Thursday, 15 November 2012

The Issue of "Issues"... Plus the Issue of Heroin...

SO I took the pharmacological de-icer and felt instantly better for it, but the depression crept back and now I feel almost as bad as yesterday ~ and yet I'm on the gear as well! So now two negatives. Although just about everything looks "negative" when scrutinized closely.

My drugs worker is really pissing me off. Every time I come in there saying I feel down he says everybody gets down. And that he feels crap every single day. Patronizing piece of shit. So I said, Well I don't feel down all the time; sometimes I feel just perfect. A-OK. A1. And he had no answer for that one.

The other thing that annoys me is when drug worker type people try and get all psychological about it, as if I'm going to tell them what "issues" lie behind my negative mood. Whatever "issues" they may be, they must surely be ones that make me feel absolutely fantastic the rest of the time, when I'm not depressed. Or else, they are at least only part-time issues.

When I'm feeling bad, I'm not depressed "about" any one thing; I'm depressed about everything.

I'm using the word "depression" but really that isn't how it feels. If I didn't know what "depression" was, I'm not sure I'd even think of myself as "depressed". I would say that I felt sick and miserable, worn out. Overcome by some mysterious and indistinct illness, an affliction of the soul... That my heart feels packed in ice. Perhaps I would say I feel this way because my chickens have come home to roost. All I am is a miserable junkie. But I do not believe that if and when I ever do get off the heroin and off the methadone completely I will ever feel OK. I strongly suspect that I'll feel exactly the same way I do now but I just won't be an active drug-addict any more. I'll be a miserable ex-junkie instead.

Remember that in late 2010 through the spring of 2011, when the heroin supply in Britain had dried up anyhow (there literally was nothing out there to score, apart from dodgy white and brown powders containing very little to no gear at all)... That was when I really lost it ~ with mania, depression and psychosis. All of which had been building up in me for years. I was never altogether surprised to have a sudden and intense manic episode, because I'd been experiencing flashes of it for years. And for even longer than that I'd had intermittent and transient symptoms of what I now know to be psychosis. But I'd just feel strange and disembodied and sometimes hear voices. But it was nothing strong enough to require treatment ~ or so I thought. The first "voices" I ever heard were so indistinct, I couldn't even tell what they were saying: if I'd told a psychiatrist about this, I thought I'd have been laughed out of his office. It was only upon googling the subject that I discovered it starts for lots of people that way.

In my heart I feel lied to. By every well-meaning and probably genuine person who has ever tried to tell me that if I'd only kick the drugs everything would somehow be OK. It just never spun out that way. Example: I gave up crack ages ago. Crack used to sometimes make me feel intensely paranoid. But I've been far, far more paranoid months after ever touching the stuff than I ever was "on" it. The same can be said about depression and drink. I haven't touched drink in weeks. And yet this week I felt more depressed than in a very long time.

Interestingly, when I told the psychiatrist that drink actually made me feel better in depression and yet did next to nothing at all when my mood was already "elevated" he accepted this and didn't try to contradict me. You have to bear in mind that by this point I'd already reduced from the equivalent of more than a bottle of spirits a day, down to three to four double vodkas, spaced over twenty-four hours. So he said I was just "psychologically addicted to alchol". 

The effects of drink and drugs have become so unreliable ~ I never know how body and brain are going to react that I'm starting to feel there's just no point in taking any of them. Not just because they're "bad" but because they just don't work. Drink did used to make me feel better. But more recently it's only made me feel more run down and equally depressed. Heroin does something weird to my mood and I'm not even sure quite what. But common sense tells me that with my moods as unstable as they are, it's probably best to take nothing at all that's going to interfere with them.

Heroin, lovely heroin all-healing, all-destroying heroin; it's the last thing left and I just cannot drop it. I wish to God that I could, but I can't.

So I do not know what to do...


Not an original choice but what the hell

This "anthem of a generation" wasn't originally about addiction, but about a person who is terminally ill... "hanging on for dear life," literally...



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Bev said...

I dont know.I never tried much stuff that is addictable.
I have enough problems with alcohol.
Lots of problems what its doing to me physicaly.
Lately when I get sad.I get rock bottom sad where I dont care about consequenses or my health.
Its been very hard and bad for me.
I have to try remembering the consequences better or caring more about the consequences instead of living for the moment.
coconut flakes covered doughnut kisses to you.You big stack of loaded testosteroneX0X0

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Beverly: you really feel physical consequences from drinking? I didn't. In all the years of my "alcoholism" I never had a single hangover. Even on 15 double scotches a day (equivalent; I drank cyder). I gave up alcohol because it was a waste of time, never made me high, except when I was high already. And all in all is a load of shit. If you love achey muscles and wandering around in slow-motion alcohol is the drug of choice. Some choice though...

I'm not criticizing you for drinking. I mean, I drank enough. But what did it do for me..? Nothing at all!

Bev said...

Wandering around in slow motion or not moving around at all is what I done for may be a week.
Today Im drinking tea.I can only drink tea when Im happy.If I drink it and am having a hard time I feel like swithing to alcohol.

Gledwood said...

I know how you feel. I wanted alcohol every day for... how many years? Maybe 10 years... maybe longer. God knows what damage I've caused... and all for nothing! It did nothing for me at all!! I mean, heroin seemed to do a lot and that's why I loved it... but why did I drink? I don't even know...

I went through a phase of drinking extremely heavily towards the end of 2010 ... but that was the last shout as far as really heavy drinking went, because it was just too much. Blackouts. No injuries, nothing smashed up. But I could barely recall a single thing afterwards... But hey, maybe that's a good thing...