Friday, 2 March 2012
WELL that was a depressing last post wasn't it! I only feel as bleak as that when I look forward in life. Looking forward makes me full of angst. I never used to look forward when I was using heroin every day, except to make unrealistic goals. Strangely, as a constant drug abuser, I lived much more in the moment than I ever do now. NA talk about learning to live in the moment, but I did learn to do that ~ on drugs. I have to say, it was only when I was stoned that I really lived in the moment, but still. (When I wasn't stoned I just looked forward to getting and taking the heroin.) I'm finding it very hard getting used to life without that stuff, even though I still use it about once a week it's not as integral to me as heroin once was. Unless I get the stuff right into my collapsing veins I really cannot feel it. I've tried and tried smoking it but feel no effect at all. I can't help wondering whether smoking heroin is just psychological in other people too. I haven't felt smoked heroin since right back in the early days, and even then as I built a habit up, the high faded into practically nothing. During the peak of my using the only effect I really felt off heroin was the buzz as it went straight into my vein. The after-effects just felt like tiredness and heaviness making me sleepy ~ not even a particularly pleasant drowsiness. I don't know. I've wasted years chasing after that stuff. I'm determined to learn to live life without it.
I always told myself I would give myself two years of positively trying to go somewhere in a drug-free lifestyle before I ever gave up and decided life really wasn't worth living. I know it's partially depression that made me feel that way. But it's also having little purpose in life, nowhere secure to live and little social life that depresses me on top.
My finger is way better though it still won't straighten out properly. I don't know whether it ever will. I shook hands with someone the other day without being put in agony, so that was a good sign. Plus I can type with that finger without it feeling too much of a stretch. I have to remember to keep doing exercises where I stretch the finger out and spread out then clench a fist. I don't think I'm doing them enough. I can do 100 fist clenches in a row without pain and I can push my bad finger down and straighten it out without it hurting either, so those must be good signs.
I have found out a bit about the Mariana Trench. Apparently it's not just a crack in the ocean floor the way you'd imagine ~ no steep sides. It's more like a hollow that starts about 20,000 ft down, plunging another 15,000 ft (3 miles) further. The hollow is actually 43 miles wide, so 43 miles by 3 miles doesn't look like a pit. Even though it's called an abyss, it actually has gently sloping sides. Although the Mariana Trench is only 43 miles wide, it's over 1000 miles long.
I hope y'all liked the Netflix hamsters ad. I was looking and looking for the British one because it has cuter voices. But I cannot find it. Someone please put that advert on Youtube!
My internet junkie friend Anna Grace is in Hawaii now and using black tar heroin out there. She's lucky enough to get to swim in tropical seas ~ even though they are infested with box jellyfish, at least they're nice and warm.
I hope you have a charming weekend everyone. I have to go and do my laundry now. I have a doctor's appointment next week, where I'm going to ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist, and try and change my medication to Quetiapine. Please please let me change to quetiapine...
Take care everyone :-)