I WAS down the Druggieclinic early because I'd gone to bed by midnight and yet somehow managed to awaken at 6am feeling crap.
A single cup of tea was enough to set me off all morning with Anxiety on top of Depression.
My Druggieworker wasn't in and there was no way I was going near the Group Session he always wants me to go to. I've attended the 12 sessions I undertook to do and no way in hell am I going near any groups again, except the legendary Nutter Club ~ the Dual Diagnosis (mental+addicted) support group that my own Consultant Psychiatrist cancelled. I'm writing in to tell him how he has disposed of my one source of support. Throughout Psychotic Break #2 (mid-January) last year Naomi, the group leader, was my single source of any practical help. Without her intervention, I might not even have got diagnosed.
My family, who live 100s of miles away never saw me, only heard me on the phone. Usually in the evenings when my mania was lulling ~ and a lot of online friends who know me via my blog ~ all said a lot of wellmeaning but seriously confusing things. People who knew me and actually saw me were in no doubt that I had completely lost my mind. One friend who hapened to phone me when I was in utter meldtown one morning, drove straight round with his wife, took one look at me leaving the house doing the best sane act I could manage ~ and burst straight into tears! I have absolutely no idea what was so upsetting, because I was feeling fantastic. They wanted to take me back to theirs but I pointed out that I was getting up each morning at 2:30am and wouldn't go back to bed for anyone. The psychiatrist told me after the fact that I should have been in hospital during that period. It's the most seriously ill I have ever been. I just could not help it.
Today I saw the only Drugs Worker who actually seems to care for me. This one comes from Germany. He checked my urine ~ only methadone and "morphine" (heroin) showed up. He kept asking what had gone wrong this weekend because I seemed down in the mouth and I kept saying I was fine. I keep my mouth shut and turn up my lips at the corners, as if half-smiling. I told him how much I'd gone off alcohol. So he added to my notes a breathalyser reading of zero. I told him how pissed off I was to be so anxious. He seemed not to credit how badly a single cup of tea can affect me. So I mentioned how, earlier this year, four cups flipped me out into hypomania, depression and paranoia for half a day. He mooted the idea of counselling but I told him I've had a lifetime's worth of that. I complained how four hours' interviews with the mental health nurse (more than two years ago and before I ever got the "schizoaffective bipolar" label) had left her with the idée fixethat it was some anxiety disorder that was bugging me. Despite my making the repeated point that I'd not had morbid anxiety for over a decade and a half, that I did not feel keyed-up, or a panicky grip round my heart. What I did feel was irritated, angry and overloaded with stress ~ an entirely different syndrome. When I'm anxious I want Valium. When I'm irritated, I don't. She gave me a helpsheet written for the me of twenty years ago! A person who wasted huge amounts of nervous energy turning over the same useless worries all night.
This morning was a tea-induced aberration: I DO NOT HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER. Or a Cluster C Personality Disorder, as she wanted to believe. (I do like that nurse, but she's too clever for her own good.) The personality disorders questionnaires I filled online (always in (hypo)manic states, as I would not ordinarily bother with such crap) said I was schizotypal and borderline! Doesn't mean I have any personality disorder at all. If the symptoms come as episodes, as mine do, it's called an "illness". Personality disorders develop by the late teens, manifesting as constant personal characteristics ~ hence that label: "personality disorder".
Then I mentioned how anxiety pisses me off a hundred times worse than any other symptom ~ extreme depression, "voices", manic meltdown, whatever...How anxiety is taken as a sign of weakness, never ever taken seriously by any doctor and how all sufferers should be shot through the head ~~ purely as an act of kindness. Which is as much as I'm prepared to say on the shameful matter.
Back in the waiting room a beautiful woman appeared. She didn't remember me, but I remembered her. I remember her because we ended up in bed together. (Long story). She is the one person I've ever met outside a clinical setting who has bipolar disorder. I told her what happened to me last year. She went and described my big manic episode for me: completely over-excited and hallucinating/~~ etc. She'd taken a big overdose of her meds at the weekend: 80 risperidone pills. A real recipe for feeling totally shipwrecked if ever there was one...
Then I went out to score heroin. Yes I'm still in thrall to the Killer B. ("B" is what we call Afghan brown.) Now I no longer drink, it's the last of all drugs... And I wish I'd taken Rachel's phone number...
