Thursday, 19 July 2012

Another Day

I SLEPT for hours and hours and hours yesterday. One thing 300mg quetiapine has done is let me catch up on lost sleep. Every time I woke up, the bleakness of the day forced me back under the covers. I only got up after 3:30pm. And even then it took me an hour anda half to put on jeans and shoes and get out the door.

There was a knock knock knocking I couldn't ignore. The landlord's henchman was there asking questions. I tried not to look like I was in the mood I was in. All around me people say useless things. I am so glad I live on my own. Which should mean at least that when I'm home I have nobody to answer to. Nobody for whose benefit I have to twist my face into grotesque shapes in the name of social acceptability. (I call it false smiles and fakery.) And I shouldn't have to do it at home. Except when the landlord comes round uninvited. Once he had gone and the forced cheer of my farewell was fading from my ears I just wanted to scream and bang my head on the wall. Why does he have to turn up when I feel that bad?

Well I have nothing else to say and I'm not reading through this crap again much less editing it. Every time I post these days I walk away with various dumb-arse comments or phrases running and re-running through my head; thinking WHAT did I say that for??!?

This is just a diary, that's all. It never has been the type of blog that's out there to show how cool or clever or fascinating I am. If it was, trust me, it would be nothing like this.

Maybe in years time I will read this over and wonder how I felt. Well I just feel sick and weak and feeble and not up for anything and my mood is sulky. Except I doubt I will ever want to know.


Bev said...

Hi Cutie pie.Keeping a diary is a good idea.You can always look back and read it.I tore up all my high school diaries because all most everything was about boys I liked who did not like me at all.I felt like a jerk with boys who made fun of me and called me names.I cried after reading them and tore them all up.Now i wish I didnt do that.I would like to read about my dum young feelings and why I didnt understand i cant make ppl love me.
Kisses for you.These are lipsticky you can use them as fly paper.x0Xo

Gledwood said...

the only diary i keep is this one but it doesn't half bore me at times i wonder what on earth it does to other people

Bev said...

It means you are loved.Ppl want to know every thought an feeling you have♥

Akelamalu said...

I started my blog as a diary to keep notes on my knee replacement. Now it's more of a travelogue.

Anna Young said...

Ha, my blog is today about making myself look cool and intelligent. I'm not very good at it though. Nearly everyone who reads my blog HATES ME! I don't understand why they keep reading it. If I came across my blog I'd probably read two or three posts and never come back.

You rarely get a negative comment. I think it's because you are so genuine, and kind.