Wednesday, 27 June 2012

It's a brighter day~ reducing the methadone dose: a plan

IT'S A HOTTER DAY and all. The weather forecast promised temperatures up to 90F today. I don't think it was that hot. But on methadone, you never can tell... I wasn't sweating like a swine today as I took extra methadone and it held me. I'm doing what I had to do before and using extra methadone on top of my script, a little less each day, until my script is holding me. It's so miserable being a junkie: I'm starting to hate it more than I ever loved heroin, and that marks a tipping point. Hopefully ... For drugs no more...

Methadone is still a drug, though. And more addictive than heroin! Every day on methadone is still a day of addiction, even though I might barely feel the stuff in my system.

I need to think carefully about what I'm going to say to the drugs doctor tomorrow as I still want my dose reduced as fast as humanly possible. That is: as fast as humanly possible without feeling any withdrawals at all. (There is no reason why an addict should not be weaned off opiates completely painlessly ~ provided the dose is tapered gradually enough.)

So I might remain on methadone for quite a while yet.

First I have to eliminate the need for any extra on top of my 20mg daily dose. Then I need to stabilize on 20mg a day. I would hope to have achieved this within 3 weeks of today, if not sooner.

After that I'm asking the clinic what they think about reducing me by 1mg per week. If they're not going to be flexible enough to allow that, I'll take a 5mg reduction and add the 1mg at a time mini-steps (19-18-17-16) myself bought on the street.

It's a sad indictment that a system set up to help you can end up being far less helpful than it should; but that's life...

I know because I'm a "new" client (even though I'm actually coming back to them after a year with no break in prescribing) that they will probably insist on supervised consumption, where you are forced to drink a tot full of green syrup in a shop full of people like some sort of common criminal ~ but that's the way it goes these days.

As I've said before, my one single aim in life is to get OFF methadone and to live ~ even if only for one day ~ without mind and body chained to this pernicious addiction. I don't even know if that's possible for me.

Yes, I have lived without a heroin/methadone habit. It's not as if I was born drug-dependent (unlike some people I know). I never got addicted to heroin until I was 28. I'm 40 now. But the 28 years pre-habit were hardly what you'd call a "life"; more an existence. So maybe I can go back to existing without hard opiates...

Whether or not I can live a full, clean life without depending however slightly, however intermittently, on any drugs at all ~ that is another matter.


UK Prison scandal: drug-free inmates put on methadone (Daily Telegraph)


This tune keeps going round my head... took me a while even to realize what it was. Sung by Barbra Streisand, it's from the film Yentl:


Bev said...

The stuff the ladys drinking looks like the green apple martini mix I buy.I posted some pix of my ex hubby if you want to see how he looks.I love fixing up drinks and salads.I been eating tomato and cucumber salad this week with some grapes in the middle.

Gledwood said...

I hope you get more Martini than that woman's getting methadone ~ it's not a lot!

I got into chopping my own salad: got heavy diarrhoea the first couple of days, then my body got used to VITAMINS and MINERALS and other stuff it hadn't had in YEARS!!

Anonymous said...

Seems like you think everything is everybody else's fault. It's not the clinics fault that your taper isn't working. You'll never get off mmt successfully if you use heroin even occasionally and extra meth every day. You claim to be on 20 something Mgs but that's not true since you take extra every day. You're all talk but nothing changes.

Summer said...

If there is a will, then the way will follow. I'll be praying that you can taper down quickly and painlessly. Hang in there! You deserve that life you speak of!!

Ohhhh, love me some Streisand. Good choice! :-)

bugerlugs63 said...

Sounds like a good plan.
I wouldn't think of it as "going BACK to existing without opiates" . . . more of "going FORWARD to LIVING without opiates",
you're not 28 so it won't be the same.
Take it slowly, there's no rush after 12 years of addiction.
Have you checked out any of those N/A's yet?? . . . Hmmmmm? ;-)
Take care, enjoy your day, with love x

Gledwood said...

Summer: I've done that taper before and it was fine. BIG IRONY AND/OR PARADOX ~ it's FAR EASIER DOING IT ON YOUR OWN THAN RELYING ON A CLINIC FOR HELP.

Bugerlugs: I hope it is going forward to living. A lot of times the only advantage I see in being clean is being able to die not a junkie. And being able to use the opiates to achieve such an end.

Akelamalu said...

Well you sound as though you know what you're doing, I hope it works.

Gledwood said...

It's worked before. The official dose has gone up to 25mg, then it's coming down in 1mg steps, or even 2mg steps to start with ... it's all good :-)