HEROIN IS A DRUG TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY

THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HEROIN



Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Fridge Defrosting...

I WOKE UP in a real bad mood, seeing as I have "given up heroin for ever" (yes this is only setting me up for yet another fall, so stay tuned for much amusement when it happens)... anyway I have no intention of ever touching that noxious crap again.


All that bullshit they come out with at methadone clinics, that if you are going to use brown you should smoke it. I cannot feel anything at all from any method of ingestion except intravenous injection, and then I just feel a flush of life flowing into my veins (that's what it feels like anyhow, you may think of it as death, but I always felt it as kind and gentle and fluffy. And when I did take it again after several hours' enforced abstinence (as I'd been out on the streets begging up more B-money) and came back cold and drenched and knackered, it really did feel like life itself rushing back into my veins.

Anyway that's all in the past. So I was in a bad mood over that. And the fact that my drugs worker had gone and made me a 10am appointment. When such early appointments are made I'm always extremely glad to have them early and out of the way with. Then the day comes and I don't want to get out of bed. 300mg of quetiapine really doesn't help with this.

My worker was being all sarky telling me to wake up etc, when I felt completely brain dead and empty and just not with it. All this could easily, by the way, be a part of my "illness" as much as it ever was drug-induced, I've never actually needed drugs to feel gone-out and wuzzy (CFS makes you feel like that in a big way). You just have to look at a room full of schizophrenics (and just about everybody on a mental ward who isn't manic or depressed is schizophrenic) to see how gone-out the condition can make a person. As for feeling hyped up and excited, I don't need drugs for that either. When it happens naturally it's just called a "manic episode", or if milder, a hypomanic one. So I don't need drugs for any of this. All through the years I've been accused loads of times of being on drugs when I was totally off them. (I'm talking right back through the years before I was on heroin.) Partly this is because my friends seemed to make the annoying assumption that my depressed self was somehow the real me. So when I'm suddenly dazzlingly sparky, witty and more with it than they'll ever be I absolutely have to be on drugs. Actually THAT is the real me. I'd love to be able to say the realest me only manifests in full-on mania when it reaches mindblowing intensity. But if that's so I'm a very self-centred person who doesn't give a flying crap for anyone else's thoughts or feelings or anything they have to say. In fact when I really was manic my capacity for empathy nearly disappeared. When you feel multiple trillions of volts of energy flowing straight through your brain you do tend to get like that.

Well anyway so life is really boring now. No heroin for ever. It's not like I didn't make the decision before ~ and stick to it for weeks ~ but back then I had a consistently "elevated mood" (my psychiatrist's diagnosis) (in other words I was really manic for ages and ages, I felt so up I couldn't imagine being depressed ever again ~ ha! How wrong I was..! What I'm doing now, if you want to know the difference, is I'm making a commitment to stop heroin for good. If I don't do this, I'll never manage the full community methadone detox.

The only excitement of today is me defrosting my fridge with a gallon to a gallon-and-a-half of ice in it. It's the really oldfashioned type of fridge my nana used to have with a tiny ice-making compartment just about big enough for a tub of ice cream. Most of the meltwater went on the floor until I realized that if I took out the salad compartment it could drip directly down into that. So the floors shouldn't have collapsed with sogginess when I get back.

The guy diagonal from me in this internet caff is watching some really dirty porn set in an expensive-looking Mediterranean villa. I think if the owner came back suddenly he'd be disgusted to know where his antique silver candlesticks have just been! How come the swimming pools in these places are always a mandy shade of blue? When I get my own I'm having electric blue with laser lighting. Or bright yellow. Or maybe purple and yellow in the deep end, electric blue in the shallow end.

O well there's nowt more to write. O yeah except my electric meter seems to have something wrong with it. It went to emergency what feels like two days ago and already I'm on £3.95 debit! (The emergency limit is £6.) Meaning it's probably going to hit that limit about twelve hours before it's convenient to do so. I know I could stop watching Judge Judy but how barren would life be without Real Housewives of New York and Orange County and her? Only Real Housewives show I liked was New Jersey with that very damaged woman ~ the one at odds with those cliquey Italian sisters. I could never work out whether I liked her or loathed her or just felt sorry for her...

The satellite shop said they could put in German TV, dish, box, everything for £150. That's not bad. And you get at least 90 free channels. You can also get French and German TV from the same dish, if you get a multi-satellite feed (not a motorized dish: the dish stays in the same place but it has multiple dinkadonks on it receiving different satellite positions) so maybe I'll ask for that. If it's just £10 extra. Which I don't think it will be...

Well I gotta go now. Listen to this top tune. Lots of DONK-DONK-DONK...



IF YOU WANT 3 HOURS OF NONSTOP DONK, CLICKONTHIS:~~~
The first 4 mins is crap, so bear with it...
BEVERLYBABE, this is for you. Keep it on and keep it going LOUD... The best traxx are at 17 mins 20 and 47 mins...




Illustrated: this is what my fridge looks like; German TV Guide; electric key-meter, like mine......

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7 comments:

Bev said...

