HEROIN IS A DRUG TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY

THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HEROIN



Monday 13 August 2012

Just Another Normally Abnormal Day

I AM WRITING this quickly between the drug clinic and the supermarket. I'm off to buy pasta and Lloyd Grossman even though I haven't much appetite for either. I have been in a bad mood today. But then, of course, in the drug clinic I get babbling away and I'm in an "elevated mood" again. Yes every other day I was going hyper. Then I'd think I felt normal for a day. Though I was still abnormally excitable. Then hyper again.
Then up for 2.5-3 days (no sleep). My sleep has gone so terrible that even when I do get 5 or 6 hours, it feels like nothing and I only know I've slept because the time has vanished. Yesterday I eventually managed to slip off between at about 11am and I stayed mostly asleep till 11pm. And I managed to sleep from about 4am till 9am. So I thought I was doing really well. Until I got up and had been up for a few hours and realized I was feeling hyper again. I really like being hyper by the way. It's way better than feeling "normal", especially when that normal entails feeling run-down, peeved, stressed and exhausted. That is no type of "normal" and I shall never accept it as such. So I'd rather be in an overblown hyper elevated and irritable mood any day of the week. It's just the lack of sleep that starts getting to me. True I may well need less sleep in such a state, but there's insomnia there as well. Otherwise I wouldn't get so knackered out.

Well I still can't eat properly. Last night I ran down the chicken shop to get 2 "strip burgers" and 2 fries for £2. Even though I hate chicken shop and McDonald's style skinny fries I felt I had to eat them because I'd paid for them. So I stuffed half into my face and felt instantly nauseated. Then I managed one burger over the span of about 4 hours. Then, as I say I fell asleep after 4. And managed the second strip burger in the morning. I really wasn't in a good mood. And my methadone feels like it isn't holding me. So the duty druggieworker said I should take just a one week script for 18mg methadone and try to use nothing at all on top of it, because the way it's declining now, heroin is just going to mess it up. I only bought heroin this morning because I had money and a bad, bad mood. Being as I cannot even "use" coffee (or tea) nowadays because they are just too destabilizing, I suppose I cannot use heroin either. I gave up caffeine entirely about 15 years ago, by the way, because I thought it was doing me no good. And surprise surprise the free-floating anxiety I had nearly all the time VANISHED. Which has really put me off habitual tea-drinking ever since. (It was strong tea I was on, not even coffee.) Also there was at least one time when a few cups of coffee seemed to completely flip me out (though I was in psychotic mania at the time). And another when four cups of tea (over a good 2-3 hours) made me hyper and high, then weird and high and depressed at once and then pretty paranoid so that I felt like a mental hospital inmate. And I thought: no. And people wonder why I don't want to go near crack!

I've got another doctor's appointment this week and I'm going to have to ask for something for anxiety and sleep. Severe anxiety is one symptom I just cannot put up with. At least when you're depressed into catatonia a doctor will take that seriously. Anxiety is taken as a sign of weakness. Doctors NEVER take it seriously. I remember a patient at the mental hospital who had severe generalized anxiety (no depression). He was so obviously suffering; he was frozen in fear. Yet one other inmate in particular said he "wasn't a proper nutter" because he wasn't acting out (ie wasn't bipolar manic like the person who said this). And the staff gave him precisely NOTHING. Most certainly because he didn't make enough of a pain of himself.

Well I've got to go. Normal shcnormal. What is "Normal" anyhow? It's something I've never wanted to be. Thank you Anna Grace for writing a post just for me. And cheery-bye everyone...


