Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Manic in the Night

I STARTED CYCLING in an antidrug meeting yesterday. In case that brings to mind imagery of me circling the group on a bike, that's not what I mean. I got the expression from Anna Grace,
who's also bipolar. I mean my mood became exuberant and hyper and I became very talkative and went shopping for DVDs. That's how I ended up with five Orbital albums for the bargain price of £16. I didn't really think I was anything more than very slightly hypomanic.

Night fell, however, and my mood went shooting up. I found myself doodling sentences in Japanese till past four a.m. At one point I got very jittery and anxious, so I went down the shop for a cyder. Glugging it back I managed to relax, which is just as well, because I continued going up higher and higher. By five a.m. I felt exactly as if I'd just got home from a night clubbing on Es and whizz and that the drugs were still going full-on.

Of course I had no luck sleeping. Lying in bed helped me relax, but sleep was nowhere on the horizon. Eventually I did end up conking out intermittently. I had to get up at eleven to pay my friend Pinky £40 she needed back today. My mood has gone down a bit, but it hasn't switched poles. I was very jittery earlier, but now I just feel weird. It's five to three and fatigue has caught up with me. It's too early to sleep and too late to do much with the day.

Has everyone been watching the Olympics? I should be very excited about them, being as they're going on in this fine metropolis. I heard they had twenty-four Mary Poppins aerialists at the opening ceremony. Was it any good? Did we put China's Spectacular to shame? I've yet to connect the satellite dish to my television. It seems a cable TV installer cut the wires, so I need to reconnect them. The hole in the wall through which they trail is big enough for a baby mouse to set up home.

I don't know whether I need to see a doctor: I felt really ill this afternoon. Physically done in.

I know I was manic last night because when I walked to the shop I felt like someone ws pushing me all the way there, like when you have a strong wind backing you up from behind...

Well I'd better go; I'm really tired now.

Take care Everyone...

Illustrated: Olympic cycling; Olympic Mary Poppinses; "Rapid Cycling and Mixed States as 'Waves'"



This is the only TV advert that's ever made me cry...


Diagnostic & Statistical Manual: Psychiatry’s Deadliest Scam
I found out about this from Madinsanecrazy's blog. But she didn't post the video up, saying it wouldn't fit for some reason. Maybe it's something to do with Wordpress..?



Furtheron said...

Watching the Olympics? OH YES!!! Swimming has been really good, esp tonight. And looks like the GBR women are just about to beat Brazil in the football!!! GET IN!

My train journey takes me through Stratford every day - the morning is funny very early starts for many they clearly couldn't be daily long distance commuters :-) but the kids faces are the best, just expectation - coming home in the evening you see the tired but happy kids too... lifts me up even if I'm not going to any event physically

bugerlugs63 said...

Two words . . . Full Moon. I'll say no more ;-)

Fallen Angel... said...

Thats funny I have always refered to my mood changes as cycling as well. I normally cycle rather slowly and can tell when a change is coming on and the older I got the more it seemed they were almost on a schedule which is one of the reasons I felt I no longer needed meds and could manage it on my own. Of course I have always self medicated and not until recent years did i even realize this is what I was doing exactly. However the last year my "cylces" have become ever more rapis and as of late my cycling is several times a day on the bad days but usually at least one or two cycles every 24 hours. I think that might be some of the reason I am having such a hard time staying off shit. I cant get in to see a proper Dr due to no INS and I cant get proper meds for the same reason however I am looked down on for self medicating because you just do not need INS to fill that perscription ha. Without self medicating I really fly off the handle and when my manic kicks in these days I seem to do things that really effect the happiness in my life. For example I get quite angry easily and seem to not be able to keep my hands to myself and after 2 years of marriage where me and my husband have NEVER laid a finger on each other in a sober manic display of insanity I felt the best thing at the moment was to attck my poor husband with all I had and what you might ask did I do this over? Well because he chcnaged the channel and I was watching something stupid. SO yea when I start to feel myself changing to my manic side I get ansty and a little paranoid that I am going to do something I cant reverse and I will go score and then I stay even well at least more even then I would be wothout it. I would just love to have the means to see a dr and get on the meds I know I desperatly need. So sad that in the country that claims to be the greatest people who want and need help and if givin it could return to a productive member of society cant get anything unless your half way well to do or are lucky enough to have ins or on the other side of things and are content to lie and live on welfare then they will hepl you. But I dont fit either side bcz am not anywhere close to well off but I do own my own home and am not lying my ass off to get welfare bcz I try to teach my children its not ok to lie and get things that my government says I do not qualify for.

