Just Another Normally Abnormal Day

I AM WRITING this quickly between the drug clinic and the supermarket. I'm off to buy pasta and Lloyd Grossman even though I haven't much appetite for either. I have been in a bad mood today. But then, of course, in the drug clinic I get babbling away and I'm in an "elevated mood" again. Yes every other day I was going hyper. Then I'd think I felt normal for a day. Though I was still abnormally excitable. Then hyper again.

Then up for 2.5-3 days (no sleep). My sleep has gone so terrible that even when I do get 5 or 6 hours, it feels like nothing and I only know I've slept because the time has vanished. Yesterday I eventually managed to slip off between at about 11am and I stayed mostly asleep till 11pm. And I managed to sleep from about 4am till 9am. So I thought I was doing really well. Until I got up and had been up for a few hours and realized I was feeling hyper again. I really like being hyper by the way. It's way better than feeling "normal", especially when that normal entails feeling run-down, peeved, stressed and exhausted. That is no type of "normal" and I shall never accept it as such. So I'd rather be in an overblown hyper elevated and irritable mood any day of the week. It's just the lack of sleep that starts getting to me. True I may well need less sleep in such a state, but there's insomnia there as well. Otherwise I wouldn't get so knackered out.

Well I still can't eat properly. Last night I ran down the chicken shop to get 2 "strip burgers" and 2 fries for £2. Even though I hate chicken shop and McDonald's style skinny fries I felt I had to eat them because I'd paid for them. So I stuffed half into my face and felt instantly nauseated. Then I managed one burger over the span of about 4 hours. Then, as I say I fell asleep after 4. And managed the second strip burger in the morning. I really wasn't in a good mood. And my methadone feels like it isn't holding me. So the duty druggieworker said I should take just a one week script for 18mg methadone and try to use nothing at all on top of it, because the way it's declining now, heroin is just going to mess it up. I only bought heroin this morning because I had money and a bad, bad mood. Being as I cannot even "use" coffee (or tea) nowadays because they are just too destabilizing, I suppose I cannot use heroin either. I gave up caffeine entirely about 15 years ago, by the way, because I thought it was doing me no good. And surprise surprise the free-floating anxiety I had nearly all the time VANISHED. Which has really put me off habitual tea-drinking ever since. (It was strong tea I was on, not even coffee.) Also there was at least one time when a few cups of coffee seemed to completely flip me out (though I was in psychotic mania at the time). And another when four cups of tea (over a good 2-3 hours) made me hyper and high, then weird and high and depressed at once and then pretty paranoid so that I felt like a mental hospital inmate. And I thought: no. And people wonder why I don't want to go near crack!

I've got another doctor's appointment this week and I'm going to have to ask for something for anxiety and sleep. Severe anxiety is one symptom I just cannot put up with. At least when you're depressed into catatonia a doctor will take that seriously. Anxiety is taken as a sign of weakness. Doctors NEVER take it seriously. I remember a patient at the mental hospital who had severe generalized anxiety (no depression). He was so obviously suffering; he was frozen in fear. Yet one other inmate in particular said he "wasn't a proper nutter" because he wasn't acting out (ie wasn't bipolar manic like the person who said this). And the staff gave him precisely NOTHING. Most certainly because he didn't make enough of a pain of himself.

Well I've got to go. Normal shcnormal. What is "Normal" anyhow? It's something I've never wanted to be. Thank you Anna Grace for writing a post just for me. And cheery-bye everyone...


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16:45 JUST FOR YOU BEVERLY BLEACHED BLONDE BEACH BABE
MADONNA: LUCKY STAR
listen to that voice ~~ a classic from her "Minnie Mouse on Helium" period~!
~~~~~~~and doesn't Madge look young!!!!!!!~~~~~~~


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