Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Anxiety and "Issues"

I HAVE banged up one bag of Lovely Heroin today and feel no better for it; I have one bag left. And don't even know if I want to take it.

Yesterday I felt horrible in the morning. Depressed and anxious. Then I took heroin and felt fine. All afternoon. Pinky asked if I was hypomanic. Come nighttime I felt OK and phoned my family.

All night long I slept deeply, only awakening once to pee out some of the three litres of lemonade I guzzle each day. I no longer drink alcohol at all.

So I got up at twenty to one feeling sour and blank and confused. Sometimes it pains me just to think.

Pinky has been transferred from mental hospital to burns unit where's she's awaiting surgery. When she set fire to her pyjamas last week, she burnt her leg so badly she needs SKIN GRAFTS. She's right across town so I don't get to see her for a couple of days.

People keep confusing me. The things they say; the things they feel. I don't want to take any of it on board. Eg Pinks talks about me as if I'm seriously ill. I don't like that, and I do not believe it.  If I mentioned it at all in real life, I would say I'm "a bit bipolar" but she says I'm "really bipolar" which is no longer true. There is nothing wrong with me any more. Apart from that I'm my old miserable self.

Dr Lovelace, the GP, says I should not take on the identity of "schizophrenic". I would not want to associate with a condition I do not have anyway. I said my moods are who I am. But mental illnesses are not and never will be "me". Yes in the past I have parrotted ideas that I've read. But psychiatry to me is like a religion: an object of fascination, not belief.

I'm totally off tea. I started feeling panicky earlier today and that makes me feel I should be shot dead. Anxious people are useless people ~ incapacitated by misplaced energy that crushes the heart. I loathe anxiety above every other mental state. If I get anxiety back, I will kill myself. Caffeine makes all this worse. It's just like the after-effects of crack cocaine ~ another drug I loathe.

There is nothing much more to say. If I analysed it, I'd ask myself why I should blog about feeling crap. The only reason is that I would keep a journal anyway. Saying these things in public is confusing enough. I know some people think I should just kill myself.

My blogfriend Bugerlugs, who has a cyclothymic nature anyhow, went on a beautiful two-week break to North Wales but came back not just depressed but panicky on top. I held back my opinion that anxiety is the absolute pits of psychiatry, sheer living hell.

And when her GP prescribed Prozac, I kept quiet on what fluoxetine would do to me: make me agitated, angry and dysphoric and a whole lot worse. My last experience with an antidepressant (mirtazapine/Remeron) was catastrophic. I never want to go near anything like that again. The stuff I'm now on (quetiapine/Seroquel) is for bipolar depression. But it's also antimanic and antipsychotic. So it shouldn't set me off on a psycho episode.

I hope Bugerlugs is OK. She sounds better. Her biggest problem now is a furry pingpongball-with-eyes robo-hamster who's been on the lose for nearly a week. They're tiny, flighty and much faster than normal hamsters. So it's like trying to catch a wild house-mouse. Except roborovskis are even smaller and pingier. And when on the lose, they switch to wild mode and don't want to be picked up.

Ukh. See that theory that distractions improve the mood doesn't work.

I keep thinking about Bugerlugs and what I said about anxiety. When I make these sweeping statements I'm talking about me. If Bugerlugs put a gun to her head I would be gutted. I don't want Bugerlugs to die.

As for this heroin (the other thing Bugerlugs and I have in common, apart from uneven moods) ~ I don't know what to do.

Earlier today, I ended up turning the issue over in my head. Telling myself it is destroying me: I have to make a break from it sometime.

Then I tell myself I will stop tomorrow. But I'm not naïve. When I think I've spent too much money, I'm able to put my fixation on ice for some days. So I've done a few days heroin-clean. But that day, the day that I still have a yen for gear and the money to get it ~ that "tomorrow" never comes.

Last year there were many days when I had the money but not the desire to use. My worker was asking me last week what has changed between now and then but I don't want to talk to some drug-obsessed drug-clinic worker about my mental equilibrium. Last year I had an "elevated" mood for weeks on end. This year I haven't been so high. I tested myself, by using again, and the habit came back. It's nowhere near as intense as it once was, years ago. I can do a day or several days on just methadone without climbing the walls.

And I want, I really do want to be drug-free and that means methadone-free as well.

I'm also aware that heroin is doing my mental wellbeing no good at all. For years it salved my misery. But now, it either switches my mood so I feel higher hours later than when I first took it. Or it does nothing much at all. Whatever it's doing to my brain cannot be good.

For a long time I was averse to methadone because I thought it would damage my brain.

I know what I have to do. That is: to give up all drugs, prescribed and otherwise. Then maybe my brain could be OK.

My family have said that if I leave the drugs ~ all drugs behind, I should be OK. I never used to believe that. Mainly because I wasn't OK before I went on heroin, so I didn't assume I'd be OK afterwards. But I never even had the chance to try Sobriety out ~ never gave myself the chance.