Illustrated: this is the Spanish singer Jeanette Dimech. But she bears more than a passing resemblance to R...
MUSIC:~~~~~~~~
PORQUE TE VAS Jeanette performs her biggest hit (the title means "Because You're going") at the Eiffel Tower, Paris...
KLF ft. TAMMY WYNETTE: JUSTIFIED AND ANCIENT (STAND BY THE JAMS) I luuurve this track, it's so entertainingly kitch ~ know what I mean..!
I feel much better now than I did this morning, but it might have something to do with having taken "gear" since then.
I felt really horrible this morning and it pisses me off that I cannot even drink TEA because it makes me feel similar to the way I used to when I'd been at the crack. How RIDICULOUS is that?!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry it will probably just go away. Most things with me do ;-)
This is the first time I ever herd you talk of a woman in a sexual way, or really of any women in a sexual way. To be honest I thought you were gay. You spoke of "partners" in one comment once, and I thought maybe you were leaving me a hint that you weren't into women. Goes to show assuming things is a stupid thing to do. I should have out right asked you, but I didn't want to offend you. I hope I'm not offending you right now. In this post though you come off as a sexual being, and I never really saw you as a sexual being until now. You were more of a place to park my wants of a "partner" or person to share everything with.
As far as my moods, I'm really lucky, at least I hope. I think I'm on a combination of meds that actually are staving off mood swings and the feeling of being "flat". Of course my personality defects still abound. I still want to kill myself. Just not right now. Does that make sense? I want to die, and I want to die by my own hand. I even bought a really super duper sharp exacto knife that wouldn't hurt if I used it to slit my wrists again. I bought for a just in case the mood strikes. You know what else, I really do miss being sad and depressed. Its been my go to mood since early adulthood and I feel safe and warm in that sad depressed state. Plus when I'm not depressed my writing suffers, or really my creativity. I can't visualize, and visualizing is a big part of story telling for me. It was easy for me to visualize when I was writing my last book, because it happened to me and I could go back in my memory and put it down on paper plus I was depressed most of the time I was working on my book. Of course that book sucks, and I told way too much about myself, and not enough. I didn't meet the middle ground. The book I'm working on right now I can't just call upon a memory to visualize what I'm writing about. If I did the character would turn into me, and there is already too much of me in her. She's now called Adel. I got sick of writing out Annaliese. If I want to change it back I can always do that thing on Microsoft Word that changes a word where ever its written on the document.
I used to think when you said all addicts should be brought out and shot and addicts I still don't think should be shot on spot, but I think the mentally ill addicts should be shot a.s.a.p. because their lives will never be happy. Look at me, I'm no in a normal mood, and I'm not happy. I want to be sad. I need to die. I'll commit suicide on youtube. You know me an attention whore. Dying on video and posting before I loose the strength to post it.
Am I rambling? Whenever you write about personality disorders I feel like being put down like a rabid dog. I cannot bring myself to write about it on my blog. I know people want to read about it. The one thing that could bring me attention and I'm not willing to do it. Is that irony?
Hey if your thinking about a woman and sex and socializing you must be not super duper depressed. I'm pretty normal right now, but I can't even bring myself to go out of my house except for going to the clinic very early in the morning before people are awake.
Okay, I'm done. I just assumed that you are thinking about sex with the girl, you could just be looking to interact with someone who has similar interests or whatever you wanna call it.
Sounds like really hot hot times you and the bi-polar beauty. Will you be wooing her?I bet she will be happy if you do. Nothing like a hot member of the opposite sex to motivate you. Wishing you fun and passionate heat.Just blow over some of that body heat must be lots hoter than the Sirocco winds.Sly lil' devil you.Kisess & hugs ;-)
I have that KLF track as a single track on vinyl. The last single I ever bought, I think. Yeah, I love it; Ancients of Moo Moo, driving their ice cream vans, it's brilliant. I'm sure you mentioned Rebs last Autumn (ish) on your Blog, after your big manic-psychotic episode . . . You were supposed to meet her and didn't go??? I'm sure I can't have made that up, I do have an excellent memory ;-) Didn't see the wanderer last night, but I'm sure he's still sneaking around laughing to himself. Hope you're OK today, with love x x
ANNA: I like Madonna and Barbra Streisand and I saw a thing about Judy Garland the other day so I should definitely be gay. But I don't like wearing tucked-in teeshirts and am nowhere near well-groomed enough to be gay. Also I used to have long hair and to be gay you need short hair. I did crop it fairly short (I typo'd that "fairy short") and died it white so that's quite gay.
