I DON'T QUITE know what the title means, but it is indeed what they like to call a "crisp" day here in London. In other words it's BLOODY FREEZING COLD with SUB-SIBERIAN TEMPERATURES. At least it feels that way. My electric fan heater has been belting it out 20 to the dozen. I don't care how much I'm wasting by using one of those things. At least I pay for electricity as I go (mostly on emergency) instead of getting stung by great overestimated British Gas bills every quarter!
I'm just going to have to drop the tiresome bipolar language. I'm not "hypomanic" I'm deliriously happy and isn't it great. I mean yes I'm a bit loud and disinhibited at times but no "racing throughts" or confusion or hallucinations. And I'm only as "grandiose" as I'm Meant To Be. O yeah and I'm losing a single hour of sleep, on average, under my usual minimum (ie I'm on 7 hours: usually I sleep 8-10) and yet that, annoyingly enough, scores me one point on some Mania Rating Scale I once googled up ~ when I scored a good 42 out of 50 (ish ~ I can't remember the bloody numbers now) you know when I went cuckoo last year.
I'm so shocked, offended and ashamed at bearing that nuttly label "schizophrenic" ~ even my GP talks about my "schizophrenia" and I cannot be bothered to tell her I actually suffer from what Emil Kraepelin called Manic-Depressive Insanity (well I do according to his book of the same name). Anyway: I'm so traumatized at having gone stark raving bonkers last year I'm starting to feel I need a brief spate of counselling sessions to get over it! How dreadful is that? The memory of the "disease" is worse than the actual thing!
I am reading the Andy Warhol Diaries. What a blast! He and I are cut from the same cloth: I'm obsessed by all that is fabulous and shallow too. Well I am 85% of the time. The other 15 I'm transcendently profound. Well I like to think so.
Ho hum I have to go. Not much else to say except if I don't get out of here soon I'll miss Downton Abbey!
This is how I know I have "manic-depressive insanity" because here's Andy Warhol in the terrifying grip of delirious psychotic mania just like mine ~ except his is far more florid. Watch closely:~~~~~~~~
Ey! I just did the Mania Scale again and I score 11! O! or maybe a 12. I love this kind of crap: reminds me of the type of nonsense you find in the women's magazines in dental surgeries etc...
12 comments:
Gledwood, the background to your blog is making my eyes go funny!!!!
You're sounding good, by the way. Great stuff. I'm not a Downtowner - how odd is that?
Elizabeth really! I know you are in and out of that prison but MUST YOU take psychedelic drugs on a sunday night?? What on earth is wrong with my background? too dark? is the writing not bright enough? i could make it a vulgar canary yellow for you
hey you could write your own Sunday night soap about the residents of Swansea Jail... make it a cross between Prisoner Cell Block H and Glee with musical inmates and operatic guards ~~~ how fabulous.
When I was hospitalized the psychiatrists helper refused to give me a dignosis when I asked.He said well we dont like the patient knowing whats wrong with them.Some thing like that.
He was more cowardly then me.
He walked around all most on tippy toes.He was very nervous.I think he was afraid of his work but any way I asked the doctor in front of him and I felt very sad when he says major depression.
6 months after therapy and medicine.I got off the stuff and away from the clinic.
I needed to re claim my life and had it with the label.You know?
I wanted to find happiness and some dignity again.
Dignity.Yep I just felt like another germ under the microscope and needed to be free of there life style.Didnt like it.
Any way.Andy Warhol.Did he write that?I read that many people in his factory wrote books and he authorized it.
What a trooper!
Waiting for hurricane Sandy.Nothing here yet.Not even a raindrop.
chipolte sauce on wings kisses for youXoXo
Andy Warhol definitely wrote his own diary. He dictated it daily to his assistant, Pat Hackett. It's so understated, yet funny (possibly unintentionally so: sometimes I just cannot tell).
Ukh mental sicknesses are so very inconvenient. I'm glad you got away from it in 6 months. Don't you still get depressed? Do you consider depression an illness? I never really did. When I was younger a person with anxiety/depression like I used to have years ago was said to have "emotional problems" not mental problems. Mental problems meant psychotic depression, manic depression and schizophrenia.
Depression is the pits. Onwards and up!
I've never had any therapy for my madness at all. Every time it was suggested when I was still manic I think I pulled a massive face because the drs knew never to mention it again! I do resent being expected to spill my guts to a complete stranger. But hey... maybe it can help.
I've had years of counselling in the past. With 3 separate counsellors, 1 of whom seemed to despise me ~ the other 2 I got under their skin massively. Which really weirds me out when I think about it, so usually I don't...
You don't think the Andy Warhol video is just a plug for Burger King? If I was manic, there is no way I could sit that still and be that calm for that long. Are you able to do that?
*Sigh* I hate when I feel the way you do and have to question it - what is so bad with just being happy and feeling good if I'm not doing anything wrong? Maybe nothing? I know the concern is the cycle - will it eventually lead to depression? Somehow someone has put the fear of God into us that feeling good is bad.
I hate labels too, and I'm embarrassed of having gone to a psychiatric ward as well. If you can find a good counselor, I'm sure it would help! Unfortunately, "going bonkers" is how we figure out we have a mental illness to begin with!
You're awesome, Gledwood! : )
The black stripey lines around the edge - the border. THey make my eyes go funny though not so bad this morning so maybe my eyes were extra tired last night. (What with it being a long day.)
The stock exchange all started with tulips in Amsterdam; did you know that? How fascinating but how awful us 'civilised' people were when we explored the world. And Christopher Columbus was an absolute rotter.
KANSAS: Was that a Burger King hamburger? I didn't notice. I was looking at the packaging wondering where it came from? Can I sit that still while manic? no way! The least I would be doing is swaying too and fro. I used to wake up in the morning at 2:30am and sit in front of the internet shaking my head vigorously so my then-long hair fanned my face. Also I used to find myself making fanning motions with my right hand right up to my ear, which makes everything sound really bizarre (if you have loud music on) ~ try it.
What I find fascinating about Andy Warhol is how non-manic he was, and yet he managed all this work. One thing about Andy Warhol, he did work for what he got. He wasn't a fluke...
Am I awesome? That's good. Next week I want to be fabulous :-)
ELIZABETH: o yeah I heard about the tulips-as-money thing but don't bulbs go rotten over time? Or do gardeners keep them in their sheds for years..? I really don't know.
As for exploring the world I just find it hilarious that the South American natives grabbed the gold-hungry Spanish, tied 'em up and poured pure molten gold down their throats. That's the definition of poetic justice!
KANSAS: Someone somewhere has put the fear of God into us that feeling good is bad.... THAT'S IT!! Precisely!
It is indeed cold. Have you not thought of wrapping up with a nice warm scarf? And of having these demonic spirits possessing you professionally exorcised?
Yeah I've got the scarf already. I swapped the ladies' one I had for a gents' one in my friend Binky's collection. As for the "professional exorcism", no thanks!
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