This is my single goal. To live drug-free.

Maybe next year I'll have some news to tell you...

Until then I can't promise not to put up a whole load more miserable posts. Sorry.

Illustrated: I couldn't think up an illustration, so I went abstract; I found this graph by accident but it shows something I've long suspected ~ that heroin is far more popular here in Europe than across the Pond...

I wanted to put up SOMETHING... but what?
This is an old trance classic,
It has a PROPER VIDEO...

✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚✔ ➝☨+✚


bugerlugs63 said...

No worries there Gledwood, I won't be putting a gun to my head, or even contemplating any form of suicide; Firstly my kids need and love me, just as I need and love them (and the Robos of course!) Secondly, my Bro killed himself and I've seen what it's done to my Mum, she couldn't withstand another one!
I know what you mean when you say "It pains me to think sometimes" . . . I've banned myself from thinking for the first 20 minutes of the day . . . I wake up feeling so pissed off to be trapped and stuck in this addiction again, and so down and miserable about it all. I have to stop myself right there and get on with the day, knowing that the distractions and chores of the day will put these thoughts to the back of my mind for a while . . .
I've never given sobriety a chance either, not in 35 yrs, and I do really want to try it, badly . . . I do believe we would be fine, better than fine, we would blossom to our full potential for the first time in our lives! . . . It must be worth a try eh?
I don't mind you talking about me at all on here, not in the least. I relate to so much that you say; the whole paragraph about stopping tomorrow . . . and tomorrow never comes. We must keep trying. And writing, even if they are miserable posts, otherwise we'll be in isolation.
That's a great photo of a scruffy little Robo ;-) . . . I wonder if I'll see the wanderer tonight.
O yeah, one more thing; It HAS to be blue Lenor!!! No two ways about it, and get the washing in as soon as it's dry. Within Three hours. OK, I'm tired. I am OK though, I'll write a post tomorrow.
Take care Gledwood, keep on trying, we can beat this and we WILL beat this . . . With love, as always, Goodnight x x x

Bev said...

Hi Gledwood.Hi Bugerlugs.
Both of you share very important messages.You can learn from each other right?
I woke up dizzy and my eyes are stinging and my head is swaying.Anthony Bourdain was such a disappointment last night.I even taped the show over my Pepe Lepeu tape.Now Im stuck with No Reservations and absolutely no revelations.XoxOXoSmooshy pink frosted lipstick kisses that will stain your collarXoXoYour posts are not miserable there insightful.

Syd said...

Gleds, I have been hoping for a long time that you would be drug free. Only you can do that though. You have to really want it and get off the junk. Okay?

Gledwood said...

BUGERLUGS: I'm glad you weren't pissed off by my writing about you. I say these things and think it sounds creepy or wrong and yet post it anyway. Or post first and regret later. Ukkkh...

You know exactly what I was saying "it pains me to think" yes that was the 1st 20 mins of the day. Exactly.

Thanks v much for that answer and I hope the Wanderer does come back by 2nite latest...

BEV: o yeah heroin addiction is a "terrible affliction" as the guy in Trainspotting says...

I have to say a lot of the terribleness is a direct result of heroin's illegal status. Thousands of people get heroin as a painkiller in British hospitals without turning into grandmother-bashing, purse-snatching psychos!

I'm glad you like my posts because I don't. Not when I write them. Then I think about how I'm going on and on and on all about myself and how boring that must be. Then, yonks after, I realize it is just a blog and blogs are supposed to be about your Self or your Amazing Photographs... or your Opinions.

I can't send back frosted kisses, so I'm sending back the frosted mountains of mysterious Northern China instead...

SYD: I was going to go to your blog yesterday but didn't want you to come back to something depressive, so I avoided you(!)

I can, believe it or not, imagine being drug-free. Which I couldn't do before. There must be SOME progress. Somehow or somewhere. I have come down on methadone from 120+mg to 14mg. So that must be good. Mustn't it? I don't even know now...

Still on methadone means still addicted, still imprisoned. Doesn't matter how near the perimeter you are. If you're still in prison you're still in prison and that massive high wall is still in front of you.........................................

Sid said...

As Iv'e said before, all we can do is keep on trying.
I went through a long period after my last relapse of total ambivlence towards my recovery.
I'd just resigned myself to being a junkie the rest of my life but that feeling changed..

Never give up Gleds..

Hope your good mate, not heard from you for a while!

Gledwood said...

Do you know how the feeling changed?

I only want to get clean to see what it's like. I probably won't like it, but I've never managed it in 12 years apart from about 8 days in 2001.

What a waste of time.

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Gledwood said...

I've been blogging for about five years. You do a depression blog? I'm coming round for a look. Take care :-)