What Happened At The Hospital

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS I wasn't clucking when I woke up this morning. I was so para about missing the 9:45 hospital appointment I got up at 7am. Packed a toothbrush, deodorant, Michael Jackson book, Famous Five and everything. Just in case I needed instant surgery. I drank most of my methadone. Am saving some till tonight in the hope that I won't have to walk to the chemist tomorrow in menopausal-style sweats. Miraculously I had survived the previous 24 hours on just the 30mg prescribed. I had been drinking a little extra on top as I'd messed up my system taking heroin every day for just over a month. I'm off the heroin now. And off the extra methadone too. I won't be going back to either in a hurry.

The consultant told me I was growing breast tissue. He mentioned normal and abnormal tissue but wouldn't tell which was mine. I had to tell him about the methadone and the Seroquel/quetiapine. Methadone because it could mess up general anaesthesia if some opioid like fentanyl were part of the cocktail. Seroquel becaus it can cause production of breast milk even in young boys. He said there was no connection between this and what I have. He did say cannabis can make you grow tits, but I never touch that crap. The doctor seems to suspect my problem has something to do with my liver. As for why is the swelling one side only, he said that just happens sometimes.

He can't think I'm seriously ill, surely, as my next appointment is in JUNE. He also said excessive male breast tissue does not necessarily have to be removed. We'll see about that. I've also got to have a scan in about 2 weeks. I had to go down for blood tests ~ liver function, electrolytes and soemthing called B-HCG or B-HC4. Couldn't read the doctor's writing. O I just googled it! B-HCG is the PREGNANCY HORMONE!!!

Here's the scene from Carry on Matron where Kenneth Williams thinks he's turning into a woman. Watch it and you'll see why I love Carry on films so much:

 

Anyway back to the blood-letting and I really wasn't looking forward to the stabbing at my veinless arms but she got me first time in each hand. My GP annoyingly enough wanted a glucose and lipids profile so I needed 2 tests. My right hand dried up after barely 1ml and that took a stressfully long time to dribble out. The left hand was a real gusher ~ 3ml within a couple of seconds. I haven't hit up there for years since hitting an artery right beside where she hit the vein.

Then I hit the cyder on the way back. Only drank one litre (as well as a half litre can on the way there) ~ but that was enoughto make me feel dehydrated and crap all day. It's past 8:30 and I still don't feel right.

So anyway I've no idea what's supposedly wrong with me. The mystery continues...

Illustrated: fentanyl ~ often used in general anaesthesia.