HEROIN IS A DRUG TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY

THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HEROIN



Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Dazzlingly Lucid!

I HAD A CRAZY morning. I noticed I felt a bit hyper and high yesterday afternoon and I went higher in the night and ended up copying out pages of Japanese characters. I couldn't sleep a wink. By the mid-morning my mind was pinging all over the place. If you want some entertainment, go see the post I put up around 11am. My mind was overwhelmed with ideas but I just could not compose myself to compose a coherent post and I was racing so fast I lost track long before fingers on keys could even attempt to keep up. All the while I was running lower and lower on time. Eventually I just had to click "Publish" before I got timed out.

By the way, the micro-pigs were relevant. For some reason I felt it necessary to say in Japanese, would you like to be a micro-pig, or a stream, or a dwarf?

I can't spent long here; I'm going to try and catch up on lost sleep, but I have the distinct impression my sleep has switched poles. Lately my sleep disturbance has grown very extreme. By my calculation I spent more than three quarters of the weekend unconscious. Not just duvet-diving to avoid the world (though I was doing that too) but hibernating in bed, sleeping deeply all through the day ~ and the night as well.

The doctors' surgery annoyed me this morning. I put in my repeat prescription request for my antipsychotics early because I seem to have lost a week's worth of pills. The form came back covered in highlighter pen saying it was far too early and alledging that I must have been bingeing on my own medication. This was signed by a doctor I have never seen and never want to see. When my friend Pinky also registered at this surgery, she was unlucky enough to see this Doctor Arse, as she is called (by me), who saw fit to question the value of prescribing her 750mg of Seroquel XR (which costs about £70 or $100 a pack) when dirt cheap alternatives like haloperidol with its loathesome side-effects cost pennies (and no wonder ~ that's all it's worth). Then she queried Pinky's fentanyl patch with the special dressing that stops it peeling off. Without fentanyl (an extremely powerful opioid analgesic) Pinky would be bedridden and in agony. She needs a knee replacement. Many days she can barely walk.

O man my attention span is still in bits; I forget where I was going with this.

Instead of buying heroin I've been buying CDs (I did buy a tiny bit of heroin but it did precious NOTHING). I got some pretty banging tunes by DJ TiĆ«sto and a weird CD for £1 brand new that appears to be blank (no wonder it was cheap) I also bought Adele 21 thinking it must be good because so many people have bought it (it's outsold Michael Jackson's Thriller in the UK). How wrong I was. I hadn't realized Adele was behind that awful dirge "could have had it better" ~ if I'd known that I'd have gone nowhere near it. I gave it to Pinky and did a good salesman job saying I might detest it, but four million other people can't be wrong. By the way that woman has packed on so very many pounds she managed to go seven months pregnant without anybody realizing ~~ Adele that is, not Pinxx.

Today I bought Madonna's True Blue ~ a real 1986 blast from the past. Plus something called Everything Is Wrong by Moby.

Now what was I going to say?

Yeah I keep getting extreme mood swings. In the last seven days I've been hypomanic at least twice. Plus this morning I had full-on mania. Well it's better than being depressed. I cleaned my toilet with bleach, did the cooker top with shower cubicle spray (pound shop best) and cleaned my sink. My kitchenette is gleaming.

I'm giving the antipsychotics a break. There's nothing wrong with an Elevated Mood. Obviously I'm hoping for more Elevation. I did get fed up of people throwing me funny looks this morning. What a paradox: on no drugs I go highest of all.

Actually, come to think of it, that is completely crazy. How can they call a condition where you don't just feel Better Than Well, but Better Than Ever a psychotic mental disease? That's ridiculous.

Well I've got to go. Sainsbury's are selling Lloyd Grossman for £1 so I got Italianesque gunk called Puttanesca "I love this delicious combination of sun ripened tomatoes [what other kind of tomatoes is there?], black olives and anchovies," he drones. ~~I've got a plate of stuffed mushroom pasta fantasmagoria'd with the stuff. I lost my appetite last week. Which is all to the good. Quetiapine is notorious for turning nutters into great fat wobbling tubs of lard ~ I'm pretty sure I still weigh at least 185lbs (down from 200). I might ~ shock of shocks ~ actually lose a few lbs instead of packing on more pork.

I must dash. Lloyd Grossman's literally calling my name. Ukk ~ OK, not literally; I forgot for a moment there that I'm a schizo. If I did hear voices today they wre so mixed up in the background of bizarreness, it was mere more disquiet drizzled over mass-peculiarity.

These are two of Moby's best tracks. Very good.

PS I actually took a proper shower this morning. Instead of a glorified stripwash. Wow, I must have been feelin' good ☺.

