Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Mystery Illness

I HAVEN'T POSTED because I was sick all last week with some mystery diarrhoea and flu type illness that had me sweating like a swine who hadn't had enough methadone. My methadone is down to 35mg. Unfortunately I got back into the habit of using heroin on top which I am trying hard to stop. Some days I only used the traces left from the day before. But any using is too much using. I want to be free of all drugs altogether, so this is what I'm trying to remind myself. The heroin took away the sweats and chills from the flu-type illness. And that made me feel that I was getting addicted to the heroin again, so it's all a mess. I'm taking my methadone as late in the day as possible so that each day I can move the time of dosing forward, and the methadone should hold me all the way through. Well that's the theory.

I am now on 200mg quetiapine (Seroquel). This is for schizophrenia, mania and bipolar depression and it makes me extremely drowsy. Every day this week I have had to get up early for some reason or other and today it caught up with me. I slept all afternoon through to five o'clock. The 50mg quetiapine I've been on for the past fortnight is an exceedingly low dose and I don't think it has insulated me well from the bells and whistles (or slings and arrows) of madness. Strange things happen. For example, yesterday lay down and tried to have a nap for an hour but I couldn't sleep because my body was shrinking into space. I clicked my thumbnail under my front teeth and my thumb was massive. The rest of my body was tiny though. Nothing could make this illusion go away, except for getting out of bed and losing the opportunity of sleep. I also keep getting manic flash-backs. That is the memory of specific symptoms comes back and hard. For instance I tried to post on my blog one night and could only write strings of rhymes. My mind was racing so hard. I don't think I am becoming manic. The mere thought of going mental like that scares me because I totally lost my mind in the peak of mania. The only good thing about it was the euphoric high. My self-esteem soared while my mind fell apart in a way it has never done during depression.

Because I was ill everything went to rack and ruin yet again. So today I cleaned the floor. It looks amazingly stark and light now that 75% of the dirt is gone. I have to quadruple the dose of these antipsychotics tonight but am not looking forward to fighting to stay awake all tomorrow.

Anna Grace asked why I have slowed down on my blogging. It is because I no longer have a working computer at home and because I have been ill and depressed. I am refocusing on the goal of getting off methadone all together. I really hate methadone. It's too much of a compromise for someone like me to accept. No lovely needle. No instant fix. And yet still the slavery of being totally beholden to a yucky artificial chemical and the corrupt clinic system that deals it out. I think methadone clinics are corrupt because they subtly bully clients into lying and saying they're doing well when nearly all of them are doing badly. The reason they are doing badly is that methadone is no real substitute for heroin. It's not until I got to the end of the line that I ever had motivation to steer clear of heroin for any length of time. I want to come off methadone so that I can visit my family without having to ask permission at the clinic for a week's take home medication, which you need to ask for at least a fortnight in advance. Sometimes they refuse to cover even one week, insisting you pick up half the methadone from a nominated chemist once you get there. My family live in a small community. I don't want gossip going around about who's on the Mean Green Methadone Machine.

Well it's past 7pm and I'm tired. Yet again my thoughts have turned to scoring. How am I ever going to get out of this vicious rut? I think I should remind myself that I'm practically the same on heroin as off it. And what nasty nasty stuff it is. I wish so much that I could be treated on anything else but methadone but the only thing else on offer where I live is Suboxone. I've been on Subutex and the switchover is very disruptive. My sleep shrivelled down to four hours per night and two weeks later I was still getting no more than six hours. I didn't realize at the time but my mood was on something of a high. With my history, if I let that happen again I could easily get manic. And as I said, I don't really want to lose my mind.

Well I have to go now. Outside, London is trundling past. I wonder where all those people are going? My finger is almost normal again. I can type almost normally ~ something that felt it was never going to happen again when I broke my fingers. Take care everyone... ;-)...


Furtheron said...

Take care of yourself - hope you feel better soon and hope you hit the target to get of the methadone...

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Vicious ruts are awfully hard to get out of.
I know how you feel about Seroquel. In the hospital, I was very abruptly taken off alprazolam & amytripiline and put on Seroquel to treat my insomnia and Pamelor for depression, both were useless and I yawned just about every 5 seconds and life was like a zombie, trying to focus but really blurry.
Anyway, I hope you get the right meds and treatment.
All th best to you.

Anonymous said...

hi,you are so right about the subtle bullying of methadone clinics,and it IS awful...some are better than others,and genuinely want to help,but their hands are tied.I have had that sensation you describe about the tiny body and big hands when i had a fever when i was young,it stays with me till today,so peculiar!Anyway,you are doing well in terms of your goal to free yourself of the mean green methadone machine,at least you are not mega addicted to it any more and if you use on top,well,your dose is down,so you done good!
Annie x

bugerlugs63 said...

Ditto Annie . . . I had the "big and smalls" when I was young always accompanying a fever but it could be those meds. They must mess with your head some.
Well done on the methadone but watch that the Heroin is not replacing the methadone as you cut down . . . I know you want to be off the methadone but it's not worth getting back on the gear for is it?
The more "bits" of gear you have here and there the more it will fog your view of the real goal. I so hope that doesn't sound "preachy" Gledwood, it's just true . . . and the gear's good at hiding the truth.
I hope you feel better real soon.
I've got some cute hammy pups but my son (plus camera) is away till Saturday . . . As soon as he's back I will put pics up (just for you).
Love as always from me and the Hampers x x x x

Akelamalu said...

