A Windy Time

I WAS IN A REALLY WEIRD MOOD yesterday. My friend Pinx wanted £25 off me, £10 of which I owed to her, £15 of which she was borrowing from me. This entailed, annoyingly enough, a walk in the freezing cold and rain.

Then I stopped to have a wee round the back of a church and found I was hearing "voices" or very loud random thoughts. I could point to where precisely they came from, which was the air around me. Then we messed about going round Morrisons. I kept having laughing fits. Then we went in the £1 shop where they had fart cushions and then I really was laughing my head off. We tested it out at the bus stop and I thought "if the police come past they'll think I'm a drunk, cackling like this" but I'd only had a half can of cyder at this point. I don't hear my thoughts aloud all the time by the way.

 Anyway then I went and got my step-Dad a death card because his Mum has died. Pinky told me in no way should I get the sunset one I really wanted. So I picked out a landscape of hills reflected in a lake ~ neutral. I really wanted Van Gough's Starry Night from the rack above but wasn't sure if it wasn't too depressing. I've no idea of my step-Dad's taste. He and I have water under the bridge but I did write, "I was very sorry to hear about your Mum. I know you loved and cared for her deeply," which he did. She died of Alzheimer's in a care home. No idea where she was. Then I signed my name.

And then the phone rang. It was another friend wanting a DVD back. I said fine I'll be right with you. He lives only 7 minutes away. Searched everywhere in my bag. It wasn't there so I really flipped my lid. Stamped home. Then all the way to his. Which took ages. Was still in fury when I got there; he asked what the hell was wrong. I just told him I was a moody bastard. He thinks I'm cuckoo anyway. Then I got out the fart cushion and was laughing my head off again. What I really wanted was some sexual lubricant to rub down the neck to make the farts sound really wet and dirty. But nobody had any. His dog went nuts when I let off the windbag in its face. Jumping back and forth then running up to me, trying to savage the Rubbery Trumpeteer.

Oh yeah then I got offered free brown and white ~ that's heroin and crack ~ but I said no way in hell. A little too vehemently. Crack really rattles my cage; brown does nothing. Plus it will dirty up my test down the drug clinic.

So I quickly went home. Tried to sleep in the early evening because I thought I was tired. Couldn't sleep. A good sign, really. I'm no longer sleeping 12-15 hours every day. In the last few days my sleep has become really poor. I put on the film Quills and was laughing my head off at the dirty stories ~ especially the graveyard one where the man gets so vigorous with a corpse that her bones fall apart.I didn't like the bit where Michael Caine (the sadistic dr) orders the Marquis's tongue cut out. Though the film was set in an insane asylum, the Marquis de Sade was no lunatic. Yes he was a pervert. Yes eccentric. A bit hypomanic, maybe. But not mad.

Come midnight I was too excited to sleep so I put on loud dance music videos. I know from experience not to bother even trying to sleep when I feel even slightly hyper. At 3:45 I lay down in bed but still couldn't sleep. I took a Nytol and eventually crawled under the duvet at 5:25, truly exhausted. It was daylight outside. I got up around midday and have done little except watch back-to-back Dallas repeats. And that's my day!

PS I no longer believe I'm seriously ill at all. With liver disease or anything else. And don't even care that much about turning into a woman! If I were going to turn into anything I'd much rather be a roborovski hamster. Or better still a bird. A seagull wheeling high in the air.

 LMC: CLOUDS ABOVE

 


MADONNA: GIRL GONE WILD this is the song from Madonna's perfume ad. Took her long enough to bring out a fragrance. You'd think a business-headed girl like her would have got in on that act years ago.