Before you ping away, do go and be entertained by the manic crap I avalanched this morning. BTW in Japanese I was asking, what would you rather be, a little river, a little pig or a little person.

FEELING SO REAL



BRING BACK MY HAPPINESS

top tunes!!



Illustrated: a tub of lard ~ what Seroquel turns you into...


6 comments:

Bev said...

Your the bounciest!Im trying to think what Tigger says.I will like to be a little river or stream then a little person or a little pig.If I was a satream I will feel calm and relaxing and make my own waves may be even a splash.I love water noise.XoXoIm going to have egg drop my favorite with extra noodles I like the noodles on the mushy side so I put them in quick before I eat it.I will be thinking of you my sweet heart while Im eatig it.Im getting lost in your posts I been all a round your blog like a cheap suit.XoXoXo

Anna Young said...

So now you are taking medical advice from some person on the internet and your parents who, from what I've read of what you've written about them, they don't know your day to day life. I could be wrong about your parents who knows maybe you talk to them everyday about everything? Still your parents and a reader of your blog are NOT qualified to tell you what medications you should take or not take. I think you know this, but you are only hearing what you wanna hear. You want to get high w/o drugs. I'm hear to tell you, you are playing a VERY DANGEROUS game. Fuck, you may as well buy a revolver put a bullet in the chamber, spin it and put it to your head, pull the trigger aka Russian rulette.
You would be better of taking E and getting high that way, its probably less dangerous.
I don't fucking understand why if a medication is not working and you've given it a fair shot for more than a few days, why you don't call the shrink and explain to them
What the hell is going on. Doctors are qualified to tell to not take a med, not family members, friends, or even bloggers.
Sorry for the foul language. When I read you took advice from non professionals I almost flipped my lid. I care about my cyber husband.
xx

Anna Young said...

No offence Burgerless or Gled's family.

Bev said...

hI Baby I was dreaming of you last night and you are sweet!LoveXoXOXoBTW Tigger says bounthiest not how I wrote it.

Syd said...

I hope that you will see your doctor and get a professional's view on your meds.

GLEDWOOD said...

FUCKING THING JUST TIMED ME OUT WITHOUT WARNING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF COMMENTING. OK SO I TRY YET AGAIN.

BEV: you dreamed about me? Wow I'm so flattered!

Anna: I do hear you though I think they'd probably want to up the Seroquel yet again. 300mg isn't that much. My friend Pinky is on 750 ~ the ordinary maximum... Then again I read some research on quetiapine monotherapy (ie using Seroquel as the sole medication for bipolar disorder) and it said it worked really well on bipolar depression and 300mg and 600mg seemed equally effective. I've heard antipsychotics don't necessarily work any better at higher doses, you're just more likely to get more side-effects (lovely!)

Don't worry if it gets really bad I'm going straight to the hospital. No fucking way am I looking after myself through another severe psychotic episode. I'm pissed off that I didn't go in last time after my shrink said I should have been in there. The peak of the episode came 3 days into it and lasted 5 days. I was so intensely manic I just ended up screaming in the middle of the room and as far as I remember I did that for about four hours a day, every day of those 5 days. It was really really intense, like a road drill going off in my head. I literally felt like my brain had gone into outer space and that my body was turning into pure energy. When it came down a bit afterwards I had this weird feeling that my feet were physically on the ground again. I didn't feel that in the mania. I literally felt like I was flying. (It was actually pretty amazing. I'm really glad I experienced it. AND it was better than drugs.)

I couldn't take an Ecstasy. Someone offered me free crack this morning and I sumarily turned him down. No way can I risk taking ANY uppers. I'm frightened even to drink coffee after it seemed to really flip me out last time...

Don't worry if I do start flipping out I promise I will get help. The nuthouse is really easy to get to from here.

SYD: I have a feeling they will put it up. The problem is Seroquel is really nice, and I don't get horrible side-effects. Risperidone, the last stuff, gave me anxiety and panic attacks. I mean that is RIDICULOUS from a drug that's supposed to calm you down. I looked up the side-effect profile of the other "new generation neuroleptics" on the market and quite a lot had that profile, or included insomnia as a side-effect (and I'm really sensitive to that kind of side-effect, I remember Prozac made it really hard to sleep. It also made me high. And the last time I took antidepressants I went high then really really low and stayed really low for over a month until my drugs worker said "It's those pills you're taking", sure enough I stopped and was better within days. I can't take antidepressants without a mood stabilizer and I don't really want a mood stabilizer because I'm scared of it making my mood completely flat. Which would just be so boring... O I don't know!!