Thank you for the music Gledwood.I never heared music this fast before.
I like to see you with lemon yellow hair.I bet it looks hot on you!Do you have blue eyes or gray?Mine are blue and they just stare right back at you when Im flirty.
Do you have to say your quiting for good?Things are always harder for me if its for definite.May be you can resist and indulge in years from now.He knew he will quit until he is 55 and then like he said he began again.I dont know why.But Im not smoker I am a heavy drinker.One bottle a day is a lot right?
I am loosing self disipline I use to hae.Every thing is more hard for me now.
I use to watch Real Housewives of NJ but after a while those women and there hubbys got on my nerves.To demanding.Are you writing about the red headed lady or the pony tail lady?Or may be the one who gets mad all the time and screams?
Im sorry your in a bad mood.I have bad moods to.But I know how to make my self happier then any one else.May be I like my self to much?
Heres a big smacking quenching Frenh kiss for your Hot Manliness XoXoxo

Anna Young said...

Hey there hon,

I've answered your comments at "mine". Now onto you...i thought you had your own personal computer, and now I read you're blogging at some dark dank internet shop, where you pay a meter like some peep show. You deserve better. You must've had your own pc when I first began reading. Is this why your blogs have become much shorter and a bit less intement.

I think Bev has a little thing for the mysterious Gleds. Hahaha, like me a year or two ago. Now I know better, even if by chance I were in London and happened to come across you in a checkout line, you would notice me from my photos and still not say hello, much less meet me at a pub still love you anyway....words got scrambled at the end. (for an ale.) Should be after meet me at the pub.
Ttyl
xx
Anna Grace

bugerlugs63 said...

I use a good £2 a day electric on emergency (it's more expensive per unit) The washing machine uses the most.
I remember when you dyed your hair white and looked like a rock-star with shades an all ;-)
I also feel like the slightly manic version of me is the "real" me; who I should be and how I function best, and most efficiently . . . If I could just stabilize there, but then I wonder, does anyone really? No-one is always at their best . . . but then, not being at one's best shouldn't mean being so down and zombified. That's how I feel, leaden. Blurghhh.
Anyway, here's hoping you wake up feeling lighter and happy to be on the road to freedom . . .
With love x
Ps, I always agree to stupidly early appts too "Yeah, yeah, 9 am, thats' fine" even as I'm saying it, I know it wont be fine.

Bev said...

My face is all red.Ana Grace is a little bit right.I am very amorous of Gledwood.
I cant wriite more but I an willing to be just fiends with him.
Love to you & Bugerlugs & Anna Grace.
To much wine sedating my head and I will kiss you good night GledoodXOxOxo

xo lilly (my life unspoken) said...

gleds.... i had to scrape the ice out of my freezer fan the other day. stupidly i forgot to turn it off but luckily i didnt slip with the knife i was carving itwith. lots of love mate.... been quiet at moment. turning my blog into a book and having to type all my original scanned diary entries into type. its taking ages but reading them properly to put them to type is bringing back a lot of memories....good and bad. lol. xox lilly

Bev said...

Sorry this is all off the subject.I was 5 minutes away from sleep when I wrote that.Wine makes me mushy.XoXoxo

Gledwood said...

Sorry I somehow missed these comments...

BEV: yeah that kind of music is the kind of braindead crap British youth fry their brains to in raves and nightclubs and don't I just love it! (The music, that is. Not the brain-frying.)

Yeah I once saw a picture of Madonna with yellowish hair that looked wet and very very artificial and I thought that was an incredibly cool look. It was a unisex look. Nothing girly about it at all. I think I will have to go to Camden Town to get fluorescent yellow hair dye and before that I have to get it white. Which on my hair is really easy, it goes straight from dust-coloured to blond to white without a red stage.

A bottle of spirits a day? Yeah that's quite a lot. I used to drink equivalent to just over a bottle of spirits a day, but when I drank that heavily I had blackouts all the time.

The Real Housewives of NJ one I mean is named Danielle Staub. The wikipedia article said she was the only member of the group not to have known the others before shooting.

BTW she boasted about living in a $1.5 million home. I used to live in a $2 million house ~ rented of course ~ but that was an infamous crackhouse for miles around. London propertly is REALLY expensive. Even Madonna thinks so......

ANNA: yes you're right Beverly and I are having an online affair. Pretty much.

No my computer broke about a year ago and I despair about ever getting it fixed. Gotta send it off next Tues

BUGERLUGS: yes hypomanic is definitely real and it's NOT an illness... there's even a book out there called The Hypomanic Edge about high energy high power individuals like Bill Clinton claiming he was permanently hypomanic.

(That's why the diagnostic criteria for bipolar 1 require just one manic episode but bipolar 2 requires at least one hypomnanic episode and one depressive episode: just being hypomanic is NOT mental illness.)

LILY: a few years ago there was a spate of blog books. I heard the publishers will usually want at least 50% (if not more) new material. But what do I no. I never approached a publisher or literary agent.

BEVERLY: there is nothing to be ashamed of hot pash on the internet. That's what the internet is FOR!!

Well kind of.

(...)