I was also up til 7 am this morning until passed out here and there. No matter how hard I tried to sleep I just couldnt. That voice in my head was yelling again. No its not a voice that tells me to do stuff its the voice well my voice that I hear when I think about stuff just any ole thing and normally its my voice at a normal level like I was speaking but when I get really bad its yells and drives me nuts. Only thing that shuts it up is gear. Guess thats why I got some today. Didnt want another long ass night of that again. I had some last ight but it was garbage and wasnt worth the money. Didnt do anything so therefore didnt calm the storm in my brain.

Sorry for the long comment sometimes I ramble and I do appologise. Hope your well!

Akelamalu said...

The Olympics have been really exciting and the support our boys and girls have been given has been fantastic.

Madinsanecrazy said...

She's a he.
54 year's old Bipolar guy.
They don't allow you to post video without an upgrade and i don't like not having control so would not use Youtube content.
I upgraded package and can upload Video as i have done since yesterday.
It was on blogger thati had to cut the video into bit's because of their restriction's and i hate doing that also.
thank's for the mention-Appreciated

Gledwood said...

FURTHERON: is it really exciting riding through the Olympics every day..? Are you taking the North London Link or North London Line... whatever it's called? I used to have a friend in Hackney who I used to get to via that... yeah I really regret not having telly for these olympics, especially as the BBC are said to have launched 26 channels on Freesat... if you're using Sky you might have to retune to get them but my old Freesat retuned automatically.


FALLEN ANGEL: you know I never went properly bipolar till I was 38 years of age. Until then, I always knew something was there, but it was definitely a borderline case (well I thought so)...

I heard that drug addicts are far more likely to be rapid cyclers than other people. Also antidepressants are meant to trigger off rapid cycling in susceptible individuals.

The American healthcare system, I'm sorry to say, seems really primitive, considering how America seems to consider itself forefront of the world in terms of civilization... If you really need mental treatment can't you just show up at the state mental hospital..? Or are those places really dodgy? Whoopi Goldberg in Girl Interrupted says to Winona how she really does not want to be in the state hospital...

Any dr who's worth their salt should know that opiates have POTENT mood-stabilizing effects. I once emailed a top rehab in this country with my full diagnosis and details of medication saying could you detox me (my methadone being over 100mg back then) and they said yes but you might need to tweak your meds as methadone may well be acting as a mood stabilizer in your case. All I can say is if it does, it's WAY WEAKER than heroin, which kept me on the straight and narrow (really paradoxically) for years. It annoys me when I see (primarily American) websites that allege that a person on heroin has drastic mood swings whereas methadone will cure these that's precisely what did NOT happen to me.

I've fucked up one of my friendships irrepairably by coming off my medication and being depressed and angry all the time. I thought I was just being assertive, but I kept demanding back this money they owed me more and more vehemently and in the end they just changed their phone number on me. And I don't know where they live because they're in some stupid paranoiac situation where they believe they have to stay with their daughter because people are bugging their flat. O man I've had a lifetime of such bullshit.

American Wellfare: don't you have to pay all of it BACK once you get a job..? And doesn't this kind of discourage the sick from risking working? The system in this country is fucked. I reckon they should let people try doing just a bit of work to see how they do, and still claim. But as it is, it's still all or nothing, even though they're trying to reform it. The situation I'm in they don't even know if I'm capable of independent living. Just because I'm no good at keeping my house clean. So I might end up in some mental halfway house... I don't know :-(

AKELAMALU: I wish I could see the Olympics. Only I've NO TV CONNECTION so I can't!

MADINSANECRAZY: I thought you were a young female because of the portrait that comes up every time you post on Wordpress. I'm sorry!

People also think I'm a woman, that's because the risperidone made me grow a tit on one side. Which I may need surgery to remove!

Nobody believes I literally am a hamster though... strangely enough...

Anonymous said...

hello nicely done by the site slots games

defined short article, sooo want to observe what you write about next!
slots machine games

Anonymous said...

hi nicely done by the website australian online blackjack

given blog post, so want to see that which you talk about following!
aussie blackjack

Anonymous said...

hello i came here by here netti casino

discussed article, so want to see that which you talk about subsequent!
netti casino

Anonymous said...

ola just dropped by the website ipad casino

layed out article, would like to see what you come up with next!
mobile casino uk

Anonymous said...

hello i came here by here online pokies

discussed post, so want to notice what you reveal up coming!
online pokies

Anonymous said...

I really love your website.. Very nice colors & theme.
Did you make this web site yourself? Please reply back as I'm wanting to create my very own website and would like to learn where you got this from or what the theme is named. Cheers!
Also visit my website Can You Buy Female Viagra In Cancun