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16:45 JUST FOR YOU BEVERLY BLEACHED BLONDE BEACH BABE
MADONNA: LUCKY STAR
listen to that voice ~~ a classic from her "Minnie Mouse on Helium" period~!
~~~~~~~and doesn't Madge look young!!!!!!!~~~~~~~


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24 comments:

Bev said...

Sweety.I dont think theres any normal.Its just whose definition you go by.And every body got a definition for every thing.You stoped cafeine all together?I feel slumpy with out my tea.Its just ice tea but helps me get things done.Hope your mood is better.Heres a bunch of super hot sexy kisses you better close your curtains.Use them where ever you need to even to eat that delish looking Loyd Grossman sauce.I dont think we have his sause here but it sure looks good!XoXOxo

GLEDWOOD said...

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BEV: I only ever touch caffeine when I feel like a spot of minor drug-abuse. Even one cup of tea is like being on drugs, if you're like me.

No darling, I don't wanna be "normal" at all. I can't think of anything worse. But I would at least like the luxury of being that way sometimes (sometimes)).

It's weird you don't have Loyd Grossman sauces out there. I didn't expect you would, seeing as he's mainly known through his own food shows on the BBC. But he actually comes from Philadelphia (I think) and is famous for this weird voice of his where he exaggerates the Englishness of vowels such as the rounded "ooeooh!" in "no rolls go below the pro some seconds ago"... (whatever) ...

Aargh: actually he comes from BOSTON Masochist-chew-sets

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081001085348AAfe4qR

if you google "Loyd Grossman accent" you get loads of entertainment. His style of speaking really is bizarrre. Like he's a complete yank trying to sound Posh British and overdoing it completely. If his cooking's anything like his speech, it's completely overladen with spicy garnish. (What am I saying ~~? I luuuuuurve such cuisine!)

Ice Tea ~ you'd have to make it super-strong for it to really do anything and then the tannin would probably be really cloying in yer gob. I drink dark brown tea with a dash of milk and two huge sugs. I cannot STAND artificial sweetener and I'm starting to agree with the considerable contingent of our society who believe Aspartame, which sneaks in everywhere, is the Devil's Work~~!

I've made a plate of Loyd Grossman on stuffed mushroom tortelloni but ~ as per usual ~ cannot stand to eat it straight away. So it's sitting on my sofa. (I DETEST food freezing cold from the fridge ~ don't you~?? Piping hot's not too good either. For me, lukewarm to room temperature rules the roost m'darling..~!!...//)

PS do you know what I used to look like wearing my old glasses..?

Like this... {%-/ total percentage-sign round the eyes type of look. Especially if I was wearing a Thai farm-labourer's wide-brimmed oriental straw hat~!!

Take care my BeverlyBabe. And don't let the Bed Bugs Bite..! (Or the Mozzies either!) Doncha get loads of mosquitos round by your way outside Chicago..? I heard you did. Specially Alabama to the deep south. You know Alabama always reminds me of wide-mouthed frogs, doncha know. Do you get loads of deep green slurry-accented drawling frogs out there? Don't you live near Anna Grace by the way? You know she is in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Isn't that near you? You should go see her!

If you DO have any lesbian froliciks, please DO be sure to post them up. In full verbal detail, with pin-sharp photographs and hi-def film of her innermost shudderings!


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Gledwood said...

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Liz Hinds said...

I hope you get something from the doctor. It took ages for me to get seroxat for my anxiety. I suppose even I thought it was just me being stupid. But it changed my life.

From finding it a struggle to go anywhere or even breathe sometimes I'm living normally and happily now. Admittedly it has wiped out any excess of emotion on my part so i don't feel a lot but that's a price worth paying.

DfromOH said...

What about caffeine free teas? I'm drinking sleepy time right now.. Have some trouble with insomnia myself, so trying it for the first time :-)

Anonymous said...

Gleds believe me you do NOT want nude photos of me whilst having lesbian sex. Bev might be better to look at. I'd write about it, but I'd leave out descriptions of my body in detail, at least not truthfully. I might make my body sound like a Greek goddess.

GLEDWOOD said...

LIZ: I know they say Prozac etc is good for anxiety. Except that it actually makes you MORE anxious to start with and mine is so severe that is a total non-option. (It's bad enough that for years I didn't even recognize "normal" anxiety for what it was, when they said I had it, I disagreed. Because the other one I get now and then is basically like a near panic-attack except it goes on for hours. The only thing I can think that works for it is Valium or clonazepam, which my friend is on and said I should have. But they don't like giving those because they say they're addictive. Even though Prozac is addictive. Seroxat is famously addictive. And Seroquel which I'm on anyway also has a "discontinuation syndrome" (ie it's addictive). Terrible terrible terrible!

D from OH: I think I should buy some herbal tea. Mint tea I really like. Cammomile is a bit mandy for my taste. I don't believe the herbal-ness is going to "do" anything except what it doesn't do ~~ ie send me off my head from all the caffeine that's not in it!

ANNA: I have never actually had any lesbian sex fantasies, I just like being rude.

Ukh maybe I shouldn't admit this. Why the hell a man should think of himself red-blooded because he wants to see 2 girls at it, I never did understand.

The only girl-on-girl action I really really like is a pair of well-dressed, imaculately groomed middle-aged women fighting. More specifically I mean the classic Dynasty catfights involving Joan Collins and Krystle Carrington and Joan Collins and Stephanie Beacham. That one is especially good with Stephanie pulling a demonic face while attemptedly scratching Alexis in the eyes with blood-red talons. The famous Lillypond Catfight is an all-time classic of American Television!