Talking about gay icons though: that seems to mean any female in show business, especially a singer, with a career track record of over 5 years. So most other people must be gay too. Because SOMEONE bought all those CDs...
I am not really thinking about sex but I'm not super duper depressed. Well not when you consider how low can you go.....
I know what you mean about planning for time future because I was hoping to die as soon as I came off methadone. Only then will I have a negative opiate tolerance and a CHANCE of dying. People have said stuff about me killing myself with heroin (not suicide just junkie death) but there was never any chance of that and I have always known it. I have always known I will have to live to the very bitter end of everything and that pisses me off, though it also makes me feel flattered sometimes. When people have died I cannot claim not to have envied them. I always wondered why do THEY get so lucky and I'm stuck here? I do not really understand.
BEV: I don't know where to find the bipolar beauty but if I did find her maybe I would. I hope I don't find her this week though because I'm not in the mood for any bullshit. Know what I mean. Maybe next week I could be in a way bullshittier mood!~!!
BUGERLUGS: I hope you don't mind me writing about you. Especially you and the Prozac. I figured that if you got through the first 7 days on it without going into meltdown (because it can make anxiety a lot worse in the short term) then you would be OK but I never wanted to mention that bc I didn't want to be offputting.
I have you STILL not found the escapee?
BTW I tried putting 4 caps Easy softener on the last but 1 rinse. Then another 6 in the v last rinse. The clothes reeked of it. Then I took them off the line after less than 24 hours out which is short for me usually I leave clothes out for days and days anyway all the bloody aroma has GONE so It's going to Have to be Lenor Blue. In fact I think I will go out & get it right now. I cannot live without it.
BUGERLUGS: Rebsie was someone else, who last I heard had finally gone to rehab, not for the first time, but with what seems a greater chance of success. The other R is actually a RACHEL not REBECCA I'm constantly confusing the 2 names and have done since childhood. Sorry about that. This R I have only seen 3 times in my life but if we're meant 2b 2gether WE WILL meet again...
7 comments:
It all sounds so hopeless Gleds, I do hope I'm wrong and it's just a phase that you will recover from. xx
I feel much better now than I did this morning, but it might have something to do with having taken "gear" since then.
I felt really horrible this morning and it pisses me off that I cannot even drink TEA because it makes me feel similar to the way I used to when I'd been at the crack. How RIDICULOUS is that?!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry it will probably just go away. Most things with me do ;-)
Ah dear,
This is the first time I ever herd you talk of a woman in a sexual way, or really of any women in a sexual way. To be honest I thought you were gay. You spoke of "partners" in one comment once, and I thought maybe you were leaving me a hint that you weren't into women. Goes to show assuming things is a stupid thing to do. I should have out right asked you, but I didn't want to offend you. I hope I'm not offending you right now. In this post though you come off as a sexual being, and I never really saw you as a sexual being until now. You were more of a place to park my wants of a "partner" or person to share everything with.
As far as my moods, I'm really lucky, at least I hope. I think I'm on a combination of meds that actually are staving off mood swings and the feeling of being "flat". Of course my personality defects still abound. I still want to kill myself. Just not right now. Does that make sense? I want to die, and I want to die by my own hand. I even bought a really super duper sharp exacto knife that wouldn't hurt if I used it to slit my wrists again. I bought for a just in case the mood strikes. You know what else, I really do miss being sad and depressed. Its been my go to mood since early adulthood and I feel safe and warm in that sad depressed state. Plus when I'm not depressed my writing suffers, or really my creativity. I can't visualize, and visualizing is a big part of story telling for me. It was easy for me to visualize when I was writing my last book, because it happened to me and I could go back in my memory and put it down on paper plus I was depressed most of the time I was working on my book. Of course that book sucks, and I told way too much about myself, and not enough. I didn't meet the middle ground. The book I'm working on right now I can't just call upon a memory to visualize what I'm writing about. If I did the character would turn into me, and there is already too much of me in her. She's now called Adel. I got sick of writing out Annaliese. If I want to change it back I can always do that thing on Microsoft Word that changes a word where ever its written on the document.
