Monday, 21 January 2013

A Lazy Ice Heart full of Excuses

THE WORLD is icy cold and snowy and my heart feels cold as midwinter London. All the excitement (over nothing) of the past few weeks has gone and now I'm feeling gloomy and down. And tired, and achey. And I've been making up for lost sleep ~ snoozing round the clock, rather than spending a day and a half or so up, then going to bed and STILL not really wanting to sleep. I'm fed up of feeling like a road accident. Some days I went to bed feeling like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and was covered in scratches. No pleasant drowsiness at all. Just a feeling that I'd totally overdone it, and now I was ill. 

These days, when I have been felt "high", I have avoided moving around too much or pacing, because that makes me exhausted and the whole process worsens. You know a lot of people feel there is nothing wrong with me and, in a way, so do I. 

Looking back, apart from wanting to know the name of whatever it was that had been bugging me for years, the One Reason I every chased a diagnosis was that I was so fed up of having to deal with the consequences of SOMETHING, which was far in excess of ordinary drug-addiction (I'm the only person I know who ever let my benefits which could pay for drugs RUN OUT ~ not once, but twice ~ because I felt too depressed and unworthy to claim them)... My life in a mess. Bills not paid, debts not sorted out. Most other drug-addicts I know were like this to an extent. But in me, things reached an extreme. I don't know what it's called except DAMN LAZINESS. Then I find out Laziness is actually a symptom! And so I find I've got my "Excuse". Except that psychiatric labels excuse nothing. I still have to cope with life and I'm still not coping. I don't think that I will ever be OK.

All in all I can't wait till this is over ...


karl said...

I know I've said this before but I'm going to say it again anyway !
"You need to spend energy in order to get it and laziness breeds lethargy !" but then again a lot depends upon what's going on in your head.
Life is short and precious try not to wish it away, but roll on summertime. X

Bev said...

Karls right.
Im feeling dormant lately to.Its very cold and when Im alone I think to much.Thinking isnt good for me.
But I drift off and my concentration is poor when Im pensive & sad.
Chicken soup kisses Buttercups.

Anonymous said...

I can't sign in to my own blog for some reason, so I've been trying to reply to Bev (at mine) on and off since 7am! Hi bev and thanks x
I dare say you don't wanna hear it but Karl is right . . The less you do, the less you want to do. Laziness is a sympton of depression. You have to start by doing things, small things. I know it sounds obvious . . . I've been given charts to fill in at CBT which prove to me (even though I knew, of course ;-) That the more I do, the higher my pleasure and acheivement ratings go up (even if it's only from 2 to 3) it's still up . . . and sometimes even my mood goes up with them!
We are designed to "do" end of.
And we can fight this as much as we want but spending energy creates energy.
Why do I feel like you might want to spit at this comment ;-)
Hey ho! It's the big five-O for me today and I can't access my Blog!!
I hope I can post this.
All said with love, as always x x x
Can't sign in here either!

Anonymous said...

O it's bugerlugs by the way (the anon above)

Anonymous said...

Bugger Bugger Bugger . . . I can't write a post on my 50th Birthday . . . I had photos too . . . Boo bledy Hoo!!
I might have to come and write a post in your comment section . . . I'll have to think of something. Back soon x x

Syd said...

It's difficult but perhaps just getting up and out to take a class or volunteer somewhere would help you. If I can force myself to do something for someone else, even something simple, then I feel better. I hope that the malaise will pass, Gleds. Take care.

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds did you ever get checked out for SAD ?
There seems to be a recurring pattern for you at this time of year - try and get out for a bit of a walk each day and increase the distance or time a little every couple of days. Be kind to yourself.

Baino said...

I like Syd's suggestion. Sometimes you just have to get out of bed, get out of the house. Plan an adventure.

Gledwood said...

OK I'm trying to come up with a plan to move myself.

SAD Bimbimbie? Well I get the symptoms, but they can happen at any time of year. I've also been manic high in winter so it's not technically "seasonal" but it does have the symptoms (little sleep, a LOT of sleep... little sleep, a LOT of sleep)... and so on.