Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Message from Princess Leia

I DID GO to Doctor Strangelove at 9 in the morning. My alarm went off at 7 to tell me to take methadone early so it would be going full-blast by the time of the appointment. I couldn't get to sleep again. I think I'm in a better mood than yesterday. But I still told the doctor the truth. About how STRESSED I get over PETTY THINGS. We somehow got on to the subject of "when was I diagnosed" and I went and told her about the time I was so manic that when I opened a book the words exploded in my face. I am always digging my own grave: eg when I happened to mention to a psychiatrist that I heard voices that summarized my own thoughts from a minute or two before. This is a KEYNOTE FEATURE of schizophrenia (as opposed to any other type of psychosis, including psychotic mania). Also my tendency to take things extremely literally so that when I read schizoaffective disorder had an "affective component" I visualized a bright yellow electrical component that regulated the trillions of volts zapping straight through my brain. Yes I could read most of the time. My main problem in mania was that my brain was going so quickly I could not take information in. One day I was in the back of a car. I couldn't remember where we were going and kept thinking we were en route to an illegal rave because I was "high on ecstasy" (I hadn't taken ecstasy for about ten years). I agree with Carrie Fisher: that the bipolar high is better than anything else, anything at all. More transcendant. More sublime. And much nicer than drugs. I have never taken a drug that kept me high for more than about twelve hours and even that required multiple doses. On mania I soared stratospherically high for days on end and the whole episode took months to wear off.

It is very good to feel high, but when I remember how mentally disabled I became it saddens me. Reading a book from the library called "Madness Explained" I realized my main problem wasn't delusions (I wasn't really "delusional" most of the time) or hallucinations, which tended to be exhillarating and beautiful, not scary. A few times they have really offended me, but never terrified me. No my main trouble was "severe thought disorder". That is what made my mind go totally incoherent for hours at a time. A state of mind that kept coming back every day in the mid-morning to late afternoon. Several times I went out of body, out of mind. I once stood on top of the Universe, higher than anything and everything except God. I felt blessed and full of power. When I looked up, and I constantly was looking higher, because I felt like I was flying and was going higher, I kept seeing spirals. I had a friend who used to put salt in spirals on the carpet when she was tripping on ketamine. And Spiral Tribe, the most famous illegal rave soundsystem of the early 90s, were into Chaos Music. And eyes everywhere were staring at me. I saw them staring out of the bottom of the screen every time I turned the computer on.

I once wandered into a McDonalds and had real confusion because everybody in there seemed to be talking and they were talking directly at me. Long, long lines and crowds. So I ignored them all and somehow got a double cheeseburger and left.

Here's Carrie Fisher (author of Postcards from the Edge; Princess Leia in Star Wars): "Unipolar' people or even people with no poles should envy me or any bipolar person because the upswing is the greatest ~ better than any drug, better than anything in the world."


Bev said...

I bet your very easy to be a round.You seem very likeable & kind.Im geting very melow with age.
So with bi-polar you can always count on a rise?Is it spontaneous or induced by some thing?
I dont understand a lot.
My friend was just a teenager and I asked him how he took his diagnosis so well and he told me just deals with it.So brave at least on the out side frank and direct.I admired him so much.He was lost and sad thouh.I can tell.

GLEDWOOD said...

A lot of people get 2 episodes back to back; I think the commonest combination is mania then crash to depression. On me the first full-blown mania was mixed with depression, so I was manic and suicidal the same day. At one point I had the overwhelming urge to do a running jump straight through the upstairs window. Which kind of did my head in when I remembered that afterwards. If I had been a more impulsive person I would have got into all kinds of trouble. Eg attacking people on the street for swearing at me. Every single person I passed swore and/or spat at me and I'm supposed to be all pathetic and tell myself it's all in my head. Yeah. The second time I went manic I really did go extremely manic and stayed high for weeks. There were weeks when I thought I was depressed but I think I was more manic, but in a bad mood not a good mood, because I didn't have the normal syndrome of depression at all. Usually the 2 states alternate in a totally unpredictable way. Often I can only tell my mood is changing but can't even tell whether it's going up or down. The best I remember feeling was actually coming down from the high, because the "symptoms" like intensely racing thoughts, hyperactivity and agitation vanished away leaving just the elevated mood. On the way up I sometimes felt extremely irritable and agitated and paranoid. Then paranoia would turn into ideas of grandeur. Which is much much much much much nicer.

I am sending the Sirocco back to ya!xxx

bugerlugs63 said...

I'm not sure it's to be envied.
What goes up, must come down . . . The further up, the further down.
I've still not caught the hamster on the run, let's hope it doesn't happen to be a pregnant female . . . Can you imagine?
No, best not go there.
It's Lenor day (payday) today ;-)
With love, as always x

GLEDWOOD said...

Mine went missing for maybe 4 days. I didn't put down food, but did make a bridge to the lidless, very tall tank they lived in and could not jump out of. No luck. I found the furry swine at about 2am and only caught her by throwing a teeshirt over her, bundling her up in it and only daring to let go when teeshirt and tank were together.

Bloody hell if I go down as far as I went up last February I'm truly fucked..!

GLEDWOOD said...

That is Feburary last year not this year.

I hope you find the Furry Swine Fast.

I had a really good look at the blue Lenors today but that has to wait for next week!!

Bev said...

Im ignorant on the subject but I think its good to be aware.Its good to know the cycle and be best prepared for it.
Again I dont know much at all. But what ever please know you are LOVED.
I care for you a great deal as your other faithfull readers/followers do. You are remarkably insightful and a beautiful person.Please realize this.
In my opinion what ever issues you got only makes you more real and endearing and rare and special.
I say this with a sincere heart my dearest.

Gledwood said...

Thank You