I used to think when you said all addicts should be brought out and shot and addicts I still don't think should be shot on spot, but I think the mentally ill addicts should be shot a.s.a.p. because their lives will never be happy. Look at me, I'm no in a normal mood, and I'm not happy. I want to be sad. I need to die. I'll commit suicide on youtube. You know me an attention whore. Dying on video and posting before I loose the strength to post it.
Am I rambling? Whenever you write about personality disorders I feel like being put down like a rabid dog. I cannot bring myself to write about it on my blog. I know people want to read about it. The one thing that could bring me attention and I'm not willing to do it. Is that irony?
Hey if your thinking about a woman and sex and socializing you must be not super duper depressed. I'm pretty normal right now, but I can't even bring myself to go out of my house except for going to the clinic very early in the morning before people are awake.
Okay, I'm done. I just assumed that you are thinking about sex with the girl, you could just be looking to interact with someone who has similar interests or whatever you wanna call it.
Love you,
Anna Grace
Sounds like really hot hot times you and the bi-polar beauty.
Will you be wooing her?I bet she will be happy if you do.
Nothing like a hot member of the opposite sex to motivate you.
Wishing you fun and passionate heat.Just blow over some of that body heat must be lots hoter than the Sirocco winds.Sly lil' devil you.Kisess & hugs ;-)
I have that KLF track as a single track on vinyl. The last single I ever bought, I think. Yeah, I love it; Ancients of Moo Moo, driving their ice cream vans, it's brilliant.
I'm sure you mentioned Rebs last Autumn (ish) on your Blog, after your big manic-psychotic episode . . . You were supposed to meet her and didn't go???
I'm sure I can't have made that up, I do have an excellent memory ;-)
Didn't see the wanderer last night, but I'm sure he's still sneaking around laughing to himself.
Hope you're OK today, with love x x
ANNA: I like Madonna and Barbra Streisand and I saw a thing about Judy Garland the other day so I should definitely be gay. But I don't like wearing tucked-in teeshirts and am nowhere near well-groomed enough to be gay. Also I used to have long hair and to be gay you need short hair. I did crop it fairly short (I typo'd that "fairy short") and died it white so that's quite gay.
Talking about gay icons though: that seems to mean any female in show business, especially a singer, with a career track record of over 5 years. So most other people must be gay too. Because SOMEONE bought all those CDs...
I am not really thinking about sex but I'm not super duper depressed. Well not when you consider how low can you go.....
I know what you mean about planning for time future because I was hoping to die as soon as I came off methadone. Only then will I have a negative opiate tolerance and a CHANCE of dying. People have said stuff about me killing myself with heroin (not suicide just junkie death) but there was never any chance of that and I have always known it. I have always known I will have to live to the very bitter end of everything and that pisses me off, though it also makes me feel flattered sometimes. When people have died I cannot claim not to have envied them. I always wondered why do THEY get so lucky and I'm stuck here? I do not really understand.
BEV: I don't know where to find the bipolar beauty but if I did find her maybe I would. I hope I don't find her this week though because I'm not in the mood for any bullshit. Know what I mean. Maybe next week I could be in a way bullshittier mood!~!!
BUGERLUGS: I hope you don't mind me writing about you. Especially you and the Prozac. I figured that if you got through the first 7 days on it without going into meltdown (because it can make anxiety a lot worse in the short term) then you would be OK but I never wanted to mention that bc I didn't want to be offputting.
I have you STILL not found the escapee?
BTW I tried putting 4 caps Easy softener on the last but 1 rinse. Then another 6 in the v last rinse. The clothes reeked of it. Then I took them off the line after less than 24 hours out which is short for me usually I leave clothes out for days and days anyway all the bloody aroma has GONE so It's going to Have to be Lenor Blue. In fact I think I will go out & get it right now. I cannot live without it.
BUGERLUGS: Rebsie was someone else, who last I heard had finally gone to rehab, not for the first time, but with what seems a greater chance of success. The other R is actually a RACHEL not REBECCA I'm constantly confusing the 2 names and have done since childhood. Sorry about that. This R I have only seen 3 times in my life but if we're meant 2b 2gether WE WILL meet again...
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