Bev said...

I love AnnaGrace and Buggerluggs and you Sweet Testosterone Hunk.I know Anna Grace loves girls but I only like men.Shes much prettier then Courtney Dont you think so?I love to meet with Anna and we will have a great time.Is Bugerluggs okay?Im going to gogle Loyd.Hes American and does his cooking in England?Is he Jewish BTW?So what are you up to Yumminess?

Bev said...

I drink may be a dozen tal glasses of ice tea and it all adds up.I like being hyper to♥XoXO

Gattina said...

See you remember what you did over the weekend ! Like my cats, sleeping, and then refuse to eat, because I had changed to another catfood. Considering the huge portions you get in England, which would feed a whole family in Belgium (we have mini hamburgers compared to yours) it's not amazing that you couldn't eat them all ! I couldn't even eat half of one it's too much. It looks as if you are between moon and stars according to your designs !

Bev said...

You dedicated the song to me and Im here to recieve it.Thank you Im honered and I love her singing this one.I got a short attention span.You know I agree with Gattina you should stick to the same cat food.You you tantalizing Tom cat.I will take you wit or with out the can.MMMMMMMM,your breath must smell so sexy after that cat food.I want to lick your tongeXoXoxo

bugerlugs63 said...

Hi!! Just a quickie ;-)
I'm back! ten days camping in North Wales . . beauster, loadsa stuff to tell and photos to post but it's 1am and I'm so tired. Got back yesterday but didn't switch laptop on till tonight as had so much washing etc to catch up on. Was gonna write a post but ended up catching up on blogs instead.
There was no reception for internet where we camped so I did ten days off-line!!
Really glad to be back (not at home, I mean on-line) I would rather be in between the mountains and the sea . . . what a place to be. Or by a river all day, the sort that is full of boulders to step across and along . . .
Ah well, Asda tomorrow then I will come home and write a post hopefully.
Real pleased that all is mostly well. Much love to you x x x

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Sorry you've had a bad few days and can't sleep but you're still doing well! What's with all the stars?

Love, Pat and Simi xx woof!

Bev said...

I just came from Anna Graces and if I read between the lines Im geting subliminal messages giving me the headsup on joining her for the sexcapade.Shes been coming on to me pretty strong I think.We are going to a jazz lounge for a few relaxing drinks and then check in to a motel close by.Wish us well.You may not hear from us for a good old loooong time.
Bev & Anna

Lori said...

Gleds- Sometimes I feel like the poster child for Pfizer (sp) and many other drug companies. I have tried the gamut of anti-depressants. I have been taking Paxil for almost 2 years now and that seems to have the least side effects. Congrats on getting down to 18mg of methadone. That is a huge accomplishment. Remember if you use now it is only going to make the detox harder. I can't speak about caffiene as I adore it. Coffee and Mt.Dew are my best friends. Sounds trite babe, but just one day at a time and see how you feel. If you think they are dropping your dose to fast stop it for a few days. That also explains your lack of sleep. You have come a long way baby....don't stop now! Peace from the States!

Bev said...

Where is my pulsating pile of well stacked woman teaser/pleaser when I really need him the most???
Yeerooooooooooooowwwwwww!Im here pantingly ready for you Hot Buns.
You sly devil.Your keeping me waiting while foam drips from the edges of my hot and willing mouth.What are you doing???Satisfying some other lady while I sit here in heat?!

Bev said...

Oh your not taking comments right now.I didnt know.Nighty nite sweet baby XoXOxo

Gledwood said...

GATTINA: I've heard the portions in America are absolutely humungous... Well I got my appetite back and today is Saturday 18th August...

BEV: the most popular brand of catfood here is Whiskas and most people agree if you feed your kittie that as a kitten he/she will not touch anything else in later years!

BUGERLUGS: 10 days offline?... wow! I hope the terrible low mood fcks off soon xxxxxxx

WELSHCAKES: I think I feel "better"... well more "normal" anyhow... the stars? I suddenly remembered that some people have all sorts of special effects on their blogs and I wanted a piece of the action, so I googled stars and here they are! ★ ★★ ★★ ★★

BEV: I think Anna Grace is being a bit paranoid. Or just a bit shy... who KNOWS what could go down. Specially if you get lubricated with a bit of good old London Gin first ha har!! ★ ★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★ ★★ ★★

LORI: re the methadone yeah it has got to the stage where I can't really use on top if it, it will just mess everything up. I suppose I could blame my "elevated mood" of last week for not giving a flying fck whether I used or not (so I did). What is weird though is that 'eroin used to flatten my mood most definitely years ago but over the years it somehow lost this effect and so now I'm just a manic depressive junkie mess if I carry on I HAVE to stop...

BEV: I was probably fast asleep when you wrote that ha ha. I am taking comments. The blog automatically switches them to "moderated" after about 3 days but that is just so I don't miss any that someone might leave to an old post and I'd be none the wiser...★ ★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★ ★★ ★★

★ ★★ ★★ ★★
have a great weekend everyone!
★ ★★ ★★ ★★

Gledwood said...

BEVERLY: i DID put up madonna lucky star for you and the computer/internet somehow ate it. it's there now...

Bev said...

ah here it is and she is so pretty and sexy.She looks like Blondie to me here some thing in the eyes.I love em both! And you Sweet Sugar plum for being you and for think of meXOXOXOXOX.Heres a bath tub full of kisses for you dip right in and enjoy the warmness Yummy!XoXxoxo

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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