I don't suppose the heroin is helping matters. Hope you feel better soon Gleds.

Syd said...

Sorry that you have been ill and back on heroin. I hope that you will get off all the drugs as well. I do believe that you could, if you would give up heroin, detox and stay clean.

Gledwood said...

Furtheron: It's going to be another 3 months or so till I can come off methadone all together but I really cannot wait to be 100% drug-free...

Taffeta: if Seroquel doesn't turn out to be OK for me I'll try and get a psych appointment and ask to be transferred to a mood stabilizer. I'm taking Seroquel for its mood stabilizing properties anyhow...

Annie: a lot of people say they get bed-spins and stuff like that off of cannabis but I haven't smoked cannabis in years!

Buggerlugz: "the big and smalls" is a good name for it...

I know I can't use on top of methadone if I want to come off it. I keep telling myself this. Luckily the dealer has shit now so in effect I've weaned myself off without trying. I've just gotta be strong enough to stay off all the way through because once I get off methadone I have to stay off all opiates for the rest of my life...

Akelamalu: last time I bought any was last night and it was very week. I'm confident I've managed to wean myself off it as I felt fine today, have drunk the methadone and am OK

Syd: I have been thinking of going into a detox unit to come off the very last of my methadone and I will do that if I absolutely have to. What I'm intending to do is just withdraw from methadone very gently over a few weeks... but to do that I must have no heroin at all in my system. So I am making a new start as of today, not to use anything at all on top of my script...

Anonymous said...

Gleds I'm on 35mls of MMT and I dare not reduce it anyomore as much as I want to untill I know I can go weeks infact months without having a dabble.
The gear is terrible and occasionaly there will be a nice bit going about and then it will be pure bash again,and it will continue like this till forever since the Taliban no longer rule producer has become consumer, there saving the gud shit for them selfs, wre as before they shipped it as far away from them selfs to the west, and now what ever comes our way is just pure craP.
I use as often as I can tbh, mainly on a payday but as soon as that runs out thinking spending it all so that i dont have money for any more will work and stop me using not the case.
Infact it makes it worse knowing I dont have the money for it its all mind games.I remeber I probably spend alot less 10-15 yrs ago on it, but these days it hardly tutches me and I have to spend 30 quids worth just to feel it, and even then its just benzo's, but without preaching dont consider coming off anymore untill you strong inuff to do without completely, as a test.
My drug workers will let me take as much as I want but there often reluctant to letting me reduce any more due to the fact that they know it will effect me more.
The thing I can't get over is its all poor quality, and to be honest you know as well as me its not worth it any more but our heart heads tell us other wise.
I could remember when the rank taste made me spew my guts up with a beutifull warm glow unside when having a blast, but now all I can taste is the sweet bash which tastes like tamazepam as they have a sweet taste to them, well the gears got that to. Ok it still gives you a nod but its not the Opiate nod I think we are over paying for Benzo's when ppl are calling it gear. You are not in the same boat alone. Except I do feel a rattle when I dont use and I think its a benzo one if that,.
Eventually there is less and less addicts now, less people getting hooked on gear, as I said before there keeping the good stuff for them selfs now, as there is nobody stopping them, and i dont think it will ever change so time to say good bye to it all and get high off life instead, because I can not see it changing unless something drastic happens, like the Taliban ruling Afghan again,before it was there way of poisining the west, but now there's nobody controlling the drugs so ther keeping it all for themselfs, as before the Taliban banned it's use. Hell they even have methadone in Afghanistan now something I never thought would happen but last year in 2011 sometime they now prescribe so who nows whats gunna happen good luck to the future, and stry stay strong.

Jude said...

I take suboxone, suppose to take 2 nasty orange 8mg film strips. I hate it, I hate the taste, the way I feel on it, and the fact that I have absouloutly no energy for anything at the same time I am soo anxious to do SOMETHING. I can not sleep on the suboxone at ALL. I take trazodone to sleep, and atenolol for my headaches (chronic migranes) and promethazine for my nausea. I would be on anti depressants and something for my bipolar and mood issues. But my mother insists on coming to my dr appointments every month, and doesn't believe I need them. This week I will ask her not to come. It seems to me that the suboxone is creating more issues for me then I would have if I were using heroin (occasionally I will not take my dose of suboxone and withdrawl for a bit, then score, the gear here is disgusting but I know of a few legitimate hookups)
I absouloutly despise medication. I hate taking a handful of pills every day just to feel like shit.. One day I will be off of everything (hopefully) but for now I will give the quacks (drs) what they want and try it their way.
Chin up, whether suboxone or methadone or subutex, it all sucks. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Anna Grace said...

Glewood love,
What you are experinceing is mild withdrawl symptoms. Weaning off methadone isn't harsh like coming off heroin is. I've had the same sympotms the many times i've gone off methadone.

No mystery love.

Anna Grace