowling ball. My own ideas went skedaddling like ninepins and the same word repeated itself over and over. I had to give up the book I was trying to read and went to bed feeling confused.

I'm not having any kind of "episode" and yet still these weird things occur. My sanity feels permanently impaired. A big reason I want to get off methadone is to see whether I'm any healthier in body and in mind without that toxin. In the old days I was scared of methadone because I feared it would worsen my habit (methadone being more addictive than heroin). Now I wonder whether it hasn't poisoned my mind too. Who knows, without any further chemical compromise, maybe I will eventually recover? I'm not hanging too much hope on that, though.

I have yet to attend any of the Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings I was talking of in my last post. They all seem miles away.

I bought a giant rump steak on reduction today ~ only £1.49. The instructions said fry each side for 6 mins on a medium heat. I gave it more than 12 and it was tough as old boots. Still it was nice. I cooked onions, garlic and mushrooms with it so it was most sophisticated. In a rustic kind of way. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Now I must be off. it's past 11pm and I'm still absolutely boiling!


Syd said...

It has been warm here but not oppressive for this time of year. Tomorrow will be rainy all day due to the tropical storm's last rain bands. Hope that you can make some meetings, Gleds. I like that you want recovery. Time to take action on it.

bugerlugs63 said...

Hi Gledwood,
I wouldn't worry too much whether its DRA, N/A or even A/A . . . most of the ex users I know from N/A have mental health issues . . . in fact most of the people I know in life in general have issues.
Try and let go of the N/A resentment from your previous attempt . . . every time I go, the "tough-love-hard-core" guy that runs the place ends up saying something to upset me but I will not let that stop me. In-fact as I see it, with it being a spiritual battle, that is "something" trying to stop me going. It wont win!
Last time I admitted using after a row with Stropster (son 16) . . he (the toughy)said "You deserve every bit of anger that your son can throw at you, and more!!!"
Well he can fuck right off, he has no idea what sort of a mother I have been.
Please go there, even just to the nearest N/A, ignore those who don't believe you, it's not about them . . It's about you and your "HP", whoever you want that to be, it sure as hell aint them or any other human.
You are so close to getting clean. I would expect "impaired sanity" for a least a year, even when you're clean but it will get better eventually.
One year to get well is relatively little after 12 yrs of Heroin addiction.
Take good care Gledwood, enjoy the sun. With love, as always x

Furtheron said...

I'm with Bugerlugs here - there is a DRA meeting near me, I went once but luckily most of my AA meetings that I attend are generous in their definition of "relating to alcoholism". Last night there was some conversation about my guitar addiction for example... I mean what is wrong with someone having 14 guitars - they are all perfectly justifiable... :-)

Yes - I won't moan about the heat given the April we had but working in one of London's beautiful old Georgian buildings on the top floor in essentially what was the old staff quarters in the attic frankly a modern dull airconed office block (my destination come July) seems much more appropriate!

Anonymous said...

Gleds, would be great to catch up in London when I'm there. I sent you an email about it, hope to see u soon, mark r

Akelamalu said...

The weather has been fabulous here 'oop north too, I love it!

Gledwood said...

Syd: time to actually go to that DRA meeting and stop talking about it. But I'm scared I tell you!! TERRIFIED!!

Buggerlugz: the guy who runs your local meeting sounds like a real bastard!

People say the first year in "Recovery" is crap. Mostly they seem to go so totally over the top that some do actually seem hypomanic. Then there's other weeks when they're too miserable for words.

Furtheron: yeah air conditioning is a real luxury. In this country, people don't seem to understand that you have to keep doors and windows SHUT for it to work properly.

I'm going to go to this DRA thing. Just as soon as I can pinpoint where it actually is. When I looked at their maps they were full of tube stations I have only vaguely heard of, eg Fulham Broadway...

Mark: I have never actually met any real person from my blog. But I will think about it. I'm checking the email now. If I don't get right back to you it is because that is too full of spam from groups I joined then quickly lost interest in... to find anything.

Akelamalu: glad to hear the North is just as balmy as it is down here...